Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
Sounds good.
I like beer.
If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.
Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.
S1Mr. Willis of Ohio
[Josh and Sam have joined Charlie in confronting the guys who are hassling Zoe]
[Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
AAgent
Federal Agents!
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoe and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
BBartlet
The Secret Service...
The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!
BBartlet
They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!
[In response to Josh's earlier speech to Donna about why the government does not issue refund checks for each person's portion of the budget surplus.]
Donna? How much were the sandwiches?
$12.95
I gave you a twenty.
Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.
That was nice. That was a little parable.
I want my money back.
[at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?
G2Guy 2
Hey. He just called her Zoey.
Come on, let's go back to the table.
G1Guy 1
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?
Zoey?
[Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her]
G1Guy 1
Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.
She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.
G3Guy 3
Check out Super Fly.
Hey!
Let's go.
G1Guy 1
No. Why don't you go? Alright?
Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?
G1Guy 1
Be cool.
Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.
G1Guy 1
I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?
Can I buy you guys a round?
G3Guy 3
Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.
G2Guy 2
Ice cube, Ice tray man.
...
G1Guy 1
Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?
G2Guy 2
Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?
Would you let us by please?
G1Guy 1
No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!
[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?
G1Guy 1
Who the hell are you?
Kiss my ass. Zoey?
I'm fine.
G1Guy 1
Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?
Charlie?
Everything's fine.
G1Guy 1
Hey, you want to go?
What?
G1Guy 1
You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.
[coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?
G1Guy 1
Oh good, more fairy boys.
Excuse me?
G1Guy 1
I said, more fairy boys.
Oh, this is too good to be true.
[Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam]
G2Guy 2
[indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.
[Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
AAgent
Federal agents!
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoey and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
S1The State Dinner
I'm not wild about this whole Indonesian thing.
What's the problem?
I've been doing some reading on my own.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
Why?
Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
I do not.
Donna...
I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
What?
I read it.
They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
They behead them.
Sorcerers.
Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with... what's that thing that Death carries?
A scythe.
They're doing it with a scythe.
Well, thanks for the head's up.
I thought you might like to know who's coming over for dinner.
You bet.
HHarry
Mr. President?
No questions right now, Harry.
HHarry
A short one.
She's not worried about the length of your question, she's worried about the length of my response.
It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me.
What about a negotiator?
MMilitary officer
Negotiate what?
A peaceful settlement.
This is a stand off with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you're under arrest."
I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up.
I don't think it's unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy.
Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation.
This isn't abstract, Mandy. This isn't a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you're free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.
Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game?
Time's up.
LLittle
Actually, if I may, Mr. President. I didn't get my full five minutes.
Yes, I know. But I got tired of listening to you. Now you listen to me. I have a Nobel Prize in Economics and I'm here to tell you that none of you know what the hell you're talking about. At 12:01 am, I'm using my executive power to nationalize the trucking industry.
LLittle
You can't do that, Mr. President...
Fourteen White House lawyers disagree. Truman did it in ‘52 with the coal mines.
LLittle
And it was struck down by the Supreme Court.
In 50 years, there's a new bench and I'll take my chances. As for Labor, I am calling Congress into Emergency Session to grant me the authority to draft the truckers into military service. [Russo and the Truckers Union delegates look dumbfounded] You're going to love our food. Nice talking to you folks. If this isn't settled in 47 minutes, don't worry. We know where to find you.
S1Enemies
We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think?
[Under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.
What was that?
... Did I say that out loud?
See, and I was gonna let you go home.
[Sinking feeling] ... But instead?
We're gonna talk about Yosemite.
All right... It couldn't have gone far, right?
No.
Somewhere in this building... is our talent.
Yes.
I find these Cabinet meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required.
You're asking me out on a date.
No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening.
Right.
So what do you say?
Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won't be sex, I don't see how I could say no.
John.
What did I do? Where in our past, what did I do to make you treat me this way? What did I ever do except deliver the South?
You shouldn't have made me beg, John.
Due respect, Mr President, you had just kicked my ass in the primary. I'm 15 years younger than you are and I have my career to think of.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.