Toby Ziegler quotes from The West Wing

Charlie

Josh and Sam talked to me. I'm on board.

Toby

With what?

Charlie

Team Toby.

Toby

See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.

Charlie

If you want to marry Andy, then, damn it, so do I...

Toby

Okay.

Charlie

...want that, you know, to happen to you.

Toby

I get it.

Charlie

Do you? Because this is about love.

Toby

I think you have a different motivation.

Charlie

Laughs?

Toby

Yes.

Charlie

Sure, but also as much love, really, as I think either one of us are comfortable with.

Gov. Ritchie

Now, I want people to work together in this great country, and that's what I did in Florida--I brought people together--and that's what I'll do as your President. End the logjam, end the gridlock, and bring Republicans together with Democrats, 'cause Americans are tired of partisan politics.

Bartlet

Actually, what you've done in Florida is bring the right together with the far right. And I don't think Americans are tired of partisan politics; I think they're tired of hearing career politicians diss partisan politics to get a gig. I've tried it before. They ain't buying it. That's okay, though...that's okay, though, 'cause partisan politics is good. Partisan politics is what the Founders had in mind. It guarantees that the minority opinion is heard, and as a lifelong possessor of minority opinions, I appreciate it. But if you're troubled by it, Governor, you should know, in this campaign, you've used the word 'liberal' 74 times. In one day. It was yesterday.

Toby

I'm not sure I can watch anymore...no, wait, I can. I can.

Bartlet

Ten words. Ten words.

Josh

We don't have them yet, Mr. President.

Bartlet

All right, let's do a drill.

C.J.

Mr. President, despite a rise in tension around the globe, you've held up funding for a missile defense shield.

Bartlet

Too much money for too little protection.

Good.

Bartlet

Next.

Josh

Sir, you oppose a voucher system that would offer children a choice of better schools...

Bartlet

That would offer some children a choice of better schools, but I haven't given up the ghost on better schools for everybody, and vouchers drain money from that goal.

Toby

Mr. President, this next question is on capital punishment, which you oppose: If your youngest daughter Zoey was raped and murdered, would you not want to see the man responsible put to death?

Bartlet

First of all, it's important to understand the President doesn't make that decision, though he appoints the Supreme Court Justices who do so. What... any... um... All right, I'm not going to say that. I'll just go right to... No, I don't. I think you know that I'm opposed.... [sighs] Let's not do that. I haven't seen any evidence that it's a deterrent, and there are more effective... In my state...

Toby

Oh, my God.

Bartlet

What?

Toby

[to Leo] You weren't kidding. [to Bartlet] What's the matter with you? When I left you... I just mentioned your daughter being murdered, and you're giving us an answer that's not only soporific, it's barely human! Yes, you'd want to see him put to death. You'd want it to be cruel and unusual, which is why it's probably a good idea that fathers of murder victims don't have legal rights in these situations. Now, we're going back to school.

Bartlet

Let's go-- ten bucks. Crisis of confidence. [to Leo] You did one square foot of real estate.

Leo

Yes, I did.

Bartlet

Ten bucks for you. [to Toby] And you-- You big bear, come to me. I'm going to kiss you right on the mouth.

C.J.

Ten bucks.

Leo

Anything else, sir?

Bartlet

Work hard.

Thank you, sir.

Josh

[to Sam] Have a safe flight.

Sam

I'll see you in San Diego.

Josh

[to Toby] Sorry about that. It was the President's idea. He bet us you couldn't stay quiet if he gave a bad answer. What?

Toby

He's ready.

Sam

You wrote a concession?

Toby

Of course I wrote a concession. What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the... whatever, from high atop the thing?

Sam

No.

Toby

Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What's the hell is the matter with you?

Sam

It's like, 25 degrees outside.

Toby

Go!

Sam

Did you know Toby wrote a concession speech?

Josh

Of course he wrote a concession speech. What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?

Sam

The wrath from high atop the thing?

Toby

He upped and said we were gonna...

Josh

No! You gotta go outside, turn around three times and curse.

Toby

Spit.

Josh

Spit and curse.

Toby

Do everything.

Josh

Go!

Toby

Go!

GO!

Sam

She wanted a name for election night and I said, "Use my name," not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your office now The House of the Rising Sun?

CJ

Yes.

Toby

You did it for the widow.

Sam

Yes, and for a guy I met named Will Bailey who was running the campaign and worked his ass off and never backed off and, by the way, navigated a dead liberal Democrat to a win against Chuck Webb! Five hundred races tonight, that was pretty impressive. Though it was an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me.

C.J.

We think you should run.

Sam

Why? Why would you think something like that?

C.J.

Well, it was Josh's idea.

Josh

Actually, it was Amy's.

Sam

Why?

Amy

Well, I picked a trifecta with the California 47th, the sheriff's race in Arizona and the Tulsa Family Court.

