Toby Ziegler quotes from The West Wing

Nice office.

Toby

Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.

Leo

We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?

Toby

Used a pencil?

Leo

They used a pencil.

Sam

He [Gov. Ritchie] said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.

Toby

I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.

Sam

I know.

Toby

You making fun of the Yankees?

Sam

Uh...no...

Toby

Now?

Toby

He's [Gov. Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now?

Sam

Local news covered it. He said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.

Toby

I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.

Sam

I know.

Toby

You making fun of the Yankees?

Sam

Uh...no...

Toby

Now?

Sam

I'm not.

Toby

They went to the Yankee game.

Sam

He's coming at intermission.

Toby

Well, I'm not sure that suits me.

Sam

I know what you mean.

Toby

Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.

Sam

Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit.

Toby

Just talk to me a minute.

Sam

How many people are at the game?

Toby

It's a good game. About 40,000 probably.

Sam

There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election, but...

Toby

I am so... proud of you.

Sam

You're really very much freaking me out.

Toby

Our goal is to proclaim American values.

This speech isn't supposed to be about ideology. It's supposed to be about reality.

Toby

I think the President will decide what the speech is supposed to be about, but the reality is, the United States of America no longer sucks up to reactionaries, and our staunch allies will know what we mean.

We don't have any staunch allies in the Arab world; just reluctant ones. We've a coalition held together with duct tape! A coalition without which we cannot fight!

Toby

Nobody's blowing off the coalition, and that coalition will be plenty strong.

Oh, when we win?

Toby

That's right.

What's Egypt going to think? Or Pakistan?

Toby

That freedom and democracy are coming soon to a theatre near them, so get dressed.

Toby... you guys are on a thing right now. And I'm behind you. You know I'm behind you; a lot of House Democrats are...

Toby

Not enough.

And plenty of Republicans. But this one moment in time, you have to get off your horse and just... simply put - be nice to the Arab world.

Toby

Be nice?

Yes.

Toby

Well... How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for harboring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited. How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union when the President praised the Islamic people as faithful and hardworking only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam? But none of that is the point.

What's the point?

Toby

I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini! Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win! [long pause] Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing, nothing, nothing but the Koran and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America? Judeo-Christianity? No. If their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet, so be it. But I want those kids to... look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history. Some literature. [pause] They'll like us when we win.

Toby

Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House.

Wow. Humongous whoop.

Josh

Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.

How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?

Josh

Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson.

Donna

Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt in what obviously is a private moment between the two of you and your... two friends. We came in this morning...

We know who you are. We're not rednecks.

Donna

Okay. Well, I'm Donna Moss and this is my boss.

Josh

Josh Lyman.

Toby

Toby Ziegler.

Donna

Anyway, we're very crunched for time and we think that you...

Toby

I work at the White House.

Wow. Humongous whoop.

Josh

Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.

How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?

Josh

Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson. Tyler, no fooling around. We've got 15 minutes to get to a plane that is 3 miles from here. That plane-- I swear to God-- is taking off at 1:00.

It's taking off at 1:00?

Josh

Yes, it is.

Are you guys stupid or something? It's 1:45 right now.

Josh

It's 12:45.

No, not here it's not.

Donna

Oh, my God, she's right.

See, we crossed over from Unionville to Dearborn County which doesn't observe Daylight saving time.

I think it's the other way around, genius.

What did I ever do to you?

Donna

It says on the schedule, "All times are local." This is why I couldn't get anyone on their cell.

Josh

Wait. Wait. No. No. You're not... We changed time zones? We changed time... We changed time zones?!

It's a-a common mistake.

Josh

Not for the U.S. government!

Toby

What kind of schmuck-ass system could this possibly...

Josh

That's good! That's perfect!

Toby

How did...? I don't understand.

Josh

Perfect. Just the break I'm looking for.

Toby

What do...? What do...? People, they just... They reset their watches when they commute?

Josh

I can't take working here.

Toby

They just change their watches every time they cross a time zone? What is this, a joke?!

Josh

Serving my country.

Donna

Okay, this is a whole new thing now. My guys are going to need to walk this off a bit before they can regroup. Kiki, you and your friends get back to school. Tyler, you and I are going to come up with a plan to get us to a commercial airport.

Josh

You have an inadvertent habit of putting down my Judaism by implying that you have a sharper anti-Semitism meter than I do.

Toby

You know, the ancient Hebrews had a word for Jews from Westport: they pronounced it "Presbyterian."

Josh

And by saying things like that.

Toby

I'm just saying, I'm from Brighton Beach.

Josh

Well, Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bizir doesn't make the distinction when he suits up in the morning.

Toby

Well, as long as you have a good grasp of the complexity of that situation.

Donna

What the hell are the two of you talking about?

Toby

I assure you neither one of us knows.

Josh

Campaigns aren't about the candidates.

Toby

No?

