Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

It's not--this is not natural.

Really alarming!

[voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.

Jeremy

[quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."

No, you have a crash!

Jeremy

Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?

Power out of it. Always!

Yeah!

Jeremy

Power out!

Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.

Jeremy

[holding up the handbook] This is wrong!

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This car feels really odd.

Jeremy

James, it--what's a Kia C--

Thingy.

Jeremy

Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.

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Do you know what's behind us?

Jeremy

What?

Horse box.

What, we're holding up a horse box?

Jeremy

Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

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[police sirens are heard]

Jeremy

Police are here! Runaway!

Run! Hide in a bush!

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[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]

What's Hammond doing with the dog?

Jeremy

The dog went in with him.

Really?

Jeremy

Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.

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Jeremy

[peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.

Ooh!

Oh, dear.

[laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...

[the caravan tips back as they all enter]

AAll

Woah!

Jeremy

Oh my God!

You've got to put the legs down first.

We're not brilliant at this are we?

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Ow!

Jeremy

Was that your finger?

[singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!

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Jeremy

Here it is!

Wow. Star Trek!

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[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]

That's not a bed, is it?

[laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!

Jeremy

I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!

What a reward!

You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!

Jeremy

You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!

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[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]

What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.

Jeremy

Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might-- I thought--

That's an AK-47.

Jeremy

I know. I thought I might need it.

Why?

Jeremy

A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?

You're not a practical man, are you?

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Jeremy

Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.

I like it.

I like it. It's nice... it's homey.

No, I'm alright with caravanning!

[A train is heard in the distance]

Jeremy

Oh good, a train!

Nice, that's nice.

Jeremy

Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?

It's alright. It's romantic.

Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!

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Jeremy

How do I "Release The Excrements"?

Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!

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[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]

Jeremy

James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?

No.

Jeremy

Coconut milk?

No.

Jeremy

Green curry paste?

No.

Jeremy

Coriander leaves? Snake beans?

It had some potatoes.

Jeremy

Oh, well I'd do chips then.

[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]

Jeremy

Oh God. Uh, Richard!

What?

Jeremy

Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?

No. Why?

Jeremy

[outside] How do you put a pan fire out?

Tea towel in water.

Jeremy

[inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?

No, I used it all on my hair.

Jeremy

Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

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[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]

Jeremy

All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?

...I think "well."

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[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]

Jeremy

Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?

No, absolutely not.

I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.

Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?