Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Richard

Wait! I've died, I've died!

Jeremy

Goodbye!

Jeremy

I've got a spare outboard.

Richard

You are joking.

Jeremy

I have. How much will you give me?

Richard

A million pounds!

Jeremy

A million?

Richard

And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?

Jeremy

Hammond, how much?

Richard

For what?

Jeremy

A lift.

Richard

I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

Richard

Jeremy?

Jeremy

Yes?

Richard

I've come up with a problem.

Jeremy

You have... you owe me a million pounds!

Jeremy

It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...

Richard

Yes, alright.

Jeremy

Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]

Richard

Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.

No it isn't.

Jeremy

...And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for watching. [Jeremy "facepalms" on the steering wheel out of embarrassment] Goodnight!

Richard

My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.

Jeremy

Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

Jeremy

If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

Richard

I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

Richard

Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.

Jeremy

You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!

Richard

Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.

Jeremy

Mmm?

Richard

It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

Jeremy

This is the safest car ever made.

Richard

I've got a scar!

James

Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.

Jeremy

The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.

Richard

You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!

James

Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.

Jeremy

How safe's that?!

Richard

Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?

James

Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?

Jeremy

Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

James

OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -

Legacy.

James

Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]

Jeremy

That's "heightist" frankly.

Richard

Yeah, that's "heightist."

James

I can't think of a better recommendation actually.

Jeremy

What?

Richard

Us not being able to do it?

James

Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

Richard

And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.

Jeremy

He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.

Richard

Right-o.

Jeremy

Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]

Jeremy

That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.

Richard

Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?

Jeremy

Yes!

Richard

And who's going to give them these points?

Jeremy

Me!

Jeremy

I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?

Richard

Well, yes, I do.

Jeremy

Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."

Richard

What, starting fights?

Jeremy

[Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."

Jeremy

Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.

Jeremy

Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?

James

Yes.

Richard

Because she's got big hands?

James

I don't like girls with big hands.

Jeremy

Why don't you like girls with big hands?

James

Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

Jeremy

Chaps.

James

Yes?

Jeremy

There's a list of essential accessories.

James

Ok, let's see if we've got them.

Jeremy

Step?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

Water container?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

Mains hook up lead?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

Leisure battery?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

Gas cylinders?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

Towing mirrors?

YES!

Jeremy

We could be gypsies.