Josh

They're about the voters. How-how are we going to create jobs? how-how are we going to get healthcare? How are we going to make the lights go on? How are we going to protect ourselves?

Toby

Don't you want to ask if the plumber knows which directions the pipes run? Don't you...? Forget the plumber. Don't... [sighs]... we want leadership to sound and feel like, instead of appealing to our-our least expensive, however legitimate, desire to feel good about ourselves? Don't we want...?

Donna

All right, that's it. I can't take it.

Toby

He started it.

Donna

I am not kidding. I have such an impulse to knock your heads together. I can't remember the last time I heard you two talk about anything other than how a campaign was playing in Washington. Cathy needed to take a second job so her dad could be covered by her insurance. She tried to tell you how bad things were for family farmers. You told her we already lost Indiana. You made fun of the fair but you didn't see they have livestock exhibitions and give prizes for the biggest tomato and the best heirloom apple. They're proud of what they grow. Eight modes of transportation, the kindness of six strangers, random conversations with twelve more, and nobody brought up Bartlet versus Ritchie but you. I'm writing letters, on your behalf to the parents of the kids who were killed today. Can I have the table, please?

Flight's delayed?

Toby

Yeah.

Me, too. I'm going to St. Louis.

Toby

Washington.

I'm with my daughter. She's up, uh, stairs in the room, but we were out here looking at Notre Dame.

Toby

Yeah.

You got kids?

Toby

No.

Wait till you take your oldest to look at colleges. It's an incredible feeling. You wish they'd go to college across the street from your house, but you know...

Toby

Yeah. [to the bartender] A Jack Daniels, rocks.

Yeah.

Toby

My boss went to Notre Dame.

Beautiful campus. I've never seen anything like it. She-she's not going to get to sleep tonight. [pause] You see what happened in the market today?

Toby

Yeah, I-I saw. You invested?

Ehh... Mutual fund that's supposed to send her to college. I never imagined at $55,000 a year, I'd have trouble making ends meet. And my wife brings in another 25. My son's in public school. It's no good. I mean, there's 37 kids in the class, uh, no art and music, no advanced placement classes. Other kids, their mother has to make them practice the piano. You can't pull my son away from the piano. He needs teachers. I spend half the day thinking about what happens if I slip and fall down on my own front porch, you know? It should be hard. I like that it's hard. Putting your daughter through college, that's-that's a man's job. A man's accomplishment. But it should be a little easier. Just a little easier. 'Cause in that difference is... everything. [pause] I'm sorry. I'm, uh, I-I'm Matt Kelley.

Toby

I'm Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House. Have a minute to talk? We'd, uh... like to buy you a beer.

Donna

We're here!

Josh

You know, everybody's really over that now.

CJ

Admiral Scott! Your expedition's returned!

Toby

Are they over it?

Josh

Yeah.

Bruno

Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!

Josh

They're almost over it.

C.J.

What is really the difference between one debate and two debates?

Toby

"What's the diff–"! It's a whole other debate! It's a second debate! It's 100% more debate!

Toby

When we mention that we want five debates, say what they are. One on the economy, one on foreign policy, with another on global threats and national security, one on the environment, and one on strengthening family life, which would include health care, education, and retirement. I also think there should be one on parts of speech and sentence structure, and one on fractions.

C.J.

Is there any chance I'm going to get an opportunity to speak in this conversation, or are you just writing out loud?

Toby

I didn't even know you were in the room.

C.J.

Toby, I'm absolutely terrified we're going to lose the expectations game. I can't believe how many times I get asked what would be a win in the debates. At this point I feel like if - and only if - Ritchie accidentally lights his podium on fire does the President have a fighting chance.

Toby

I disagree.

C.J.

Disagree all you want, but I'm right.

Toby

These two men are going to be side by side on the stage, answering questions. That's the ball game.

C.J.

If the whole thing is, he can't tie his shoelaces and it turns out he can, then that is the ball game.

Toby

And I believe he'll have to do more than tie his shoelaces.

C.J.

Not much more.

Toby

A couple of things. I need you to look at a couple of answers on defense readiness. I need concrete examples of waste in Pentagon procurement. We need two more members of the IRC for post spin. I need you to fill out this marriage license and paperwork for a joint checking account and review this 60-second answer on Rwanda.

Okay, okay, okay and um, under no circumstances, and sure.

Toby

See, by my count, you said under no circumstances to the IRC post spin and sure...

I said under no circumstances to marrying you again.

Toby

May I ask why?

I have the unique experience of having done it once before.

Sam

What's going on with you and Andy?

Toby

Nothing.

Sam

I think you're wrong.

Toby

I'm not.

Sam

I think you're getting back together.

Toby

We're not.

Sam

But you want to.

Toby

Yes.

Sam

I think... Wait. What?

Toby

See, sometimes if I slam on the brakes, you run right past.

Josh

Okay, fill us in on everything you've got so far between the two of you.

Toby

Yeah, that's what's going to happen right now.