Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
TobyI agree.
Toby
So let's stick to the spirit of the law.
The spirit of the law means no soft money.
Toby
No, I'm saying let's do an issue ad, an actual issue ad. Let's do a bunch. Health care, equal opportunity--
CConnie
School construction.
Toby
School construction. Does anyone think that raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us?
There's actually a reasonable point here. New polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it.
And the ad could spark a debate on the issue, which would help.
And we take a parallel path on our free media.
CConnie
Across America, our schools are crumbling, holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair.
Toby
And when schools fall down, so do test scores.
This isn't bad, I like this.
OOperator
Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
Toby
What the hell is...
OOperator
How can I help you, sir?
Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
OOperator
Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
OOperator
I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
OOperator
And your address?
OOperator
Your street address, please?
Toby
[picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
OOperator
Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
I do radio commercials for... products.
OOperator
And how can I help you?
[sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
OOperator
It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
OOperator
Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
OOperator
Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
OOperator
One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
OOperator
Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
OOperator
Do you have an accurate thermometer?
Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...
Toby
[whispering] Fargo.
Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
OOperator
Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.
Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.
Toby
Yeah.
[about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.
Toby
Call her.
Toby
Yeah.
No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.
Toby
Yeah.
I need to come in under the cover of business.
Toby
'Cause you're a straight shooter.
Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.
Toby
How about the word "feministas"?
[about an inaccurate tell-all book] I'm sorry. We can't sit on the sidelines and ignore this crap. I'm not going to. Why am I the only one taking this seriously?
Toby
That's a reasonable question and we should explore that for a minute.
It's not the reason you think.
Toby
You hired the guy.
Yes, I hired the guy, but that's not... Legitimate news organizations are going to cover this to say nothing of the people who hate us who are going to run it over, over, over, over, over...This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He is not credible. I'm a lawyer, I'm telling you. That has to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we got to come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth. If there's a comma in the wrong place he needs to be killed until he is dead and he needs to be killed again or he is going to keep biting at our ankles and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're going to be.
[snapping fingers rhythmically] Boy, boy, crazy boy. Keep cool, boy...
I'm not going to be a victim of this.
Let me tell you something I've learned in my years. There are victims of fires. There are victims of car accidents. This kind of thing, there are no victims - just volunteers. Of course we'll get in the game. I'll talk to the editors of the major papers but we're not going to publicly refute every bogus charge. First of all, there are too many of them. Second of all, I'm not going to give this guy and his book the weight of the White House. As far as the press is concerned I've read the book because I had to. You have a vague recollection of the guy but he wasn't here long enough to make a lasting impression. Have you read the book? Of course not. You're too busy doing a job.
While you're convincing the Post and the Times that it's ridiculous...
Sam! Once again, we don't know what's going on in the Oval Office. Obviously, there's a problem. When it's our turn to worry about it they won't be shy about telling us. Let's not fixate on the knuckleheaded stuff we think we can fix in the meantime. And it feels a lot like...that's what you're doing.
A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?
[Silence in the room. No one responds.]
Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?
Toby
It'll be seen as a political ploy.
It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.
Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.
You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?
I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.
Once again, why would somebody...?
Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.
KKenny
She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.
I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.
Toby
We're not going.
I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
Toby
I'm that way.
You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
Toby
We're not going.
There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Toby
Butter on the table?
It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
Toby
How do they keep it from melting?
Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Toby
Thank you.
Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.
Toby
I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. "Hi. Good evening. My name is..." And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name. I wasn't gonna bother anybody.
Toby, if you have something to say, please say it.
Toby
Ritchie's good for all time zones.
My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem?
Toby
Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin.
Toby
It's between educated and masculine. Or Eastern academic elite and plain-spoken.
It's always been like that.
Toby
Sir, I don't think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change, depending on whether or not you're in the room.
Toby
Well, there's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal.
You're gonna sing a country western song?
Toby
The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart.
This stopped being fun for me a little while ago.
Toby
Sir?
It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite.
Toby
[pause] Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President?
Toby
Your father used to hit you, sir?
Toby
Not like a spanking.
Toby
He punched you.
I'm done being polite now.
Toby
He did it because you made him mad, but you didn't know why.
Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you?
Toby
It was because you were smarter than he was.
It was a complicated relationship.
Toby
He didn't like you, sir. That's why he hit you. That's why people hit each other. He didn't like you. You were smarter than he was.
Why are we talking about this?
Toby
So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will--
You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the sidewalk right now.
Toby
Yes, sir.
They would've had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. I don't know what the hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink's office, but get it the hell out of my house!
Toby
Thank you Mr. President. [he leaves]
Toby
That's a beautiful chess set.
Toby
Really?
Yeah, it's hand-carved. It belonged to the Prime Minister's grandfather, who used it to play with Lord Mountbatten.
Toby
I'm surprised that she gave it away.
Nah, we boosted it on our way out of the palace. I've got some little bottles of shampoo and conditioner, too.
[playing chess] Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck, this game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart, and you've got it, my friend.
Toby
You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.
...
You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in the class.
Toby
Ooh I don't know, sir. Being the smartest kid in the class is a pretty good pitch. It's not a strike, unless you watch it as it sails by.
Toby
Check.
Toby
I don't believe you are.
If a guy's a good neighbor, if he puts in a day, if every once in a while he laughs, if every once in a while he thinks about somebody else, and above all else if he can find his way to compassion and-and tolerance, then he's my brother and I don't give a damn if he didn't get past fingerpainting. What I can't stomach are people who are out to convince people that the educated are soft and privileged and out to make them feel like they're less than - you know - "he may be educated, but I'm plain-spoken just like you". Especially when we know education can be the silver bullet, it can be the silver bullet Toby! For crime, poverty, unemployment, drugs, hatred-
Toby
Who are you trying to convince?
I'm saying I don't watch the pitch go by.
Toby
Abbey told me this story once. She said you were at a party once where you were bending the guy's ear. You were telling him that Ellie had mastered her multiplication tables and she was in third grade reading at a fifth-grade level and she loved books and she scored two goals for her soccer team the week before, you were going on and on... And what made that story remarkable was that the party you were at was in Stockholm and the man you were talking you was King Gustav, who two hours earlier had given you the Nobel Prize in economics. [laughs] I mean, my god, you just won the Nobel Prize and all you wanted to talk about to the King of Sweden was Ellie's multiplication tables!
[approaches to sit across from him] What's your point?
Toby
You're a good father, you don't have to act like it. You're the President, you don't have to act like it. You're a good man, you don't have to act like it. You're not just folksy, you're not plain-spoken... Do not, do not, do not act like it!
I don't want to be killed.
Toby
Then make this election about smart, and not... Make it about engaged, and not. Qualified, and not. Make it about a heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.
[Toby lays down his king on the board to retire. Bartlet stands and turns to walk out.]
Pick your king up. We're not done playing yet.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
