[Brock has just had an unfortunate run-in with Hauser, a member of the Secret Service]
Friend of yours?
We were in 'Nam together.
Oh. Wait, you were like 10 during Vietnam.
Well, I didn't say during the war.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Colonel Bud Manstrong, a man of bravery, integrity, an indominable spirit of--
MMrs. Manstrong
Oh, quit blowing smoke up the boy's ass, Breyer! We all know the real reason Bud's here. Your administration is in the crapper, and you need Mrs. Manstrong's little Boy Scout on the team to polish that turd.
Hey, Bud! Or is it Budley? Budward? What's Bud short for?
Nothing. It's just Bud.
How'd you like to be Vice-President?
Me?!
Hell yeah, you! Who'd do think I'm talking about; you're a genuine hero, boy. The Bureau can't find a damn thing on you, and plus, you're a little bit of the eye candy for the ladies. Speakin' of which...(opens door) take a pick.
I'm...not sure I follow you, Sir.
Any of my secretarial staff, 'cept the one in the blue dress that smells like this!
(Holds his finger up to Bud's nose)
Oh, dear lord!
(laughs) That's Phyllis — got my name written all over her...literally! I once wrote my name on the front of her dress with the tip of my...
OH NO! I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this! Good evening, sir!
(Walks out of the office)
(into intercom) Uh, Cass, I'll take that blowjob now.
Dude, what is your damage?
I saw something! I think this place is... haunted!
Aw, you're just being superstitious.
I am not! Just extra-stitious.
Oh, come on, Brock! This might be five minutes! I've been practicing my pitch all week!
(scoffs) You just have no clue, do you? These aren't a bunch of fake pirates or dicks in rubber butterfly suits, Doc. We're talking about the United States Secret Service.
Please, we'll both be off the hook when he feasts his eyes on what I've got to offer. The thing sells itself! If it doesn't I can't afford to pay you this month.
You don't pay me.
[Hauser is about to shoot the portable forcefield generator to shut it off]
I wouldn't do that. They're nuclear batteries.
Nuke-a-lar?
Well, that's not actually a word, but yes.
LSLincoln's Ghost
Venture Brothers!
(screams)
LSLincoln's Ghost
You must help me! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!
Hank! Wake up! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!
(waking up) Who?
LSLincoln's Ghost
Microchip! Microchip! It's in the back of his head! His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the president!
It just sounds a little far-fetched.
Yeah, thank you, I'm glad you said it.
LSLincoln's Ghost
Didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel? Come on, I've been dead for seven score years and even I—
Who is this guy?
LSLincoln's Ghost
Abraham Lincoln! Sixteenth president of the United States! Come on, you're kidding me!
Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed?
LSLincoln's Ghost
All right. All right, how 'bout this? I'm the five dollar bill guy.
You invented the five dollar bill?
LSLincoln's Ghost
Yes, Hank. (shaking his head in resignation) Yes, I did. Dean, you seem to be a little more on the ball here. Help me stop Manstrong.
Why do you need us?
LSLincoln's Ghost
Because I'm immaterial. Look at this. (Passes arm through Hank and Dean.) It's a no go! I need to possess one of your bodies. Just for a little while. Until I can stop him. Will one of you do that for me? For the Union?
Not it!
Not it!
OnetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenJINX! You owe me a coke!
Aww.
(Dean, possessed by the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, tries to kiss Hank.)
Eww!
(Hank slaps Dean, knocking Lincoln out of him and onto the floor.)
Dude, what the dilly?!
Did it work? What happened?
Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.
LSLincoln's Ghost
Sorry! Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It was just a bit overwhelming to have a body again. All those hormones. Whoo! (Stands up.) Right. Just let me try this again. I'm ready for it this time. (Begins to step into Dean.) Who's Triana, by the way?
Ah! Just get in!
(Lincoln steps into Dean's body.)
And no funny business!
LSLincoln's Ghost
Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.
Dean!
HHauser
(to Brock) Nice one. Everything you touch turns to suck. It's official.
Oh, no, they called my brother? Could this be any more embarrassing? (mockingly to Dr. Venture, Jr. through the forcefield) Yeah, all right, hi! I see you! Go to hell!
JVJonas Venture, Jr.
What are you trying to do there, Dean?
We're helping our new ghost pal!
GMGeneral Manhowers
Heh! Now ain't that somethin'? I wish my boy had that kinda creativity!
Col. Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!
It's not really his fault though. His mom's controlling him!
GMGeneral Manhowers
Don't give me that psycho-babble, son! After a certain age, a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions!
Um... Okay.
GMGeneral Manhowers
Sure, maybe if I hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment, but dammit! Sometimes they're just bad apples!!
LSLincoln's Ghost
(knocks over a tiny statue of himself) Damnation! Forcefield, I didn't see that one coming! Sorry, Dean. Okay, okay! New plan...
(points at statue) Well, you just KO'd Uncle Sam! Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom?
LSLincoln's Ghost
That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Wouldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't. I can only move things in the material world that bear my image. Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean! I was able to get that through the forcefield! That's it!
We build a gun made out of pennies!
LSLincoln's Ghost
Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane! But I have another idea! Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them, 10 score at least!
How are we gonna find that many.
How, how. What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!
GAGhost of Abraham Lincoln
For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!
Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones.
LSLincoln's Ghost
I... prefer the new ones? But, whatever! Go! Go!!
LSLincoln's Ghost
Oh, FDR. He was a real president. I loved to watch him sleep. Weight of the world on his little polio shoulders. The depression. World War II. He slept like a baby. Now that is a clear conscience. This Breyer guy, though, he's the worst president I've ever seen!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.