The Venture Bros. Season 2 quotes

(knocks over a tiny statue of himself) Damnation! Forcefield, I didn't see that one coming! Sorry, Dean. Okay, okay! New plan...

Hank

(points at statue) Well, you just KO'd Uncle Sam! Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom?

That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Wouldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't. I can only move things in the material world that bear my image. Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean! I was able to get that through the forcefield! That's it!

Hank

We build a gun made out of pennies!

Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane! But I have another idea! Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them, 10 score at least!

Dean

How are we gonna find that many.

Hank

How, how. What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!

For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!

Hank

Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones.

I... prefer the new ones? But, whatever! Go! Go!!

Oh, FDR. He was a real president. I loved to watch him sleep. Weight of the world on his little polio shoulders. The depression. World War II. He slept like a baby. Now that is a clear conscience. This Breyer guy, though, he's the worst president I've ever seen!

My Lincoln sense is tingling! Manstrong's making his move!

Svengali!

Brock

No, no, this is not what it looks like!

First Anna, and now my mother? Have you no shame, you... you Mandingo? (takes of blazer and gets into fighting stance) Okay, get up! Were doing this! You and me, Samson! Right now! Let's go!

Brock

Come on, man. You know I'm just gonna beat you stupid. I've done it before.

A sucker punch! This time, "schoolyard rules." No cheap shots!

Brock

This is ridiculous! Your mother just...

No mothers!

(diving at Manstrong) Here comes the Rail-Splitter!!

(after getting shot in the head by Mrs. Manstrong) AHHH! DAMMIT!! NOT AGAIN!!! WHY IN THE HEAD???

Doctor Venture

(seeing replay of crashing Gargantua-1) I knew it! Told you this clown was no hero. He just blacked out in the middle of a hand job.

Uh oh.... Someone's playing with his Lincoln Log!

MY GOD IT'S FULL OF STARS!! (passes out)

Penny for his thoughts.

Dean

(to the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln) You're still here. Shouldn't you have crossed over?

Apparently stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator just isn't enough to get you into Heaven these days. Go figure.

You're one to judge, Rusty... I seem to remember a certain fast-handed little red-head, sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom, score and a half years back?

All right...

(sing-song) Not that you did much sleeping.

(covers ears) Okay!

The Monarch

(evil laughter, grabs an office worker) Where is he?! WHERE IS VENTURE?!

Venture?

Dude, no, stop!! There's been a mistake!

The Monarch

Oh, what now?!

This isn't the secret Venture compound. It's your accountant's office.

The Monarch

Wha... Are you kidding?? That was like my best entrance ever!!

Yeah, it was excellent!

Very impressive!

The Monarch

This sucks! (calls to other henchmen) Alright. Wrong address, wrong address. Everybody back in the cocoon!

So, uh... Should we, uh...

The Monarch

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take the pens, and the post-its, and the, uh, copy paper! You always need copy paper. And get that security tape!! I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance posted on my homepage BY TOMORROW!!

Dr. Orpheus

I must consort a higher power!! Wait here while I go to my daughter's closet.

Forgive me, but the problem is one of planning, not one of armament. Mr. The Monarch already has a dazzling armory. What he needs is a strategist. A man of his prestige cannot simply go after an enemy all willy-nilly.

You can't give an enema a free willy what?

The Monarch

Shut up, 21. You might learn something from this guy.

What you need is a second-in-command who understands the intricacies of organized villiany. This I can offer you.

The Monarch

Perfect! You're hired, uh... number...

Number Killinger. Doctor Henry Killinger. And this is my Magic Murder Bag.

Brock

Hey, have you seen the boys? They were supposed to be practicing for their road test but it looks like they forgot the car part. What, uh... what are you guys, uh... into there?

Orpheus is making me follow that magic head thing I told you about.

Dr. Orpheus

We're very close to divining its will!!

Brock

Aww, he's got you doin' it now. You guys are cute together. I'm going to go look for the boys. (to himself) Story of my life.

Dr. Orpheus

It stopped! It seems interested in this automobile. Tell me, is it associated with some recent sin of yours?

Pfft. I wish. I can't remember the last time I got lucky in that car. Unless you count the dollar I found under the seat.

The Venture problem is very volatile. We must approach it with caution, but first we need to address other drastic issues. The floating cocoon is in bad need of...

The cocoon's fine! I think the problem is you!

He's right! Yeah, everybody just thinks you're sooo great, but you're just sooo not!

Yeah! Who do you think you are?

I mean, come on! This guy just waltzes in here with his huge baby-bearing hips and he starts changing everything.

That's not fair. I never chose my figure.

Oh, that's right! Come on in! Don't knock or anything. After all, I only live in a cocoon with 80 guys and no women. So there's NO chance I'd be masturbating...