Niles quotes from The Nanny

Fran

Maggie, who does Ms. Babcock hate more, me or Niles?

Maggie

Whoa! God, this is hard. She hates both your guts.

Fran

Yeah, but I make her nauseous.

Niles

I make her drink.

C. C.

What do I have to do to please anyone around this house?!

[Warningly] Niles...

Niles

But, sir. Fish gotta swim.

Maxwell

Control yourself, man.

Niles

Very well, sir. [as C.C laughs] Lemon? [Squeezes lemon into C.C's eye]

If we've got Jack, we got a success. I'll bet my reputation on it!

Niles

Oh, I'm sorry, there's a $5 minimum.

Niles

AHH!

Nanny Fine, you're alone with the kid for two minutes and he wants to quit show business?!

Niles

If only we could put her in a room with Tori Spelling.

I could kill you. I could rip out your heart with my bare hands!

Fran

...She doesn't have a key to the house, does she? Oh, Mr. Sheffield, maybe it's all for the best.

No, it is not all for the best, Miss Fine; it is not all for the best at all!

Fran

But you yourself said that the kid was a pain in the butt!

Alright, Miss Fine, let me see if you can follow this, hmm? Sky: blue! Fire: hot. Actor: pain in the butt! You are going to rectify this situation.

Fran

Wow, that sounds painful...

You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing, take him to the best restaurant in town and order the most expensive thing on the menu!

Fran

Well, all right. But I'm not taking the limo!

Oh, yes, you are!

Fran

Slave driver! [Leaves and returns] But there is no way you are buying me a new dress!

Oh yes— [Realizes what's going on] GET OUT!

Fran

Niles, did my mother call?

Niles

Well, I'm not sure. There was one call. A sob, a sigh and a long plaintive "oooooooyyyy."

Fran

Either that's her or AT&T is really depressed that we switched to Sprint. I can't believe she would stoop to prank guilt calls.

Niles

How low can she go?

Fran

You're talking about a woman who can grow a tumor on command.

Niles

This should be quite a dinner. Miss Fine not speaking to her mother, Miss Margaret not speaking to you. That'll leave the bulk of the conversation to you and Sylvia.

Oh, God.

Niles

Oh, sir, it won't be that bad. You'll tell her how you got started in theater and she'll tell you how she removes unwanted hair.

Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?

Niles

[To C.C.] Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.

C. C.

Niles, pour me some more tea. [Niles ignores her and continues chopping vegetables] I want some more tea, Niles. [Niles continues to ignore her.] You are a butler, now buttle!

Niles

Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?

You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile, now pour!!

C.C.!

Maxwell!

Don't speak to Niles like that; poor man isn't a mind-reader!

But... But, Maxwell—!

Niles

Oh, it's alright, sir. Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was. Forgive me.

Niles

Oh dear. That was the last apple.

Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?

Niles

Well, yes, sir, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it and now it's too late. It was right there in front of me. If only I snatched it up when I had the chance, I wouldn't have this aching hunger.

Good God, man, have a bloody pear!

Niles

Oh dear. That was the last pear.

Fran

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?

Niles

Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.

Fran

You snooze, you lose.

Fran

Alright while your here, do you think I should take this back [holds up a sparkly top, not noticing that she isn't wearing a shirt]

Uh, I think you should put it on...

Fran

No, I already had it on, it flattens out my br-. [notices she's in her bra and screams] Mr. Sheffield! Why didn't you say anything?!

Well, I uh...I didn't notice!

Fran

You didn't- you know now I'm beginning to wonder about you to! [gets stuck in her shirt] Oh I can't get it on, I'm stuck, help me.

Oh, relax Miss Fine we'll get it on [Niles walks by and stares with shock as Maxwell tries to take her shirt off]

Fran

Oh Mr. Sheffield I'm so hot!

I can't do this standing up, just...just get on the bed! [sits her down on the bed and sits on top of her]

[ gets it off and she falls on the bed, his mouth falls open in shock as he looks up and sees Niles, Fran notices too]

Niles

...If you let me tell Miss Babcock about this, I'll work free for a year.

[walks in the kitchen, Niles is writing something] Well, I couldn't be happier that Nanny Fine finally found a man. Oh, what are looking so smug about?

Niles

Oh, just an incident in Miss Fine's room last night.

With her and Kurt?

Niles

No, with her and another man.

Ooo, I love it. Tell me, tell me!

Niles

Oh no, I couldn't possibly. I swore I wouldn't say a word. [rips off a note] Read this.

[reads the note] ...WHY?! [her head falls down on the counter] I wanna die!

Niles

There, there, [puts a knife into her purse} now don't do anything rash... [Maxwell walks in]

Hello C.C.

You animal! [walks out]

Niles?!

Niles

[innocently] Sir?

You didn't say anything to Miss Babcock about last night, did you?

Niles

[innocently] No, you told me not to.

(looking closely at a picture) Aha, just as i thought, Kurt's teeth are capped.

What?

I'm not making it up, look, look you can see the little ridges. (holds the picture to her face)

Maxwell, what is wrong with you today? If you're not gonna pay any attention to me, i might as well just go home.

Niles

(opens the window and wistles) TAXI?

C. C.

What did I do?

Fran

Ms. Babcock, your coat. New Zealand Lamb?

So?

Fran

Maybe she had people there?!

Take. It. Off.

Niles

Three words she doesn't hear often. [Niles & Lamb Chop fist-pump together]

Niles, isn't that sweet? You're bonding with the sheep. Not the first one, I'm sure.

Niles

Bravo. You win. Every dog has her day.

Niles

Incoming! [Holds open the door for Shari while still holding a laundry basket]

Thank you very much, Niles.

Niles

Mmm-hmm.

Oof! [Opens the door, holding her head] Didn't you see me?!

Niles

What's your point?

Fran

Well, I said it. I knew you'd find some way to blame it all on me.

Niles

[eavesdropping, from outside] Yes, she did, sir.

Fran

But I've got a plan.

Niles

Yes, she does, sir.

Fran

And as you know, my plans never fail.

Niles

[bursts into laughter]