Niles quotes from The Nanny

Fran

I'm gonna be canned for sure.

Niles

Ms. Fine, you spend so much time up this creek, I should think by now you'd have bought a paddle.

Fran

I just saw Mr Sheffield naked, it was horrible!

Niles

I keep telling him to get to the gym.

Niles, have you seen my yellow notepad with all my notes on it?

Niles

Not recently, sir. Where did you have it last?

Why do people always ask that? If I remembered where I had it last, I'd go there and get it, not bother you about it, wouldn't I? [remembers] Mantle. I was pacing, and I left it on the–[walks to the fireplace mantle, finding his notepad] Niles, you're a genius.

Niles

Honored to be the wind beneath your wings, sir.

Fran

It's like my mother always says—

Niles

"You can freeze anything"?

Fran

No.

"Why buy Sweet'N Low when restaurants are giving it away"?

Fran

No.

"Seven cans of tuna fish count as one in the express line"?

Fran

No. My mother always said: "Blood is thicker than water. And you can wash them both off of plastic slip covers".

I don't know how C.C. can be so insensitive.

Niles

Oh, sir, the woman would invite the Clintons to go whitewater rafting.

Careful old man. [talking about Niles dropping a pan]

Niles

Oh yes sir you see, i should have used my ovenmitt, instead of this somewat inferior substitution, but i didn't realize i wanted my ovenmitt until i saw them together, then i realised that of course my ovenmitt was exactly what i wanted and goodness gracious it was under my nose the entire time. [looks at Mr Sheffield to see if he got it]

Good, glad you found it.

Fran

Do I sound like I'm coming down with a cold?

Niles

Constantly.

Fran

Does anybody know what today is?

Niles

Another one of your colorful holidays involving plagues?

Niles

Think back, sir. One year ago today, someone's spiked heel dug its first gibbet into the parquet floor.

Weren't you going to get that fixed?

Niles

Come closer. One year to the day since we first learned: "If it ain't half-off, it ain't on sale."

C.C., maybe you can help shed some light on this. I mean, you're a woman.

Niles

I'm still waiting for the DNA results, sir.

Maybe I can pick something up at Bloomingdales. [about buying flowers for Fran]

But Maxwell, we have to get to the airport, you're not gonna miss this ceremony, I can't walk down the aisle alone!

Niles

I say prepare for the inevitable. [slams door in C.C.'s face as she turns around angry]

C. C.

Before Nanny Fine, we didn't have to step foot into a place like this.

C.C. girlfriend, gotcha again huh?

You must have me confused with someone else. (to Mr. Sheffield) I have never seen her before in my life.

Oh, is that your game? That's cool, just stay off of 2nd Avenue, Leon is looking for you.

Maxwell, I swear!

Niles

[to the hooker]: Here you go. (gives the hooker money)

That good for you?

Niles

Oh, it was wonderful. I could do it again and again.

I KNEW IT! I knew she had no talent!

People will be walking off in the middle of her performance.

Niles

Just like one of your dates.

Maggie

Wow, Fran, you look so hot in that dress!

Fran

Uh-oh, I'm supposed to look like Ms. Babcock. I tried to dress conservatively. Niles, can you picture Ms. Babcock in this dress?

Niles

Not if I ever want to function as a man again.

Fran

Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Ms. Babcock. Help me get into character. Hit me with your best shot.

Niles

Oh, no, Ms. Fine. I couldn't possibly.

Fran

C'mon! Hello, hello, I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work.

Niles

In your usual corner? [Stops] I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. Don't make me do this.

Fran

I'm Ms. Babcock and I'm off to get money from a man.

Niles

Don't forget your change belt. [Stops again] I hate myself... Do it again.

Fran

No, I have to go.

Niles

Oh, c'mon, one more, I'm hot!

Fran

All right and I'll make this one easy. Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired.

Niles

[Thinks hard]

Fran

C'mon... I don't hear anything... Niles, get a life. [Leaves]

Niles

I got it! I got it! [Opens the door and shouts] I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl! [Apologetically] Officer.