Doctor Thaddeus Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

"Jonas Venture"

I took the form of your dad because I figured it would be easier to accept. I didn't want to stress you out—end of the world, life on other planets, blah blah blah.

Why...you SON-OF-A-BITCH! Do you know what you just put me through?! What the fuck were you thinking?! What kind of fucked-up planet are you from, where you think showing up as my dead fucking father is supposed to make me feel any better?!

"Jonas Venture"

Okay, take it easy...

You prick!

"Jonas Venture"

Look, I just saved your entire planet...

Prick!

"Jonas Venture"

Alright, fine, you wanna see? Here! (Peels off his face, revealing his true self, which is shown offscreen, but horrifies everyone else) There! That would have been better? If I showed up like that out of nowhere? Look at you! You practically crapped your pants! Except him, he crapped his pants! (points to Ned)

Boom boom.

Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.

Brock

What'd you find? Are you okay?

Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Brock

Yeah, Doc, you're uh... gonna be disappointed there...

Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?

Brock

Nah, I'm cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.

Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.

Brock

Yeah, that's it.

(about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing forever. Honestly, this nonsense happens once a week. I'm not gonna... Why are you naked?

Brock

To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.

Alright, now you're scaring me. What's going on?

Brock

I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it's The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what'd you do?

Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?

Brock

We might not win this one. You get to the panic room!

Okay. Just let me finish peeing on myself...

(weak from blood loss) If you don't come save me, I'm going to fire you Brock.

Brock

(over the radio) You gotta try to hold on, Doc! I'll be back soon!

Brock... You're fired...

(about Billy's hand) How'd that happen anyway?

That's an excellent question. I have no idea.

Really?

No, I'm joking. But seriously, don't lift anything for a while... because your arm could fall off.

Henry Alan Venture! Are you hearing this? What do you have to say for yourself?

Hank

(in a low voice) I am the Bat.

Yes, yes, you're "The Bat!" And the Bat is the reason we didn't take best costume, mister, again! Last year it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and "The Bat!" Oh and how about the time we were the hard rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and the Bat?!

Hank

The night is mine!

Sell it somewhere else, Hank. It's not me you should be apologizing to. Poor Brock spent a month sewing his group theme appropriate costume.

Hank

(normal voice) That's probably why he won best costume.

What, is that sass I hear? (sarcastically) Oh, look everybody! Hank's back!

Lock down auxiliary power!

Brock

Gotta make it to the border!!

Chewie, lock down auxiliary power!

Minefield, minefield!

Brock

I SEE IT!!

Dean Venture

Everybody into the black box! It's indestructible!

Yeah, pretty sure my scoliosis is going the other way now.

Hank

My butt won't stop making a fist!

Dean

At least you have one.

You're blessed with your father's ass, Dean. Learn to love stadium cushions. I told you to lock down...

Brock

We don't have auxiliary power!!!

Hank

Brock! Questioning?

Brock

That's the one.

Hank

(grabs the guard) WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? (guard spins and locks Hank) Ow!

Brock

We know that part, Hank. Like this. (grabs guard's groin, guard screams in pain) Where's the wedding be held? Talk!

Go ahead! The pain will be nothing compared to what the master will do to me if I betray him! (Brock clenches tighter, screams more) This is still nothing compared to what the master... (Brock appears shocked) What?

Brock

...Nothin'.

No, what?

Brock

I, uh... I don't- I don't know how to tell you this but I... feel a, uh... a lump.

Are you serious?

Brock

Yeah... I'm so sorry, man.

Oh. Oh god. Ooooh god.

Brock

Yeah, I just feel awful...

How do you think I feel?

Brock

Yeah, yeah, maybe uh... we should uh...

I... I must go to my wife.

Brock

Yeah, yeah. You should do that. (Venture points in the opposite direction) Hey, uh, I know it's a bad time to ask and all but...

The wedding. Yeah. Yeah, fine. I don't care anymore. It's in the observatory, on a flight up, through this door. (Hank moves behind guard and gives him a wedgie)

HANK!!

Hank

Well I didn't get to do anything!!

(gasps) Who are you?

Hank

The Wallflower! So we meet again!!

Brock

Nah, nah, the Wallflower had that thing on his head...

Lamest. Villain. Ever.

Brock

Hank, no! It's suicide!

Hank

Well then I'll see you in Heck! (runs screaming down hall)

(sarcastically) Thank goodness, Hank's going to save us all. (glances at Brock) Oh, what are you so worried about? I can make another one. Hey, maybe he'll surprise us! He does get that kind of retard strength when he's all worked up.

So you share a lair with Dr. Orpheus?

Hardly. He rents an apartment from me.

I can't believe that we are standing in the same conference room the Treaty of Tolerance was signed in!

Yes. So cool. Your father is a legend at the Guild.

Yeah, legend! He's responsible for stealing my father's leg!

Don't start me! The REAL Dr. Venture was the reason I got into this business!

Hey, just keep the nuts away from my lab. Because I have some pretty impressive things going on in there.

(to Ward, still snickering) No, shut up. Oh yeah, we'll do our best to keep them away from your...

(still snickering) Impressive...

Yeah, impressive stuff.

You better! Where's Mr. Magic? How come the prom queen isn't here to crown his king?

He's astral projecting, I think.

Showoff...

To assemble his team.

A team? You mean he was approved as a team? What a wuss! (starts chuckling, then stops)

(fakes clearing his throat) Jealous!