Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped, I don't want to hear any of this, ‘Well, you know we, we don't give in to kidnap demands'. Just pay. I don't want to be beheaded on the Internet.

Jeremy

I'm not going round-- [Richard uses his car to push Jeremy] I am going round the-- Hammond! Don't be an arse! Hammond, stop it!

Jeremy

[voiceover] We pulled over by a roadside market that had a waterfall and a river in it.

Jeremy

[voiceover] I brought in our special weapons man who had learned in the armed forces how to have a pixellated face.

Jeremy

[before plunging into a ditch] Follow me! [a few seconds later he gets stuck] Don't follow me!

Jeremy

I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders, into Jordan. A country famous for not having Bethlehem in it.

Jeremy

Tonight, a dog won't go in a car, a clipboard falls over, and a man from Liverpool is on our track.

Jeremy

...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] brilliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...

Jeremy

Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.

Jeremy

Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope". And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy

Tonight, a fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken and James wears lady's underwear on his head.

Jeremy

It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.

Jeremy

[bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!

Jeremy

This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we'd murdered to give us a hand.

Jeremy

Tonight, our track's a bit foggy, a man eats a snack, and we move about in a caravan.

Jeremy

[voiceover] So, if it's not for racing, and it's not for the road, what is it for? Well, this.