Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Let's try Radio 4.

[on the radio] Society has not always valued originality.

Jeremy

Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.

To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today?

Jeremy

I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.

Richard

I think this reliability index, gets a bit weak here. Third most reliable make of car...Fiat. [audience laughs] I mean then it's got you know Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes, Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect, but in third place, Fiat?

Jeremy

What have they got as being the most unreliable?

Richard

Well this is good fun, because according to them the second least reliable make, least reliable make is....Subaru! Where did it go wrong? They're the most reliable cars imaginable!

James

So you spun it, then.

Jeremy

I spun it slightly.

James

What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."

Jeremy

This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.

Richard

You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...

Jeremy

I presume there's no wife involved in this.

Richard

No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.

Jeremy

Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?

Richard

Yeah!

Jeremy

OK. Here it is.

Richard

... That's the old Mondeo.

Jeremy

No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!

Richard

Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.

James

It's got a new radio, hasn't it.

Jeremy

It has got a new radio.

James

Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.

Jeremy

So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -

James

Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?

Jeremy

I wonder how many they've got?

Richard

Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.

Richard

Oh my Lord.

James

What do you reckon?

Jeremy

He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.

Jeremy

So the rally team got the car changed in...

Richard

Twenty-seven minutes.

Jeremy

Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...

Richard

Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.

Jeremy

I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.

Richard

I don't think it works!

Jeremy

Men should go out with men.

Richard

You're making me nervous. Stop it!

Jeremy

I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.

Richard

And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.

Jeremy

Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?

James

Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.

Jeremy

So that advert must be true.

James

That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.

They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?

Jeremy

Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...

So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?

Jeremy

Yeah! Yell!

They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

Jeremy

Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one?

I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!

Jeremy

And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -

Richard

[laughing] That is so true.

Jeremy

He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"

Richard

That's what passengers are for.

Jeremy

You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."

James

Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.

James

You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5?

Jeremy

Size is important in these things. [beams]

Richard

That's a little harsh.