TV show quotes
Control, delay order. We've lost full containment. I repeat, delay order.
Copy on delay. We are on standby.
Knew it.
I thought you went to the can.
I did. I'm back.
That was, like, ten seconds ago. What, are you pissing in the corner?
(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mech-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)
Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!
Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Objection, your honor, leading.
I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?
No sir, I don't think so.
Yes you are!
You're the liar!
And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.
(he pulls out the Necronomicon. Dr. Venture slaps himself on the head)
Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
I SWEAR IT!
Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
(imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.
You're on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell no, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...
Peers?
(cont'd) ...to decide this.
PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.
This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.
(flashback to The Monarch's floating cocoon)
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
A book?
No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'
Told you!
You told me he wouldn't find out.
You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!
(still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!
(examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?
(momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.
(back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...
That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!
Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.
Okay, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.
Oh you are insane!
I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.
That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.
Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!
Let me see that, I don't remember...
And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!
All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?
Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!
I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.
You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!
Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.
You can't expect to know everybody.
No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
We gotta warn Pop!
No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
It's weird, right?
It's like he channels dead crazy people.
You think it's a cry for help?
So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin'. Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?
If it would please the court...
Objection1 No way!
Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.
Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!
I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.
Hug me!
Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.
(drunkenly addressing a big, muscular cop in a tight uniform) Listen, Officer Poncherello... my second in command just left me. So why don't you put your fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home?? This is none of your beeswax!!
Dr. Venture is rushed to the hospital to have a tumor removed, but the boys mistake his ailment for a pregnancy and decide to run away. After the operation, strange things begin to happen, including the accidental deaths of Hank and Dean Venture.
Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?
We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.
Did you try the cellular phone?
Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...
Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?
Not yet.
Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?
Yes.
Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?
We tried, but..
Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?
Yep.
Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?
No.
Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?
Check!
Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!
Who wants PIZZA ROLLS?
I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...
Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
