Josiah Bartlet quotes from The West Wing

Charlie

They're saying I owe the federal government money?

Bartlet

And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over.

Charlie

There's a mistake.

Bartlet

Whatever. Cough it up.

Bartlet

It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?

We used a translation, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.

Bartlet

[whispering] Tell her where you are.

Donna

Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office and it is because of you.

Donna

[on the phone to her former teacher] Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.

At the end of this year.

Donna

Well, I... I just wanted to say. I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say... I don't know.

Are--Are you sure everything's all right?

Bartlet

[whispering] Tell her where you are.

Donna

Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it is because of you. [silence] Mrs. Morello?

What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna.

Bartlet

She didn't do anything.

Was that...?

Bartlet

It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?

We used a translation, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.

Mr. President.

Bartlet

Fitz! Fitz, you old polecat, you old so-and-so.

Trying to be "one of the fellas," sir?

Bartlet

Yeah.

Well, well done, sir.

C.J.

[walking into the Oval Office] Good morning, Mr. President.

Bartlet

You're gonna get Secret Service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper, so sign this piece of paper.

Bartlet

Because Ron says it is, and around here we do whatever Ron says.

C.J.

Well, I think it might be an over-reaction.

Bartlet

Good for you. With all your years of training and experience in sniffing out crime, your opinion really carries a lot of weight with me.

C.J.

I don't want to appear fragile.

Bartlet

Are you kidding?

C.J.

Sir...

Bartlet

We're talking about one bodyguard. I have twelve, and that's before I leave the house. You ever count the number of guns that come along with me when Abbey and I take in a play at the Kennedy Center? Do I seem fragile to you?

C.J.

No, sir.

Bartlet

Then...

C.J.

You're also not a woman in a man's job. To say nothing of the fact that you're required by law to be protected by the Treasury Department. You don't have a choice. And frankly, sir, you and I both know that you score points frequently with the public and with the press by shrugging off your Secret Service and doing whatever... going to a book store.

Bartlet

I don't care.

C.J.

Sir...

Bartlet

I don't care! You're part of my family, and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper.

Bartlet

[about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.

Charlie

Yes, sir. Absolutely.

Bartlet

I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.

Charlie

No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.

Bartlet

Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with?

Charlie

Was she...?

Bartlet

She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name.

Charlie

Well, sir, maybe...

Bartlet

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.

Charlie

Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned.

There's gonna be a second interview?

Charlie

There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.

Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet?

Charlie

I'm calling a cab now.

Okay.

Bartlet

What's going on?

Charlie

Nothing, sir. [pause] I'll be arranging a second meeting with Deborah Fiderer when we get back to town.

Bartlet

From this afternoon?

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Are you pledging a fraternity or something, 'cause this would be a good one.

Charlie

Sir?

Bartlet

What's with you and this woman?

Charlie

She hired me. That's why she was fired.

Bartlet

Civilians get trials.

Leo

I'd argue he's not a civilian. So would the Attorney General.

Bartlet

They're gonna find out it's us. We could make it look like the plane went down, but they're gonna find out it's us, and I'm gonna be running for reelection while I'm fighting a war against Qumar.

Leo

That's why you want to say no?

Bartlet

I want him tried.

Leo

That can't happen.

Bartlet

I understand.

Leo

I was talking this morning about how Mallory names all the lobsters in the tank.

Bartlet

Yeah.

Leo

Would it be helpful if I brought you a list of names of Shareef's victims?

Bartlet

What do you want from me?

Leo

Who was the monk who wrote, "I always don't know the right thing to do, Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you." [beat] You have two minutes, sir.

Bartlet

This isn't a matter of religion.

Leo

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

I recognize that there's evil in the world.

Leo

What is your objection exactly, sir?

Bartlet

Doesn't this mean we join the league of ordinary nations?

Leo

That's your objection? I'm not gonna have trouble saying the Pledge of Allegiance tomorrow.

Bartlet

That's not my objection.

Leo

Sir...

Bartlet

It's just wrong. It's absolutely wrong.

Leo

I know, but you have to do it anyway.

Bartlet

Why?

Leo

'Cause you won.

Bartlet

Take him.

