C.J. Cregg quotes from The West Wing

CJ

[to Carol] Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny I could have him. And he's still a jackass from the foreign-ops vote and many other things, so tell him I'm getting my hair done.

Danny

Your hair looks great.

CJ

[to Carol] There was no way you could tell me he was right behind me? You couldn't fit that in?

Toby

We're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it.

CJ

That's always what we're talking about. And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're also soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, we should be about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up!

Josh

You want to go to Orange County?

CJ

I think we have to go. [to Bartlet] Even though there's $1,300 with your name on it if you don't make me go with you.

Toby

Get over the dress, would you?

CJ

It was a suit, and they hit me with an avocado!

Toby

It could have been worse.

CJ

How?

Toby

They could have hit me.

CJ

[about the First Lady's speech] You should tell her not to talk about the House vote.

Charlie

You want me to tell Mrs. Bartlet she's going to look like a dilettante?

CJ

I once had to tell the President he was wearing two different shoes.

Charlie

That's roughly the same.

Amy

Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything, but I have to see Josh...

Will

It's not a hazing. They don't do that. [feels in his pocket] Except... yes, you put olives in my jacket again.

CJ

I did, I did do that. But this is on the level.

C.J.

It's okay, you're afraid of flying.

Will

I'm not afraid of flying. I... experience flying.

If there is an issue of national security, isn't it also a national issue for everyone down there?

In other words, turn on the damn phones.

C.J.

Someone ask Steve what time it is; it's going to crack you up!

C.J....

C.J.

How is it a threat to anyone on the ground?

Steve

Air Force One generally doesn't break all by itself.

C.J.

Steve...

Steve

Claudia, in a room someplace, they're talking about the possibility that the plane was sabotaged.

C.J.

By screwing with the front wheel?

If the malfunction is because of a leak in the hydraulics, and they try to recycle the gear, the front end of the plane's gonna blow up.

C.J.

No, you're right, I should definitely let you use the phones.

CJ

The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.

Toby

I think what he's asking is why, on most other nights, do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight...

CJ

We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?

Toby

Suzy Creamcheese, do not attempt the Haggadah.

CJ

I know how to bless the soup, too.

CJ

There's no website supporting it?

Toby

And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?

Will

Two guys in the silo. The launch sequence went on for two minutes before they had confirmation it was a meteor. But the two guys were debating with Airborne Launch Control and the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center and that gets sticky. This is missile defense. This stuff has to work.

Toby

And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it.

Will

Yeah, but we're scrappy.

Toby

[laughs] A meteor fell from the sky the result being two guys are going to get court-martialed. The only two guys who apparently thought it was strange that North Korea would attack submarines in Connecticut instead of say, San Diego or Hawaii. And if it had been a real attack? Would they still have been doing point/counterpoint with NORAD?

Toby

We failed both on a mechanical and human level. So tell me again what you have faith in.

C.J.

Us.

Toby

Why?

C.J.

Because with what little free time he has, Will is going to Wyoming to defend one of these guys and I don't think it is failing on a human level.

Will

[from Leo's computer] Okay, I've searched "equinox" and "egg," and the news isn't good for the believers.

C.J.

What sites did they send you to?

Will

ThingsThatAreWrong.com.

C.J.

There's no such site.

Will

Read it!

C.J.

"This has to be one of the silliest misconceptions around and it never seems to die."

Will

They also send you to the Apocryphal Zone and Project Astro Utah.

C.J.

There are no web sites supporting it?

Toby

And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?

Joe

I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.

CJ

Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for.

Joe

Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. Usually it takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.

CJ

I'm the Press Secretary, Boo-Boo. I don't have that kind of time.

Danny

You want to comment on a wire report that says that the President lifted his gown and groped himself during the Invocation?

C.J.

Yeah, that was a troubling moment, but he had to get his napkin.

You know I'm not the enemy. The things that unite us are far greater than things that divide us. We both believe in democracy, preservation of American values, protection of our citizens in a sometimes hostile world.

C.J.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

Exactly.

Will

We're having trouble with the Democrats.

CJ

Wow, along with the Republicans. That's kind of everyone.