Wait a second, hang on. You're telling me that foreign policy of this magnitude is conducted through Sam, and I'm still alive?
We're pretty impressed ourselves, Mr. Chairman.
S3Enemies Foreign and Domestic
[negotiating a meeting with the Russian president] It's a coincidence that you should happen to mention the time of the meeting. See, President Chigorin only has to fly through one time zone. President Bartlet has to fly through seven. Don't get me wrong, this President can do three shows a night, but there's no one in the Western Hemisphere who has a worse reaction to jetlag than he does. Any trip 8 hours or longer and someone gets fired at the end of it, and it's already been me three times, so...
NNikolai
We'll pass it on.
I think everyone on the White House staff would agree when I say that one is a deal-breaker.
[walking into the Oval Office] Good morning, Mr. President.
You're gonna get Secret Service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper, so sign this piece of paper.
C.J. Sir, can I ask why you feel it's necessary...
Because Ron says it is, and around here we do whatever Ron says.
Well, I think it might be an over-reaction.
Good for you. With all your years of training and experience in sniffing out crime, your opinion really carries a lot of weight with me.
I don't want to appear fragile.
Are you kidding?
Sir...
We're talking about one bodyguard. I have twelve, and that's before I leave the house. You ever count the number of guns that come along with me when Abbey and I take in a play at the Kennedy Center? Do I seem fragile to you?
No, sir.
Then...
You're also not a woman in a man's job. To say nothing of the fact that you're required by law to be protected by the Treasury Department. You don't have a choice. And frankly, sir, you and I both know that you score points frequently with the public and with the press by shrugging off your Secret Service and doing whatever... going to a book store.
I don't care.
Sir...
I don't care! You're part of my family, and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper.
S3The Black Vera Wang
[holding up an envelope] What's this?
I don't know. It's marked "personal."
You don't know who sent it?
There's no return address.
Think it's porn?
I don't know.
'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn--I mean really good porn--by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way--
No, I'm hoping it's porn.
This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]
Oh, God.
It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.
There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?
SSimon
I'm sorry?
What's your plan for me?
SSimon
I don't have a plan.
Are you gonna let me drive myself home?
SSimon
No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
You've got my spark plug?
SSimon
And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.
Did you leave me anything?
SSimon
Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.
Anything else, Agent Sunshine?
SSimon
It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.
I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore and I like doing that. Let's get Abbey to New Hampshire but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to, I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agents come, the agents come, but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys.
S3We Killed Yamamoto
I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full throttle, like there's now a Sam Seaborn-shaped hole in the wall.
We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?
Used a pencil?
They used a pencil.
[about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.
Yes, sir. Absolutely.
I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.
No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.
Eliminating the term 'north' from North Dakota is an important state issue and the President feels it should be resolved on a state level. While the President is sympathetic towards the cause and understands the large economics ramifications of this name change, he feels the issue is not yet ripe for national attention. The President wishes you well on your endeavors and thanks you for your support.
MMan
Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup.
With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that.
WWoman
We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'.
Also Mount Rushmore.
I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is, but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore.
Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.
In peacetime.
Yes.
The Battle of Agincourt...this was the French fighting against the British archers. This was like a polo match. The battles were observed by heralds, and they picked the winners. And if a soldier laid down his arms, he was treated humanely...
Yeah.
And the international laws you're talking about...this is where a lot of them were written, at a time and in a place where a person could tell between peacetime and wartime. The idea of targeting one person was ridiculous. It wouldn't have occurred to the French to try to kill William Pitt. That all changed after Pearl Harbor–
I don't like where this conversation's going...
We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.
We declared war...
If Dietrich Bonhoeffer had been successful...
...and the plot to kill Hitler was an internal rebellion.
...there would have been statues built of an assassin. We'd've had to explain that to our kids!
I'm going to get back to the office.
We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.
S3Posse Comitatus
[to Gov. Ritchie] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.
[when Ritchie is late] If ninety percent of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing up for the other ten.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.