I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. "Hi. Good evening. My name is..." And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name. I wasn't gonna bother anybody.
BartletToby, if you have something to say, please say it.
Ritchie's good for all time zones.
Bartlet
My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem?
Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin.
Bartlet
Yeah?
It's between educated and masculine. Or Eastern academic elite and plain-spoken.
Bartlet
It's always been like that.
Sir, I don't think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change, depending on whether or not you're in the room.
Bartlet
But?
Well, there's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal.
Bartlet
You're gonna sing a country western song?
The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart.
Bartlet
This stopped being fun for me a little while ago.
Bartlet
It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite.
[pause] Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President?
Bartlet
Excuse me?
Your father used to hit you, sir?
Bartlet
[pause] Yeah.
Bartlet
He hit me. Why?
Bartlet
I'm done being polite now.
He did it because you made him mad, but you didn't know why.
Bartlet
Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you?
It was because you were smarter than he was.
Bartlet
It was a complicated relationship.
He didn't like you, sir. That's why he hit you. That's why people hit each other. He didn't like you. You were smarter than he was.
Bartlet
Why are we talking about this?
So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will--
Bartlet
You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the sidewalk right now.
Bartlet
They would've had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. I don't know what the hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink's office, but get it the hell out of my house!
Thank you Mr. President. [he leaves]
Bartlet
Well, I guess we talked about a lot of things: who we think the Republican challenger is gonna be, and incumbency, and campaign strategy - strategic overview, but the long and short of it is, my father never liked me, at all. [long pause]
Well, at least we're closer to my area now.
Bartlet
Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that.
That's a beautiful chess set.
Bartlet
It's a gift for you.
Bartlet
Yeah, it's hand-carved. It belonged to the Prime Minister's grandfather, who used it to play with Lord Mountbatten.
I'm surprised that she gave it away.
Bartlet
Nah, we boosted it on our way out of the palace. I've got some little bottles of shampoo and conditioner, too.
Bartlet
Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck. This game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart and you've got it, my friend.
You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.
Bartlet
Check.
Bartlet
[playing chess] Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck, this game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart, and you've got it, my friend.
You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.
...
Bartlet
You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in the class.
Ooh I don't know, sir. Being the smartest kid in the class is a pretty good pitch. It's not a strike, unless you watch it as it sails by.
Bartlet
I don't do that.
Bartlet
And I'm not a snob.
Bartlet
If a guy's a good neighbor, if he puts in a day, if every once in a while he laughs, if every once in a while he thinks about somebody else, and above all else if he can find his way to compassion and-and tolerance, then he's my brother and I don't give a damn if he didn't get past fingerpainting. What I can't stomach are people who are out to convince people that the educated are soft and privileged and out to make them feel like they're less than - you know - "he may be educated, but I'm plain-spoken just like you". Especially when we know education can be the silver bullet, it can be the silver bullet Toby! For crime, poverty, unemployment, drugs, hatred-
Who are you trying to convince?
Bartlet
I'm saying I don't watch the pitch go by.
Abbey told me this story once. She said you were at a party once where you were bending the guy's ear. You were telling him that Ellie had mastered her multiplication tables and she was in third grade reading at a fifth-grade level and she loved books and she scored two goals for her soccer team the week before, you were going on and on... And what made that story remarkable was that the party you were at was in Stockholm and the man you were talking you was King Gustav, who two hours earlier had given you the Nobel Prize in economics. [laughs] I mean, my god, you just won the Nobel Prize and all you wanted to talk about to the King of Sweden was Ellie's multiplication tables!
Bartlet
[approaches to sit across from him] What's your point?
You're a good father, you don't have to act like it. You're the President, you don't have to act like it. You're a good man, you don't have to act like it. You're not just folksy, you're not plain-spoken... Do not, do not, do not act like it!
Bartlet
I don't want to be killed.
Then make this election about smart, and not... Make it about engaged, and not. Qualified, and not. Make it about a heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.
[Toby lays down his king on the board to retire. Bartlet stands and turns to walk out.]
Bartlet
Pick your king up. We're not done playing yet.
[Leo knocks and walks into the office.]
Bartlet
[to Sam] Like this.
[Bartlet walks to Leo to read the note he brought him.]
Bartlet
Turn them around. I'll make some calls and thank people.
Bartlet
Thank you, by the way.
[Bartlet returns to Sam and hands him the piece of paper.]
I'd like to try it without looking at the note.
Bartlet
[sits down] Okay.
China agrees to stand down the war games.
Bartlet
Right.
And they agree to let Taiwan test the Patriots. One Patriot.
Bartlet
Yes.
And we... please, I want to be right about this. We agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of I don't know... five years.
Bartlet
Ten years, but you've got it.
Sir, the Aegis... the Aegis radar technology isn't not something... I mean, what if Taiwan did fall to China? Now they have...and plus these ships cost something like $800 million apiece. Buying four of them would eat half of Taiwan's defense budget.
Bartlet
And so?
You never were going to sell them the destroyers.
Bartlet
[shakes his head] But everybody wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face.
[amazed] I don't know how you... I don't know what the word... I don't know how you do it.
Bartlet
You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [rises to his feet] Sam. You're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [looks at the board] Checkmate.
BBartlet
Now it's a party.
Your breasts are magnificent.
Oh. Um... thank you, John.
May I inquire, Mr. President – the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts?
BBartlet
You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
Do you like these earrings?
BBartlet
[without looking] I do.
You want to look at them first?
BBartlet
[still not looking] Are they new?
BBartlet
[still not looking] You've worn them?
BBartlet
[working a crossword puzzle] I love them. "Laissez-faire doctrine." 15 letters.
BBartlet
No, that's not the answer. See, 'cause Social Darwinism isn't a doctrine. It's a force of nature. The answer is "libertarianism."
I'm gonna be ready in two minutes.
Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster.
BBartlet
Boo boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late 70's. Plus, it's your birthday. You're old, and you don't move around that fast.
Libertarianism has 14 letters not 15.
BBartlet
I know, so I'm shading in the extra box.
And it's not my birthday.
BBartlet
It's your birthday week. It's a week of festivities like Mardi Gras or Lent. Three letters. "It may be bitter." "Tea," right?
BBartlet
'Cause "woman" doesn't fit.
"End," you idiot. "Bitter end."
Bartlet
I've been meaning to tell you, you've done really well this week with the open-mike thing.
Bartlet
Didn't turn out too bad.
No sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all. In fact, the whole country's talking about whether Ritchie's smart enough to be President. And you didn't take a hit, 'cause it was an accident. You know, it occurs to me that even your choice of language was interesting. "A .22 caliber mind, in a .357 magnum world." That's unusual for you, a gun metaphor. Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over, all the interviewers wanted to talk to you about was Ritchie, and you took a pass each time. Until Philadelphia.
[Bartlet slowly looks up at her.]
Mr. President, is it possible you saw that the green light was on?
...
[smiles] That was Old School.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