Sam

Well, can I just give you the money and not...

Amy

I also think you'd be a home run choice. You're going to raise a lot of money. I'm going to help you and I have a hunch the President, who just won a landslide, will be making some visits as well. You'll be the best funded Democrat ever run in 47. You're not going to win, so you can't lose.

Josh

I think you'd energize the state party. We're not going to let you look like a fool. We won't allow it.

Sam

[to Toby] What do you think?

Toby

I don't think you should do it. Energizing the state party's good. A well-funded airing of the issues is good. So is mollifying House Democrats, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You're going to lose. A Democrat's always loses in the 47th. Can't just pick up and try someplace else. They have a name for that.

Sam

I don't know. I don't know. I worked in a state assembly race in Manhattan, in a district where Democrats outnumbered Republicans sixteen to one. But everywhere we went, there'd be one lone poster of a right-wing nutbar who wanted to eliminate the income tax. And he was holding up signs an canvassing everywhere and bugging the local reporters until we had to comment on it. So I introduced myself to his campaign manager and I said 'What are you doing? Your candidate doesn't have a chance. Neither do your issues.' He said 'This is what I believe. And no candidate gets to run in my district without speaking to my issues.' I came this close to voting for him. So... I don't know about what you just said.

Toby

Then I think you should win.

Toby

Call and response isn't going to work in front of a Joint Session. You're alliteration happy: 'guardians of gridlock,' 'protectors of privilege.' I needed an avalanche of Advil. And when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf life of twelve minutes. You don't mind constructive criticism, do you?

Will

No, sir.

Toby

Anyway, thanks for coming in. I told Sam I can do this by myself.

Will

Well, maybe he thought that your speeches were obscurantist policy tracts lost in a cul-de-sac of their own internal self-righteousness and groaning from the weight of statistics. I'm just speculating. I can't say for sure.

Toby

[pause; laughs to himself] A 500-word stanza on American leadership in a globally interdependent age that moves beyond triumphalism by this time tomorrow. If it's 501, don't show it to me.

Toby

This is incredibly good... Will. 'Never shrinking from the world's...' '...a fierce belief in what we can achieve together.' I used to write like this. It was ten months ago. I don't understand what's going on. I really don't. I've had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different. I'm sorry, we don't know each other, but there aren't that many people I can talk to about it. I don't understand what's happening. There's no blood going to it. I never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look. I'm the President's voice and I don't want it to sound like this. And there's an incredible history to second Inaugurals. 'Fear itself,' Lincoln...I really thought I was on my way to being one of those guys. I thought I was close. Now I'm just writing for my life and you can't serve the President that way. But if I didn't write...I can't serve him at all.

Will

Yeah. Can I tell you three things? You are more in need of a night in Atlantic City than any man I've ever met. Number two is, the last thing you need to worry about is no blood going there. You've got blood going there, about thirteen ways. And some of it isn't good. Once again, I say, 'Atlantic City.' I'd say sit down at a table, go for dinner, see a show take a walk on the boardwalk and smell the salt air... but if you're anything like me, nothing after 'sit down at a table' is going to happen.

Toby

What's the third thing?

Will

You are one of those guys.

Will

Seriously, Toby, you put me in that office and everyone who works on the speech-writing staff is gonna resent me.

Toby

Don't be ridiculous. It's a West Wing office. Everyone who works in the White House is gonna resent you.

Bartlet

Mr. McGarry, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Lyman, Miss Cregg. It's the Temptations! I love you guys!

Leo

You only think you've heard everything, but you haven't.

Bartlet

Hit me.

Leo

Toby.

Toby

James Hoebuck will vote yea ten-thirty if we give him $115,000.

Bartlet

Million?

Josh

Thousand. $115,000.

Bartlet

For an RV? What's he want?

Leo

An NIH study on remote prayer.

Bartlet

I like it. There should be a button on my desk I can press and forty-nine people instantly pray for me.

Toby

I throw a rubber ball against the window; that means you come to me. As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window.

Will

Don't you ever worry about the window breaking?

Toby

During moments of peak frustration: when the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the 16th Amendment, a couple of Yankee games, and when Congress censured my boss...but it's always held up, that window; that window is a game-day player.

Toby

This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force! That we use force, whenever we see an injustice we want to correct: like Mother Teresa with first-strike capability!

Will

Damn right!

Will

I heard once - I don't know if this is true - I heard once that you convinced the President to let you rewrite a section of the State of the Union with less than twenty-four hours to go. It was the second year and everybody was a Republican, whether they were or not, and people at the DNC had convinced him to include the line, 'The era of big government is over.' And you couldn't live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. And that's exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the next night.

Toby

There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation.

Will

Well, if I'd have been one of them, I would have repeated it to everyone I met.

Toby

We're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it.

CJ

That's always what we're talking about. And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're also soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, we should be about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up!