Niles quotes from The Nanny

Fran

Niles, look at the cake for my friend Mona's retirement party.

Niles

It's beautiful.

Fran

It's plaster of Paris.

Niles

Why would anyone buy a fake cake?

Fran

Because I'm gonna take it out of the box, they're all gonna ooh and aah and then say: "No thanks, I'm on a diet". This way, I can use it again plus I can carry it on the bus [under my arm].

Niles

You do know there's a piece broken off the side?

Fran

I know. I had it at my mother's not ten minutes. She said it's dry but if you dunk it in Sanka, it's delish.

C. C.

[Sees Maxwell and Fran in bed] AHHHHHHH!!!!

[jolted awake] C.C.? What the devil are you doing in here?

What am I doing in here?? Wh-what is...SHE doing in here?!

[Sees he's in bed with a woman] Oh...[Looks to see who it is] Ahh! Ms. Fine!

Fran

[Stirs awake, looks at Maxwell sleepily] Oh, I'm having that dream again...[Reaches out and touches Maxwell's cheek, realizes it's actually him] AHH! MR. SHEFFIELD! [Gathers the bedsheets around herself while scrambling out of the bed] WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN–[Looks around] your room?

Niles

[To a wide-eyed, shocked C.C.] Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you.

WOULD YOU ALL KINDLY GET OUT OF MY ROOM?!

Niles

[Follows a still shocked C.C. out] Happy Birthday, Ms. Babcock...

I want to take care of you for the rest of your life.... It would give me great pleasure if you would...

Fran

[Excited] Yeah? Yeah?!!

...let me buy you a condominium.

Fran

Huh?

For your retirement.

Fran

A condo?! That's what you want to give me for my future?!! I have never been so— Would it include carpet and plantation shutters?

Yes, of course.

Fran

Pets okay? 'Cause I probably want a cat.

Whatever you want. So... happy?

Fran

[Strangely satisfied] Yeah.

Niles

[Overhearing, shaking his head] Oy! This is gonna take forever.

C. C.

Niles. My eggs are all dried up.

Niles

The gene pool is safe.

C.C., tell me, did you have one of these "Sweet 16's"?

Oh, please, all those little snot noses trying to outdo each other! I didn't want one.

Fran

No friends?

Niles

None.

C. C.

(pushing Brighton past Mr. Sheffield's office) Ask yourself punk, do you feel lucky?

What's all that about?

Niles

Oh, the expert is teaching Brighton how to repel a man.

Where is Ms. Fine anyway?

Niles

She's upstairs getting all farpitzed.

What does that mean?

Niles

You know, dressed.

I thought that was farblondzshet.

Niles

No, sir, that means confused.

No, man, that's farkakteh.

Niles

Well then, what's farshimlt?

I think that's her uncle.

So, tell me, Rochester. What'd you do to kill a day before I came along?

Niles

Well, truth be told, my life was a little empty...[Gives a smirk to C.C] But now I have a hobby.

I loathe you.

Niles

I despise you.

Servant.

Niles

Trollop.

Bellboy.

Niles

Brunette.

Maxwell, Fanny Nine. [Niles opens the door for her] Swine.

Niles

Chicken. [Closes the door]

Fran

I felt just like my mother when I told her I lost my virgin... [Sees Grace] Airline tickets.

Grace

Did they give you another one?

Fran

No, honey. When you lose that ticket, it's non-refundable.

Niles

Unless you get engaged to Prince Charles, then it miraculously reappears.

Niles

But Val meant, Danny her ex-fiance (the three children gasp)

Maggie

You lie?

Niles

As if

Just spare me the details.

Niles

Alright, but it's about Danny and Heather Biblow.

Maxwell

Alright, come on, dish!

Niles

Well, you didn't hear it from me, but Heather wants Val out of the bridal shop so Danny fired her.

Maxwell

He didn't!

Niles

He did.

Maxwell, I can not tell you how exited I am about our little weekend...[sprays perfume on her] getaway...[sprays more perfume] to Boston. [sprays more perfume]

Its a business trip C.C

Of course I know that. Work work work. In fact, I'm on my way to get a wax-I mean fax.

Niles

Don't worry sir you'll be near Salem, they know how to take care of her kind there.

Niles you don't think C.C wants to go to Boston to um...you know.

Niles

Shout the British are coming?

Hang up man I'm not going through with it

Niles

Oh you stupid fool

What a rotten thing to do dragging Miss Fine in the middle of all this, Poor thing has a crush on me as it is.

Niles

Oh she does, does she?

Oh come on man, wouldn't you?

Niles

Yes well you've always been the sunshine of my life.

Oh I don't know Niles, Maybe I'm making too much of all this, I mean surely she must realize I just blurted it out in the heat of the moment, Yea she couldn't have possibly have taken me seriously.

I just can't understand why we're not as productive as we were last year. Profits are down, ticket sales are down...

Niles

[Looking at C.C.] But some figures are increasing.

C. C.

Listen, Hazel (laughs) Don't you have anything to dust off?

Niles

How about the left side of your bed?

Fran

(looking at picture of her ex-boyfriend, Danny's newborn baby) Oh, I'm so jealous!

Niles

(grabs picture from Fran) Miss Fine, I can't see why this picture makes you yearn for a child. I could see a Lhasa Apso...