C.J. Cregg quotes from The West Wing

C.J.

Anything else, Agent Sunshine?

It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.

Sam

[on being a Big Brother] I could narrate what I was doing for him. "Right now, I'm reading background intelligence on Central America as it relates - believe it or not - to textile imports." Intelligence... 007! See, and right away I've got him going with 007.

CJ

I'm sitting here listening; already, I've turned to a life of crime.

Donna

We're here!

Josh

You know, everybody's really over that now.

CJ

Admiral Scott! Your expedition's returned!

Toby

Are they over it?

Josh

Yeah.

Bruno

Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!

Josh

They're almost over it.

C.J.

What is really the difference between one debate and two debates?

Toby

"What's the diff–"! It's a whole other debate! It's a second debate! It's 100% more debate!

Toby

When we mention that we want five debates, say what they are. One on the economy, one on foreign policy, with another on global threats and national security, one on the environment, and one on strengthening family life, which would include health care, education, and retirement. I also think there should be one on parts of speech and sentence structure, and one on fractions.

C.J.

Is there any chance I'm going to get an opportunity to speak in this conversation, or are you just writing out loud?

Toby

I didn't even know you were in the room.

C.J.

Toby, I'm absolutely terrified we're going to lose the expectations game. I can't believe how many times I get asked what would be a win in the debates. At this point I feel like if - and only if - Ritchie accidentally lights his podium on fire does the President have a fighting chance.

Toby

I disagree.

C.J.

Disagree all you want, but I'm right.

Toby

These two men are going to be side by side on the stage, answering questions. That's the ball game.

C.J.

If the whole thing is, he can't tie his shoelaces and it turns out he can, then that is the ball game.

Toby

And I believe he'll have to do more than tie his shoelaces.

C.J.

Not much more.

Bartlet

Ten words. Ten words.

Josh

We don't have them yet, Mr. President.

Bartlet

All right, let's do a drill.

C.J.

Mr. President, despite a rise in tension around the globe, you've held up funding for a missile defense shield.

Bartlet

Too much money for too little protection.

Good.

Bartlet

Next.

Josh

Sir, you oppose a voucher system that would offer children a choice of better schools...

Bartlet

That would offer some children a choice of better schools, but I haven't given up the ghost on better schools for everybody, and vouchers drain money from that goal.

Toby

Mr. President, this next question is on capital punishment, which you oppose: If your youngest daughter Zoey was raped and murdered, would you not want to see the man responsible put to death?

Bartlet

First of all, it's important to understand the President doesn't make that decision, though he appoints the Supreme Court Justices who do so. What... any... um... All right, I'm not going to say that. I'll just go right to... No, I don't. I think you know that I'm opposed.... [sighs] Let's not do that. I haven't seen any evidence that it's a deterrent, and there are more effective... In my state...

Toby

Oh, my God.

Bartlet

What?

Toby

[to Leo] You weren't kidding. [to Bartlet] What's the matter with you? When I left you... I just mentioned your daughter being murdered, and you're giving us an answer that's not only soporific, it's barely human! Yes, you'd want to see him put to death. You'd want it to be cruel and unusual, which is why it's probably a good idea that fathers of murder victims don't have legal rights in these situations. Now, we're going back to school.

Bartlet

Let's go-- ten bucks. Crisis of confidence. [to Leo] You did one square foot of real estate.

Leo

Yes, I did.

Bartlet

Ten bucks for you. [to Toby] And you-- You big bear, come to me. I'm going to kiss you right on the mouth.

C.J.

Ten bucks.

Leo

Anything else, sir?

Bartlet

Work hard.

Thank you, sir.

Josh

[to Sam] Have a safe flight.

Sam

I'll see you in San Diego.

Josh

[to Toby] Sorry about that. It was the President's idea. He bet us you couldn't stay quiet if he gave a bad answer. What?

Toby

He's ready.

CJ

Did you--?

Sam

Yes, I turned, I cursed, I spat, it froze.

Sam

She wanted a name for election night and I said, "Use my name," not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your office now The House of the Rising Sun?

