He [Gov. Ritchie] said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.
I know.
You making fun of the Yankees?
Uh...no...
Now?
S3Posse Comitatus
Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with?
Was she...?
She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name.
Well, sir, maybe...
Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.
[Charlie walks out]
Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned.
There's gonna be a second interview?
There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.
Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet?
I'm calling a cab now.
Okay.
He's [Gov. Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now?
Local news covered it. He said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.
I know.
You making fun of the Yankees?
Uh...no...
Now?
I'm not.
They went to the Yankee game.
He's coming at intermission.
Well, I'm not sure that suits me.
I know what you mean.
Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.
Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit.
Just talk to me a minute.
How many people are at the game?
It's a good game. About 40,000 probably.
There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election, but...
[Toby pats Sam's cheek a few times and squishes his mouth.]
I am so... proud of you.
You're really very much freaking me out.
What's going on?
Nothing, sir. [pause] I'll be arranging a second meeting with Deborah Fiderer when we get back to town.
From this afternoon?
Yes, sir.
Are you pledging a fraternity or something, 'cause this would be a good one.
Sir?
What's with you and this woman?
She hired me. That's why she was fired.
[Bartlet nods]
Civilians get trials.
I'd argue he's not a civilian. So would the Attorney General.
They're gonna find out it's us. We could make it look like the plane went down, but they're gonna find out it's us, and I'm gonna be running for reelection while I'm fighting a war against Qumar.
That's why you want to say no?
I want him tried.
That can't happen.
I understand.
I was talking this morning about how Mallory names all the lobsters in the tank.
Yeah.
Would it be helpful if I brought you a list of names of Shareef's victims?
What do you want from me?
Who was the monk who wrote, "I always don't know the right thing to do, Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you." [beat] You have two minutes, sir.
This isn't a matter of religion.
Yes, sir.
I recognize that there's evil in the world.
What is your objection exactly, sir?
Doesn't this mean we join the league of ordinary nations?
That's your objection? I'm not gonna have trouble saying the Pledge of Allegiance tomorrow.
That's not my objection.
Sir...
It's just wrong. It's absolutely wrong.
I know, but you have to do it anyway.
Why?
'Cause you won.
[Bartlet pauses]
Take him.
You enjoying the play?
I am. How about you?
We just got here. We were at the Yankee game. We were, you know, hung up in traffic.
Yeah, I know. Listen, politics aside, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but you probably insulted the church, and you can head it off at the pass if you speak to the Cardinal tonight.
Well, I didn't mean to insult anybody.
No.
And it's a baseball game. It's how ordinary Americans...
Yeah. [beat] No, I don't understand that. The center fielder for the Yankees is an accomplished classical guitarist. People who like baseball can't like books?
Are you taking this personally?
No. Something horrible happened about an hour ago. C.J. Cregg was getting threats so we put an agent on her. He's a good guy. He was on my detail for a while, and he was in Rosslyn. He walked in the middle of an armed robbery, and was shot and killed after detaining one of the suspects.
Oh. Crime...Boy, I don't know.
[nods, sighs] We should have a great debate, Rob. We owe it to everyone. When I was running as a governor, I didn't know anything. I made them start Bartlet College in my dining room. Two hours every morning on foreign affairs and the military. You can do that.
How many different ways you think you're gonna find to call me dumb?
I wasn't, Rob. But you've turned being un-engaged into a Zen-like thing, and you shouldn't enjoy it so much is all. And if it appears at times as if I don't like you, that's the reason why.
You're what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're, uh, Hollywood, you're weak, you're liberal, and you can't be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why.
[Music begins in the theater]
They're playing my song. [stands and walks away, then turns back] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.
S3Night Five
32-50 is a consolidated appropriations act that we want to drop in the U.N. speech for Monday morning. I need you to review the final legislative language so we can shop it around the Hill over the weekend.
What does it call for?
Uh, I don't know.
Sam.
It authorizes payment of nine hundred and twenty-six million in U.N. dues over three years for an exchange in the reduction of U.N. bureaucracy as well as peace-keeping assessments by the General Assembly.
And what are we concerned about?
Well, the language was drafted by Republicans.
We're inscrutable.
I just want you to look for legal landmines.
Like what?
I don't know. A ban on German food, or a hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are.
How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?
Why don't you write that suggestion in the margins?
S3Night Five
Our goal is to proclaim American values.
