Ken Titus quotes from Titus

Ken

He sounds like some dime store shrink!

Stanford, actually.

Ken

You know, I liked you better when you had hope.

No, you didn't.

It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.

Ken

Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?

Ken

Throw hot acid in her face.

Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.

Ken

I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!

Ken Titus

Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!

Christopher

Hi, Dad.

Ken Titus

I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!

Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.

Ken Titus

All these people have kids?

Why didn't you drag her out of there?

Ken

You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.

Ken

All right, how much?

Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.

Ken

Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?

"Numbuts"?

Ken

Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?

What?

Ken

Five grand.

You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Ken Titus

There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.

Tommy

I'm not gay!

Ken Titus

Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Ken

Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.

That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?

Ken

No.

Then shut up, then!

Erin

You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.

Ken Titus

Cars are heavy.

Erin

Everybody knows that!

Ken Titus

So does he, thanks to me!

Ken

What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.

[sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]

Ken

Now that's my kind of Mexican!

Hey, Dad, this is Roger. He just moved into the neighborhood.

Ken

Oh, that explains it. First time I ever saw a black man take a TV into a house.

Ken

Hey, buddy! Santa came last night!

What did he bring me?

Ken

Nothing. Your new mommy's a Jew. Blame her.

Dad, what are we, German-Irish?

Ken

White. That's all that matters.

Erin

[offended] Papa Titus!

Ken

In society's eyes, I'm saying!