[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.
“July 13th, 2003” · Season 2, Episode 9
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (8), Richard Hammond (4), Patrick (4), James May (2)
[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats]
It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
[...]
It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.
[during the news]
All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.
It's not really on the cutting edge, is it.
Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!
[on the Rover Streetwise]
They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it.
Essentially, yes.
[...]
[consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat...
Like a car.
Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units...
Well, that is clever.
Like a car.
Yeah, yeah.
... various transmissions, three trim levels...
Car-like.
Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."
They've put some thought into this, haven't they?
"Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission."
It's a car.
It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!"
[impressed] So you can drive out of town as well!
It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?
[whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.
You're the most famous guest we've ever had on.
PSPatrick Stewart
This must be a terrible show, then.
[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.
[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]
It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.
[on Sir Michael Gambon]
He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.
How did you find the car?
Ordinary.
[Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)
Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!
First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic!
[voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.
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