Teresa Lisbon quotes from The Mentalist

Patrick Jane

Hello Lisbon. What a great day to not be blown up.

Teresa Lisbon

Give it up now.

Patrick Jane

What?

Teresa Lisbon

What you took from Bajoran's house.

Teresa Lisbon

The toupee, Jane, the housekeeper called.

Patrick Jane

Oh.

Teresa Lisbon

That's just gross! Why would you take it?

Patrick Jane

Evidence.

Teresa Lisbon

Of what?

Patrick Jane

Bad taste.

Walter Mashburn

I do! How do you know?

Patrick Jane

Pupil dilation.

Teresa Lisbon

Pupil dilation?!

Patrick Jane

Yes. When someone see something that they want, their pupils dilate.

Walter Mashburn

Pupil dilation... [stares at Lisbon] It's fantastic!

Patrick Jane

[glances at Mashburn's eyes, then at Lisbon's] Yes, it is. [Lisbon smiles]

Teresa Lisbon

What about you, Walter? Last year you said you'd do anything for a thrill.

Walter Mashburn

What do you have in mind?

Teresa Lisbon

Get down!

Patrick Jane

Thrilling enough for you, Walter?

Walter Mashburn

But if it was him, wouldn't he have hired better assassins?

Teresa Lisbon

Okay, is there anybody else who might want to kill you?

Walter Mashburn

I have lots of enemies, Teresa. You know, you'd be surprised to hear this, but some people find me annoying.

Walter Mashburn

So my friends say because you saved me that means you own me.

Teresa Lisbon

They have a return policy?

Walter Mashburn

I upset you?

Teresa Lisbon

Upset me? No. Irritate me a litte? Maybe.

Walter Mashburn

Why?

Teresa Lisbon

You're egotistical. You're arrogant. You're entitled and rich.

Walter Mashburn

When do you get to the bad stuff?

Walter Mashburn

Can't believe I'm a one night stand for Dirty Harry.

Teresa Lisbon

Yeah, well, I'd leave you cab fare, but you've probably got that covered.

Lisbon

You're looking a little creaky.

Jane

Yeah, a cattle prod will do that to you.

Lisbon

The doctor says there's no lasting effects.

Jane

Well, that doctor should try it himself sometime. [watches as Lisbon smiles] That was a big smile.

Lisbon

Of course I'm glad you're back. I'm also glad we solved one without you.

Jane

You were kidnapped and delivered to me. That counts as solving one?

Lisbon

Hightower and the team found us.

Jane

But if I hadn't held off Rachel, they would have found us dead in a burned out house.

Lisbon

Oh, you held off Rachel?

Jane

Yes.

Lisbon

Where's my apple?

Jane

Your what?

Lisbon

My apple. I asked you to get me an apple.

Jane

I come through the valley of death and all you can think about is your stomach. A piece of fruit.

Lisbon

That's right.

Jane

An apple.

Lisbon

Yes.

Jane

That's just plain selfish.

Lisbon

Selfish. Me: selfish.

Jane

Yes, it is. You're on my couch. I'm trying to have a cup of tea. Have you finished? You called me creaky. I've been cattle prodded all week. I just want to have a rest and a cup of tea and a little sleep.

Lisbon

[sigh] Oh, I wish I had a cattle prod.

Rest assured, I won't be pulling any vigilante nonsense.

Lisbon

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you see it that way. There's no upside to taking the law into your own hands. Revenge truly doesn't work.

Jane

Well that's just a sweeping statement, isn't it? I'm sure we can all think of examples where revenge has worked splendidly.

Lisbon

Thanks for your input.

Jane

Just saying.

Lisbon

Examples where revenge worked splendidly. Nice.

Jane

I was just teasing. A little hypocritical to lecture him on revenge, don't you think?

Lisbon

How's that?

Jane

Uh, all these years you've been helping me seek revenge?

Lisbon

Well that's different.

Jane

How's that?

Lisbon

I'm in control of the situation.

Jane

Oh, really.

Jane

What do you mean, "you're in control of the situation"?

Lisbon

When the day comes when we find Red John, I'm gonna be there to stop you from doing anything foolish. We're gonna put him in front of a judge and a jury.

Jane

You really believe that?

Lisbon

Yes, I do.

Jane

Really? I just assumed you took that judge and jury stuff with a grain of salt.

Lisbon

Well, you assumed wrong. No salt.

Jane

You know the reality will be different. Red John is mine, and I will exact my revenge on him.

Lisbon

I think when the time comes, you'll see that violence is not the answer.

Jane

I had no idea your naïve idealism was so deeply felt.

Lisbon

[activates an automatic dancing toy Santa] I can't believe people buy this crap.

Jane

I sense a Christmas speech coming on.

Lisbon

No, I just think people can celebrate a holy day without lying to children about a magical fat guy with a sack full of toys.

Jane

So you took the whole Santa revelation badly, huh?

Lisbon

It crushed my heart like a cigarette.

Jane

That explains why you're still looking for magic in your life.

Lisbon

LaRoche is looking for you.

Jane

Well, tell him I wish him luck.

Lisbon

Mr. Lima, put your hands on your head where I can see 'em.

Jane

Mr. Mitchell left the ICU yesterday. But I'll be glad to pass on your best wishes.

Whatever. You got nothing. That notebook shorthand crap won't fly in court.

Jane

True enough. I happened to write that notebook shorthand crap myself.

Jane

A decision science consultant?

Lisbon

Don't start. This is way above us. If we're good to the feds, the feds will be good to us. When in doubt, don't act out.

Jane

You just made a rhyme. When are we ever in doubt?

Lisbon

Seriously, you start trouble and I will --

Jane

Burst my bubble?