Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

[opening the door of the Marcos TSO] What's this?

Richard

Erm...

Jeremy

[showing what he found] It's a tooth-whitening kit.

Richard

It's a plant! It's a plant!

Jeremy

It was just a theory until a moment ago...

Richard

Now, I'm dying to know the verdict, but first, something more important... your hat! What were you thinking?! You were like the dog car in Dumb and Dumber [makes a face referring to the hat James was wearing in the 2WD Vs. AWD 911 challenge]

James

[leans toward Hammond] Listen! That hat is haute couture in rallying circles.

Richard

We've got no bloody forks!

James

Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...

Richard

I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?

Jeremy

What's it called?

Richard

[to Jeremy on the phone] Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.

Richard

A dog oversteers, which is more fun...

Jeremy

...than an understeering hyena.

Richard

So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.

Jeremy

OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...

Richard

Uugghh...

Jeremy

...the Ssangyong Rodius...

Jeremy

...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!

Jeremy

That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!

James

That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.

Richard

[to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?

James

The lion.

What?

James

No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.

Jeremy

I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.

Richard

[Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.

Jeremy

Oh, look what's going on.

James

Oh no, he's...

Richard

Oh, that's... lion porn!

Jeremy

What are you doing, man?

Richard

What if he tries to do that to us?

Jeremy

Uh... it's on fire.

Richard

What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.

Jeremy

It's on fire. Just run. Just run.

Jeremy

The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!

Richard

How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?

Jeremy

He was...

Richard

Cross. Very cross.

James

He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.

Richard

[to Clarkson] You've done this before, anyway.

Jeremy

Yes I have. It didn't go well.

Richard

How "not well"?

Jeremy

Well, I took the roof off and then the whole car split in half.

Richard

Y'see, that's very "not well" indeed.

James

Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.

Richard

That might be useful if you are a bit thick

James

[...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

Richard

Just stop talking now.

James

I don't like the clock.

Richard

Save it!

James

To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.

Richard

Eh?

James

You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.

Jeremy

The rock and roll years, with James May!

James

Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?

James

12 miles!

Richard

What was he doing?

Jeremy

That's the least ambitious thief in the world.

James

That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.

Richard

Why did he nick it?

James

I dunno, but I'd like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been...[Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

Jeremy

Hamster! How it's going?

Richard

Very well, thank you, very well indeed!

Jeremy

What are you doing? What've you got?

Richard

Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.

Jeremy

I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?

Richard

Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.

Jeremy

And what're you going in terms of propulsion?

Richard

Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.

James

Hello?

Jeremy

May.

James

Clarkson.

Jeremy

Have you heard the Hamster?

James

Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.