Speaking of health and fitness...
Oh, merciful God!
What did you have...
I had half a grapefruit!
Really?
You think I'm lying?
No.
Okay.
Yes.
S420 Hours in America, Part I
[on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.
SAM!!!
Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge?
We usually just use Margaret.
C.J.: We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not. Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council, the Governor said, "I'm no scientist but I know a thing or two about physics." So for the week you can add scientist to doctor, mind reader, and Chinese.
Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House.
G1Girl 1
Wow. Humongous whoop.
Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.
G2Girl 2
How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?
Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson.
There's a guy down here holding a sign that says, "Eight more years." Don't get me wrong, I like your thinking, but I've probably tested the Constitution about as far as Abbey's going to allow me to for a little while. [Crowd cheers and applauds.] You know the story about the guy whose car gets stuck in a muddy hole? A farmer comes along and says he'll pull the car out of the mud but he's going to have to charge 50 bucks 'cause this is the tenth time he's had to pull one out of the mud today. The driver says, "God, when do you have time to plow your land, at night?" The farmer says, "No, no. Nighttime is when I fill the hole with water." [Crowd laughs.] We need to find energy alternatives. We're getting our cue. We're getting it right now. The Republicans are busy. They're trying to convince us that they care about new energy and that they're not in the vest pockets of big oil, and that's a tough sell. I don't envy them, 'cause their only hope is that we don't notice that they're the ones who are filling the hole with water every night, and I think Americans are smarter than that. I think we noticed.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt in what obviously is a private moment between the two of you and your... two friends. We came in this morning...
G2Girl 2
We know who you are. We're not rednecks.
Okay. Well, I'm Donna Moss and this is my boss.
Josh Lyman.
Toby Ziegler.
Anyway, we're very crunched for time and we think that you...
I work at the White House.
G1Girl 1
Wow. Humongous whoop.
Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.
G2Girl 2
How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?
Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson. Tyler, no fooling around. We've got 15 minutes to get to a plane that is 3 miles from here. That plane-- I swear to God-- is taking off at 1:00.
TTyler
It's taking off at 1:00?
Yes, it is.
KKiki
Are you guys stupid or something? It's 1:45 right now.
It's 12:45.
KKiki
No, not here it's not.
Oh, my God, she's right.
TTyler
See, we crossed over from Unionville to Dearborn County which doesn't observe Daylight saving time.
KKiki
I think it's the other way around, genius.
TTyler
What did I ever do to you?
It says on the schedule, "All times are local." This is why I couldn't get anyone on their cell.
Wait. Wait. No. No. You're not... We changed time zones? We changed time... We changed time zones?!
TTyler
It's a-a common mistake.
Not for the U.S. government!
What kind of schmuck-ass system could this possibly...
That's good! That's perfect!
How did...? I don't understand.
Perfect. Just the break I'm looking for.
What do...? What do...? People, they just... They reset their watches when they commute?
I can't take working here.
They just change their watches every time they cross a time zone? What is this, a joke?!
Serving my country.
Okay, this is a whole new thing now. My guys are going to need to walk this off a bit before they can regroup. Kiki, you and your friends get back to school. Tyler, you and I are going to come up with a plan to get us to a commercial airport.
S420 Hours in America, Part II
...restoring abundance amid an economic shortfall, securing peace in a time of global conflict, sustaining hope in this winter of anxiety and fear. More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. Forty-four people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition, when, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
[on being a Big Brother] I could narrate what I was doing for him. "Right now, I'm reading background intelligence on Central America as it relates - believe it or not - to textile imports." Intelligence... 007! See, and right away I've got him going with 007.
I'm sitting here listening; already, I've turned to a life of crime.
You have an inadvertent habit of putting down my Judaism by implying that you have a sharper anti-Semitism meter than I do.
You know, the ancient Hebrews had a word for Jews from Westport: they pronounced it "Presbyterian."
And by saying things like that.
I'm just saying, I'm from Brighton Beach.
Well, Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bizir doesn't make the distinction when he suits up in the morning.
Well, as long as you have a good grasp of the complexity of that situation.
What the hell are the two of you talking about?
I assure you neither one of us knows.
Leo. Yeoman Fitzwallace.
Dr. McNally.
Let's attack.
Who?
Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.
Why?
'Cause I've had it.
I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.
That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBM's and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now as if the Qumari Air Defense Sytem requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?
[to Leo, bewildered] Is she talking to me?
Yes!
Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.
Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu.
We don't know what the next president is going to face. If we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who is connected to other peoples lives and cares about making them better. If we choose someone who inspires us then we will be able to face what comes our way and achieve things we can't imagine yet.
Campaigns aren't about the candidates.
No?
They're about the voters. How-how are we going to create jobs? how-how are we going to get healthcare? How are we going to make the lights go on? How are we going to protect ourselves?
Don't you want to ask if the plumber knows which directions the pipes run? Don't you...? Forget the plumber. Don't... [sighs]... we want leadership to sound and feel like, instead of appealing to our-our least expensive, however legitimate, desire to feel good about ourselves? Don't we want...?
All right, that's it. I can't take it.
He started it.
I am not kidding. I have such an impulse to knock your heads together. I can't remember the last time I heard you two talk about anything other than how a campaign was playing in Washington. Cathy needed to take a second job so her dad could be covered by her insurance. She tried to tell you how bad things were for family farmers. You told her we already lost Indiana. You made fun of the fair but you didn't see they have livestock exhibitions and give prizes for the biggest tomato and the best heirloom apple. They're proud of what they grow. Eight modes of transportation, the kindness of six strangers, random conversations with twelve more, and nobody brought up Bartlet versus Ritchie but you. I'm writing letters, on your behalf to the parents of the kids who were killed today. Can I have the table, please?
[Josh and Toby stand]
MKMatt Kelley
Flight's delayed?
Yeah.
MKMatt Kelley
Me, too. I'm going to St. Louis.
Washington.
MKMatt Kelley
I'm with my daughter. She's up, uh, stairs in the room, but we were out here looking at Notre Dame.
Yeah.
MKMatt Kelley
You got kids?
No.
MKMatt Kelley
Wait till you take your oldest to look at colleges. It's an incredible feeling. You wish they'd go to college across the street from your house, but you know...
Yeah. [to the bartender] A Jack Daniels, rocks.
BBartender
Yeah.
My boss went to Notre Dame.
MKMatt Kelley
Beautiful campus. I've never seen anything like it. She-she's not going to get to sleep tonight. [pause] You see what happened in the market today?
Yeah, I-I saw. You invested?
MKMatt Kelley
Ehh... Mutual fund that's supposed to send her to college. I never imagined at $55,000 a year, I'd have trouble making ends meet. And my wife brings in another 25. My son's in public school. It's no good. I mean, there's 37 kids in the class, uh, no art and music, no advanced placement classes. Other kids, their mother has to make them practice the piano. You can't pull my son away from the piano. He needs teachers. I spend half the day thinking about what happens if I slip and fall down on my own front porch, you know? It should be hard. I like that it's hard. Putting your daughter through college, that's-that's a man's job. A man's accomplishment. But it should be a little easier. Just a little easier. 'Cause in that difference is... everything. [pause] I'm sorry. I'm, uh, I-I'm Matt Kelley.
I'm Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House. Have a minute to talk? We'd, uh... like to buy you a beer.
S4College Kids
Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are – a pretty well-financed one – but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.