Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

[to a young woman on the street] What have you got for a price of a Vanquish, then...? That house there?

Mmm-hmm

Jeremy

Detached house: three bedrooms; lounge, whatever one of those is... three bedroom house, for about the same as the Aston. Would you rather have that house or that car.

The car.

Jeremy

Good girl.

Jeremy

349

249

Jeremy

Why don't you listen?

Dialing.

Jeremy

No! Don't dial that! I don't know who that is, it might be the Queen!

Jeremy

Now you said to me before we went out, you said, "Can you roll it," and I said "No no!"

No, I didn't mean--I thought, "would it roll?"

Jeremy

Well, yes, plainly all the evidence...

Jeremy

As on conventional manual gearboxes, the transmission ratios are present on input and auxilliary shafts in the form of pairs of toothed wheels. In contrast to manual gearboxes, the input shaft is divided into two sections. It comprises an outer hollow shaft and... Oh, look! Are there any engineers here? Is there anyone here who has that first, tiny grasp of engineering?

Richard

I mean, is it an automatic or a manual even?

Jeremy

[pointing to an audience member] You! You have. Look, I'm going to give you this and by the end of we've finished the news I want to understand that gearbox. Work it out. It's your homework.

Richard

Is it an automatic or a manual?

Jeremy

It's witchcraft! That's what it is.

...and the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...

Jeremy

Yeah...

...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy

A thousand horse power!

Richard

That is an astonishing amount of power.

Jeremy

You'll go from nought to the grave in 4 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.

Richard

They did suffer a few problems, I mean it was with stuff like the paintwork. Interior trim, bit rattly. Engines, they can be a problem.

Jeremy

Yeah, the 4-litre.

Richard

And the 4.6.

Jeremy

And the diesel.

Richard

All the engines.

Jeremy

It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and--

Richard

Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because--

Jeremy

It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?

Richard

Things I wish I'd never said...

Jeremy

Now as I understand it you still hold the world record for being sent off in a game of football, don't you? Cause it's five seconds wasn't it?

Yeah, this was... I ran on and it was like a minute.

Jeremy

No, you've done it in five seconds, that's quicker than a minute.

Well no, 'bout a second actually. Mostly came on...

Jeremy

One second?

Yeah.

Jeremy

See, I'm intrigued, not being a footballist I have to admit, how do you reach an opposing player to commit some kind of atrocity in that time?

Jeremy

I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -

Richard

Eh?!

Jeremy

I was shot.

Richard

At last!

Jeremy

Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -

Richard

What with?

Jeremy

[casually] An AK-47.

Jeremy

I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!

Richard

Oh, well done! Well done!

Jeremy

And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."

Jeremy

I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?

James

No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.

Jeremy

So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...

Richard

Yes.

Jeremy

... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...

Richard

Yes.

Jeremy

Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?

Richard

But it is a turbo.

Jeremy

Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?

Richard

Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -

Jeremy

You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.

Yes.

Richard

They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

Jeremy

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?

Richard

I have, yes.

Jeremy

And what happened when you drove this car?

Richard

Well, I crashed it, technically.

Jeremy

Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.

Richard

Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.

James

Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.

Jeremy

They said they were going to make a space shuttle...

James

Yes, a space station.

Jeremy

Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.

James

The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.

Richard

And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.