Teresa Lisbon quotes from The Mentalist

Agent, I'm not opposed to extending a professional courtesy, but your man ignored a reasonable request from my officer and fled.

Lisbon

And he will pay the ticket.

Jane

Nah. Speed traps: legalized extortion. If you want people to slow down, park out in the open where they can see you, but no. You lay in wait like thieves in the night.

Lisbon

He will pay the ticket today.

Jane

I'm not going to pay it.

Lisbon

Jane.

Jane

I'm not going to pay it!

Lisbon

Stop. Stop!

Jane

[to the chief] Extortionists.

Lisbon

Tell us about the victim.

Jane

Look! A hawk! Family of hawks. Ah, they're gone. Wow.

Rick Loomis. Been in town five months. He's dead in his truck by the creek.

Jane

Well, maybe he died of happiness - too much natural beauty. It's the Stendhal Syndrome.

No...

Jane

No?

He was shot in the head.

Jane

Oh, well. Never mind. [taking in the landscape] Beautiful!

Lisbon

So... cookies?

Okay.

Are you disabled?

Lisbon

No, no, I'm injured. Not that disabled is bad! But I'm not. I'm injured.

You walk like disabled.

Are you the CBI agents?

Jane

Yes. She does the detecting and I do the insulting.

Lisbon

Consulting.

Jane

That too.

Jane

This impact label was marking his shots. And in this particular case the 'X' doesn't mark the spot. His shots were are more to the front of the club.

Lisbon

What does that mean?

Jane

Well it means he was...

Lisbon

Dr. Steiner.

Agent Lisbon. It's not as bad as it looks.

Lisbon

Go get yourself checked out and then come talk to us.

Jane, was this you? Another trick?

Lisbon

Jane had nothing to do with this. Nothing at all. You didn't, did you?

Jane

Of course not.

Lisbon

You swear on your life?

Jane

On your life, even.

Lisbon

[kicks the couch] Wake up. Newsome Kirk posted bail. He's going to be gone in an hour.

Jane

Just in time for the 6:10 to Alpha Centauri.

Lisbon

He was right about Harley's psychiatrist. She did propose a book, but she withdrew it, so she had motive.

Jane

Kind of.

Lisbon

Who do you think did it?

Jane

Jabba the Hutt.

Lisbon

Seriously.

Jane

Ming the Merciless.

Lisbon

Okay.

Jane

ALF?

Lisbon

When the aliens do come, I hope they eat you.

Lisbon

Open it up.

He's in there with his lawyer.

Lisbon

Perfect.

A lady cop? Okay. I can get behind that. A dumb cop who's pretty is better than a dumb cop who ain't—

What do you think you're doing? You—You can't do that!

Lisbon

Oh?

That's a violation of due process! You just got this case dismissed!

Lisbon

What do we know about the victim?

Rigsby

He's a prison guard from Carson, just outside of town.

Jane

You sure?

Rigsby

Yeah.

Jane

Hmm... Oh, okay! It's in his hands. Yeah. Bitten nails, not too calloused, blue-collar job, high stress but no heavy lifting, prison guard. Thought I was losing my touch there for a second.

Lisbon

God forbid.

Jane

[holds out a flower] For you.

Lisbon

Does it squirt water?

Jane

No. It's no trick. Maybe just a little trick to catch the killer.

Lisbon

With a hydrangea?

Jane

Yeah.

Lisbon

How?

Jane

Well wouldn't that be spoiling the fun?

Lisbon

For you. Spoiling the fun for you.

Jane

That's the fun that matters.

Jane

[walks into Lisbon's office to see her trying on a bridesmaid dress] Hey, Lisbon. Any word on that list yet?

Lisbon

Geez, Jane! Do you mind knocking?

Jane

Whoa. My, my.

Lisbon

Van Pelt must die.

Jane

No, no, no. You look good. This is beautiful, like a princess. An angry little princess. Someone stole your tiara.

Lisbon

She caught me by surprise when she asked me, otherwise I never would have agreed to be a bridesmaid. Any why would she even ask me to do this? She knows I hate this crap!

Jane

I told her to ask you. I told her that you secretly wanted to be a bridesmaid.

Lisbon

Really. Why would you do that?

Jane

Oh, for the fun, and because deep down you secretly really do want to be a bridesmaid. Go ahead. Confess.

Jane

So how was your week? [smiles as he watches Lisbon laugh] You should be in the hospital. What are you doing here?

Lisbon

I'm okay. You, on the other hand.

Jane

I'm okay too.

Lisbon

You killed an unarmed man in front of five hundred witnesses. You're not okay.

Jane

He had a gun. Someone must have taken it and switched the cell phone. It's the only possible explanation.

Lisbon

That or you went nuts for a moment.

Jane

Lisbon, look at me. I didn't go nuts.

Lisbon

I believe you.

Lisbon

So what did you do? Honestly.

Jane

He had a gun.

Lisbon

No. I mean how did you raise the bail money.

Jane

Oh. That. Murder for hire. Killed a snitch. Stabbed him in the kidneys.

Lisbon

You did not.

Jane

I did not. I won it at a card game, but I had you for a moment.

Lisbon

I have a bad feeling about this.

Jane

Well you've been shot. You're bound to have a gloomy outlook. Ignore your feelings.

Lisbon

So, what now?

Jane

Now? Well, tea would hit the spot.

Lisbon

No. I mean what now. What you've done, what you've set out to do. You got your vengeance. Do you feel different? Feel better?

Jane

No. I feel guilty.

Lisbon

Guilty? Why?

Jane

For deceiving the jury. I mean, I had no choice. Going to prison for murder would have been a victory for Red John.

Lisbon

What do you mean? Red John's dead.

Jane

Timothy Carter's dead. He was an evil man, but he wasn't Red John. Red John is still alive. Watch the road.