C.J. Cregg quotes from The West Wing

Josh

[about Haffley] What the hell just...

Leo McGarry

Will. In the Oval, and grab C.J.

Josh

We just... we got tagged. [They walk into the Outer Oval Office.] Idiot thinks he tagged us.

Toby

He did.

Josh

He's bluffing.

Will

We don't blink.

Leo

What the hell is he thinking? Is he just in over his head?

Josh

He's an idiot. And he's bluffing.

Will

We put up Berryhill and we wait for the Republicans to self-destruct.

C.J.

If we have the time.

Josh

He's an idiot, he's bluffing, and we're going to destroy him.

Leo

You worried about it leaking or are you worried about our numbers?

C.J.

Both. How long can we spin this so our numbers hold? If it drags on and gets ugly and people have time to worry...

Toby

We've got a fight; with this list it's a joke. August Adar would bore the country into a stupor and Starkey is, forgive me, sir, more likely to keel over in the next three years than you are.

Josh

That's what Haffley's counting on. The longer he drags this out, the longer he's next in line.

Will

Diane Frost is a serious name.

Josh

Diane is a serious loon of the left.

Toby

I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh

That's their agenda: sniper anyone who looks hard to beat next time around.

C.J.

I thought this choice wasn't about partisan politics.

Josh

It is now.

Will

Wait, the Democrats actually like the list?

Josh

They aren't wild about Berryhill. Donna!

Toby

Our esteemed Minority Leader thinks it's not a bluff and we won't win a battle in the House.

Josh

Our esteemed Minority Leader is running for President in three years. Donna, get me Leo!

Ryan

[pokes his head in] Donna went to the bathroom.

Josh

She's not allowed to do that. Just get me Leo.

Ryan

Uh, Leo McGarry?

Josh

Yes, Leo McGarry.

C.J.

[enters] They leaked the list; the Starkey Russell list.

Will

Is that bad? It makes Berryhill look even better.

Toby

Guys, we can't confirm Berryhill.

C.J.

We can't?

Will

We're having trouble with the Democrats.

C.J.

Wow. Along with the Republicans, that's kind of everyone.

Toby

We've got to move on.

Josh

Move on? We don't move on from our first post-Walken showdown. This is the single, most defining decision the President makes.

Toby

No kidding. And time's running out and if we don't find someone they'll confirm by tomorrow...

C.J.

We had other names.

Ryan

[comes back in] Hey, uh, sorry. Does anyone know Mr. McGarry's extension?

Bartlet

Leo tells me you have a strong view on this?

C.J.

Yes sir, for one thing sending him back would seem to be illegal.

Leo

Our hand's not legally forced unless he tells anyone.

Bartlet

You know the rationale for sending him back.

Leo

So the Iranians don't wake up one morning and decide, hey, it's a good day to nuke Israel.

Bartlet

Is that such an unreasonable distinction? But this isn't your real argument.

C.J.

Sending him back will play as a disaster in the press if it ever gets out.

Bartlet

[shakes head] That's not your real argument either.

C.J.

No sir, it's not. This young man's asking for freedom. It's what this country was built on; everyone's from somewhere else, some place less free. That's my argument.

Donna

Schadenfreude?

CJ

You know, enjoying the suffering of others. The whole rationale behind the House of Representatives.

Will

He hates me.

CJ

Oh, yeah. The way you hate the girl you ask to the prom who says, 'No thanks, I already have a date.' You made a choice. Now own it.

Josh

Vast and violent vacuum cleaner, uprooting everything in its path.

Toby

It's a funnel cloud.

Josh

Vast and violent vacuum cleaner.

CJ

It's a vacuum cleaner and a funnel cloud. See, men? Peace on earth.

Bartlet

Are we having a problem?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

I feel as if I did more good in the last 24 hours than in the last six months.

C.J.

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

You resent me taking a few extra hours to console grieving people?

Bartlet

I'm asking you a direct question, C.J.

C.J.

Honestly, sir? I resent you ignoring the responsibilities of your office. If you want to reach out and touch people, teach math at East Saint Louis after your term expires.

Bartlet

So you think my staying longer was some sort of personal indulgence?

C.J.

I think it's been a difficult time for you sir. For all of us.

Bartlet

What's this really about, C.J.?

C.J.

I understand there was no time, sir. I can't imagine what it was like. I don't have children.

Bartlet

It's like I knew who I was, then woke up one morning and didn't have a clue.

C.J.

I understand, sir. But I need more. You're the President of the United States. My President. I'm frightened. We're all frightened. This is... the world is too dangerous now. Unpredictable. I need you back. I need you to lead.

CJ

Okay, but I've got to be careful about saying "man."

Toby

Why, because--? Oh, c'mon!

CJ

You'd be surprised. I get letters.

Toby

Fine, "human being," then, or do the other mammals complain?

Leo

Don't go out there again until morning.

CJ

Okay, but the enemy's advancing and you had better give me more than a squirt gun before the sun comes up.

CJ

That's one way to make the shutdown seem real to the country -- don't mail eleven million checks.

Will

It'd be catastrophic if we don't fix this.

Toby

FDR will rise from the dead?

Will

Millions of angry grandparents are going to march on Washington, burn us in effigy.

Toby

Sell me.

CJ

We had agreed to a one percent cut on a thirty-day continuing resolution, but the Speaker pulled a bait-and-switch.

Toby

One percent, two percent -- what's so unreasonable about three percent?

CJ

Three percent equals X dollars, which is Y flu vaccinations, Z school lunches...It's more convincing with numbers.

CJ

Toby.

Toby

Yeah.

CJ

Is there something you wanted?

Toby

World peace?

CJ

Toby, I'm not protecting you. Go hide from the President somewhere else.

Charlie

CJ, with the press -- could you ever trust a reporter?

CJ

Is this the beginning of a joke?

CJ

If we're not running offense, we're running defense, and if we're playing defense, then there's some clever sports analogy that explains what happens then....

Josh

We're screwed.

CJ

That'll do...

Josh

Taylor Reid was talking about your spin on the decline in manufacturing jobs and he said...

Toby

'The tall lady's back to telling tall tales.'

CJ

The tall lady.... Carol, call 'The Taylor Reid Show' and book me on the next open slot. I'm going to reach down and rip off his puny, little face.