Gov. Ritchie

You enjoying the play?

Bartlet

I am. How about you?

Gov. Ritchie

We just got here. We were at the Yankee game. We were, you know, hung up in traffic.

Bartlet

Yeah, I know. Listen, politics aside, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but you probably insulted the church, and you can head it off at the pass if you speak to the Cardinal tonight.

Gov. Ritchie

Well, I didn't mean to insult anybody.

Bartlet

No.

Gov. Ritchie

And it's a baseball game. It's how ordinary Americans...

Bartlet

Yeah. [beat] No, I don't understand that. The center fielder for the Yankees is an accomplished classical guitarist. People who like baseball can't like books?

Gov. Ritchie

Are you taking this personally?

Bartlet

No. Something horrible happened about an hour ago. C.J. Cregg was getting threats so we put an agent on her. He's a good guy. He was on my detail for a while, and he was in Rosslyn. He walked in the middle of an armed robbery, and was shot and killed after detaining one of the suspects.

Gov. Ritchie

Oh. Crime...Boy, I don't know.

Bartlet

[nods, sighs] We should have a great debate, Rob. We owe it to everyone. When I was running as a governor, I didn't know anything. I made them start Bartlet College in my dining room. Two hours every morning on foreign affairs and the military. You can do that.

Gov. Ritchie

How many different ways you think you're gonna find to call me dumb?

Bartlet

I wasn't, Rob. But you've turned being un-engaged into a Zen-like thing, and you shouldn't enjoy it so much is all. And if it appears at times as if I don't like you, that's the reason why.

Gov. Ritchie

You're what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're, uh, Hollywood, you're weak, you're liberal, and you can't be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why.

Bartlet

They're playing my song. [stands and walks away, then turns back] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.

They keep moving the goalpost on you, don't they? Get A's, good college, Latin honors. Get into the London School of Economics. Get a good teaching job. Ivy League school, tenure. Now you gotta publish, now you gotta go to Stockholm.

Bartlet

It's not good for a person to keep setting goals?

It probably is, but it's tricky for somebody who's still trying to get his father to stop hitting him.

Bartlet

Well, I'm told that most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Yeah, but that's most men. That's not you. That's the other people, the ones who feel stress. You're destined for something else.

Bartlet

I have abilities.

And now you have an opportunity to use them.

Bartlet

I think I have.

That room I passed down the hall, on the left, it's got a name, right?

Bartlet

I think you're talking about the Lincoln Bedroom.

Right. This is a hell of a curve you get graded on now. Lincoln freed the slaves and won the Civil War. "Thank you. Next! And what will you be singing for us today, Mr. Bartlet?" "Well, we've had six straight quarters of economic growth."

Bartlet

That's not easy.

Okay.

Bartlet

It's not easy.

I believe you.

Bartlet

I think I've made tough choices.

I think Lincoln did what he thought was right, even though it meant losing half the country. I think you don't do what you think is right if it means losing Michigan's electoral votes.

Bartlet

You don't know anything.

I'll be the first to admit that.

Bartlet

I'm not trying to get my father to like me.

Good. 'Cause it's never, never gonna happen. Look, we're done for the night.

Bartlet

What?

We've been here for two hours. It was a double session. We're done for the night.

Bartlet

Stanley, I hate to put it this way, but I'm me, and you're you, and we're done when I say we're done.

No. [pause] I think you could use some assistance right now, sir. Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. [pause] Our time is up.

Josh

We run the risk of alienating...

Bartlet

Heroin addicts?

Josh

Liberals.

Bartlet

Whatever.

Bartlet

Mike, pick yourself out a daughter. My oldest is married, but I can have it annulled. The Pope said he'd do it, I swear to God.

That's very friendly of you, sir. Thank you.

We're choosing pictures from the collection at the National Gallery.

Bartlet

They'll loan stuff?

Anything you want in the National Gallery or the whole Smithsonian.

Bartlet

Really?

Yeah.

Bartlet

I want Apollo 11.

Well, you can't have that.

Bartlet

Then don't bother me.

Gov. Ritchie

My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.

President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.

Bartlet

Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. Now, I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?

Josh

Game on!