AAndy
This speech isn't supposed to be about ideology. It's supposed to be about reality.
I think the President will decide what the speech is supposed to be about, but the reality is, the United States of America no longer sucks up to reactionaries, and our staunch allies will know what we mean.
AAndy
We don't have any staunch allies in the Arab world; just reluctant ones. We've a coalition held together with duct tape! A coalition without which we cannot fight!
Nobody's blowing off the coalition, and that coalition will be plenty strong.
AAndy
Oh, when we win?
That's right.
AAndy
What's Egypt going to think? Or Pakistan?
That freedom and democracy are coming soon to a theatre near them, so get dressed.
AAndy
Toby... you guys are on a thing right now. And I'm behind you. You know I'm behind you; a lot of House Democrats are...
Not enough.
AAndy
And plenty of Republicans. But this one moment in time, you have to get off your horse and just... simply put - be nice to the Arab world.
Be nice?
AAndy
Yes.
Well... How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for harboring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited. How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union when the President praised the Islamic people as faithful and hardworking only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam? But none of that is the point.
AAndy
What's the point?
I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini! Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win! [long pause] Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing, nothing, nothing but the Koran and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America? Judeo-Christianity? No. If their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet, so be it. But I want those kids to... look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history. Some literature. [pause] They'll like us when we win.
S3Night Five
They keep moving the goalpost on you, don't they? Get A's, good college, Latin honors. Get into the London School of Economics. Get a good teaching job. Ivy League school, tenure. Now you gotta publish, now you gotta go to Stockholm.
It's not good for a person to keep setting goals?
It probably is, but it's tricky for somebody who's still trying to get his father to stop hitting him.
Well, I'm told that most men lead lives of quiet desperation.
Yeah, but that's most men. That's not you. That's the other people, the ones who feel stress. You're destined for something else.
I have abilities.
And now you have an opportunity to use them.
I think I have.
That room I passed down the hall, on the left, it's got a name, right?
I think you're talking about the Lincoln Bedroom.
Right. This is a hell of a curve you get graded on now. Lincoln freed the slaves and won the Civil War. "Thank you. Next! And what will you be singing for us today, Mr. Bartlet?" "Well, we've had six straight quarters of economic growth."
That's not easy.
Okay.
It's not easy.
I believe you.
I think I've made tough choices.
I think Lincoln did what he thought was right, even though it meant losing half the country. I think you don't do what you think is right if it means losing Michigan's electoral votes.
You don't know anything.
I'll be the first to admit that.
I'm not trying to get my father to like me.
Good. 'Cause it's never, never gonna happen. Look, we're done for the night.
What?
We've been here for two hours. It was a double session. We're done for the night.
Stanley, I hate to put it this way, but I'm me, and you're you, and we're done when I say we're done.
No. [pause] I think you could use some assistance right now, sir. Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. [pause] Our time is up.
S420 Hours in America, Part I
Speaking of health and fitness...
Oh, merciful God!
What did you have...
I had half a grapefruit!
Really?
You think I'm lying?
No.
Okay.
Yes.
[on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.
SAM!!!
Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge?
We usually just use Margaret.
C.J.: We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not. Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council, the Governor said, "I'm no scientist but I know a thing or two about physics." So for the week you can add scientist to doctor, mind reader, and Chinese.
Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House.
G1Girl 1
Wow. Humongous whoop.
Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.
G2Girl 2
How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?
Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson.
There's a guy down here holding a sign that says, "Eight more years." Don't get me wrong, I like your thinking, but I've probably tested the Constitution about as far as Abbey's going to allow me to for a little while. [Crowd cheers and applauds.] You know the story about the guy whose car gets stuck in a muddy hole? A farmer comes along and says he'll pull the car out of the mud but he's going to have to charge 50 bucks 'cause this is the tenth time he's had to pull one out of the mud today. The driver says, "God, when do you have time to plow your land, at night?" The farmer says, "No, no. Nighttime is when I fill the hole with water." [Crowd laughs.] We need to find energy alternatives. We're getting our cue. We're getting it right now. The Republicans are busy. They're trying to convince us that they care about new energy and that they're not in the vest pockets of big oil, and that's a tough sell. I don't envy them, 'cause their only hope is that we don't notice that they're the ones who are filling the hole with water every night, and I think Americans are smarter than that. I think we noticed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.