CJ

Yes.

Toby

You did it for the widow.

Sam

Yes, and for a guy I met named Will Bailey who was running the campaign and worked his ass off and never backed off and, by the way, navigated a dead liberal Democrat to a win against Chuck Webb! Five hundred races tonight, that was pretty impressive. Though it was an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me.

CJ

We're all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you! But what I'm most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate, and focuses it where it belongs, which is the contest. This is the story everyone'll be clamoring for and I like that you're filling that need. And to show my gratitude, I'm calling all the major news outlets and letting them know that I'll be forwarding all your confidential memos to the President, logs of all your calls with him, Secret Service logs of your meetings inside the White House.

I really pissed you off, huh?

CJ

Don't disrespect Leo McGarry and Bruno Gianelli.

Bruno

I'm just simply going to kill you.

CJ

She seems nice.

Bruno

That is the brunette, named Annette.

CJ

Wouldn't you give anything if she was from Tibet?

Bruno

I'm actually fine with her being from Philadelphia, so please state your business.

C.J.

We think you should run.

Sam

Why? Why would you think something like that?

C.J.

Well, it was Josh's idea.

Josh

Actually, it was Amy's.

Sam

Why?

Amy

Well, I picked a trifecta with the California 47th, the sheriff's race in Arizona and the Tulsa Family Court.

Sam

Well, can I just give you the money and not...

Amy

I also think you'd be a home run choice. You're going to raise a lot of money. I'm going to help you and I have a hunch the President, who just won a landslide, will be making some visits as well. You'll be the best funded Democrat ever run in 47. You're not going to win, so you can't lose.

Josh

I think you'd energize the state party. We're not going to let you look like a fool. We won't allow it.

Sam

[to Toby] What do you think?

Toby

I don't think you should do it. Energizing the state party's good. A well-funded airing of the issues is good. So is mollifying House Democrats, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You're going to lose. A Democrat's always loses in the 47th. Can't just pick up and try someplace else. They have a name for that.

Sam

I don't know. I don't know. I worked in a state assembly race in Manhattan, in a district where Democrats outnumbered Republicans sixteen to one. But everywhere we went, there'd be one lone poster of a right-wing nutbar who wanted to eliminate the income tax. And he was holding up signs an canvassing everywhere and bugging the local reporters until we had to comment on it. So I introduced myself to his campaign manager and I said 'What are you doing? Your candidate doesn't have a chance. Neither do your issues.' He said 'This is what I believe. And no candidate gets to run in my district without speaking to my issues.' I came this close to voting for him. So... I don't know about what you just said.

Toby

Then I think you should win.

Josh

Danny thinks w-we somehow got a Gulfstream to land in Bermuda, assassinated Shareef, then disassembled the plane and distributed the pieces throughout the Bermuda Triangle?

C.J.

Yeah.

Josh

I think he spent too much time in the Africa hot.

C.J.

The thing is...

Josh

Yeah?

C.J.

I'm absolutely certain that's what happened.

Bartlet

I like your sass.

CJ

You've got a very nice sass yourself... sir.

Bartlet

What, are you touring?

CJ

I could.

Danny

We cut farm assistance in Colombia. Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine. We cut aid for primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt; the kids went to madrassahs. Why weren't you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs, and bad on national security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, sixty-five more flight schools today. Maisy hasn't found your guy. Don't worry. There are thousands more.

CJ

You know something there, General Tso? If you had a story, you'd write it. If you don't have one, shut up. We just lost a vote. We're not bumfuzzled. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cancel a photo op with a goat.

C.J.

Dad... you... cannot expect me to silently do nothing. You're going to require care.

I wasn't built for it. You came for the prom, not for this.

C.J.

Reunion. I'm not going.

Coward. That world, the expertise, the solicitude, no. No, thanks. I want to go down with some silence, with my music, with some grace.

C.J.

I'll quit and take care of you.

'We sail,' said Pascal, 'in a vast sphere,' Claudia Jean, 'ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.' I'd much rather see you on TV, darling, than sitting opposite me, watching a demolition derby going on in my brain.