Patrick Jane quotes from The Mentalist

Patrick Jane

Hello Lisbon. What a great day to not be blown up.

Teresa Lisbon

Give it up now.

Patrick Jane

What?

Teresa Lisbon

What you took from Bajoran's house.

Teresa Lisbon

The toupee, Jane, the housekeeper called.

Patrick Jane

Oh.

Teresa Lisbon

That's just gross! Why would you take it?

Patrick Jane

Evidence.

Teresa Lisbon

Of what?

Patrick Jane

Bad taste.

Walter Mashburn

I do! How do you know?

Patrick Jane

Pupil dilation.

Teresa Lisbon

Pupil dilation?!

Patrick Jane

Yes. When someone see something that they want, their pupils dilate.

Walter Mashburn

Pupil dilation... [stares at Lisbon] It's fantastic!

Patrick Jane

[glances at Mashburn's eyes, then at Lisbon's] Yes, it is. [Lisbon smiles]

Teresa Lisbon

What about you, Walter? Last year you said you'd do anything for a thrill.

Walter Mashburn

What do you have in mind?

Teresa Lisbon

Get down!

Patrick Jane

Thrilling enough for you, Walter?

Jane

Uh, uh, $90,000?

That's $90,000 for lot 10. And I see $100,000 from the woman in red. $110,000? Do I hear $110,000? $110,000, and $120,000? [Jane bids $120,000] $120,000. Thank you. $120,000.

Jane

$150,000. [to the woman next to him] Never was any good at math.

I've got $150,000 from the gentleman in the vest. How about $160,000? $160,000. [the woman in red bids] $160,000 is bid. How about $170,000? I've got $170,000, and $180,000. And the gentleman in the front row, $180,000 is your bid, sir. You've got the bid at $180,000. $190,000?

Jane

Can we move this thing along? $200,000.

And $200,000 from our enthusiastic friend in the back. Do I hear $210,000?

Nice day for it, huh?

Jane

Ah, yes.

And whose interests do you represent?

Jane

Well, that's supposed to be confidential, isn't it, but what the heck? Walter Mashburn.

$230,000 if you wish, sir. $230,000?

Jane

$230,000. $230,000. Do we have $240,000?

Uh, sir—

Jane

$240,000. Do we have $240,000?

$240,000.

Jane

$240,000, we have $240,000 right here. And we also have $250,000. I know that because I am bidding it. Do we have $260,000?

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Jane

$260,000? Come on, ma'am, you can do $260,000. I know you can.

Uh, sir?

Jane

Let's go! What about you, sir?

We have $250,000.

Jane

No. I want the thing for $260,000. Can I have it?

Yes.

Jane

Thank you.

Lisbon

You're looking a little creaky.

Jane

Yeah, a cattle prod will do that to you.

Lisbon

The doctor says there's no lasting effects.

Jane

Well, that doctor should try it himself sometime. [watches as Lisbon smiles] That was a big smile.

Lisbon

Of course I'm glad you're back. I'm also glad we solved one without you.

Jane

You were kidnapped and delivered to me. That counts as solving one?

Lisbon

Hightower and the team found us.

Jane

But if I hadn't held off Rachel, they would have found us dead in a burned out house.

Lisbon

Oh, you held off Rachel?

Jane

Yes.

Lisbon

Where's my apple?

Jane

Your what?

Lisbon

My apple. I asked you to get me an apple.

Jane

I come through the valley of death and all you can think about is your stomach. A piece of fruit.

Lisbon

That's right.

Jane

An apple.

Lisbon

Yes.

Jane

That's just plain selfish.

Lisbon

Selfish. Me: selfish.

Jane

Yes, it is. You're on my couch. I'm trying to have a cup of tea. Have you finished? You called me creaky. I've been cattle prodded all week. I just want to have a rest and a cup of tea and a little sleep.

Lisbon

[sigh] Oh, I wish I had a cattle prod.

Rest assured, I won't be pulling any vigilante nonsense.

Lisbon

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you see it that way. There's no upside to taking the law into your own hands. Revenge truly doesn't work.

Jane

Well that's just a sweeping statement, isn't it? I'm sure we can all think of examples where revenge has worked splendidly.

Lisbon

Thanks for your input.

Jane

Just saying.

Lisbon

Examples where revenge worked splendidly. Nice.

Jane

I was just teasing. A little hypocritical to lecture him on revenge, don't you think?

Lisbon

How's that?

Jane

Uh, all these years you've been helping me seek revenge?

Lisbon

Well that's different.

Jane

How's that?

Lisbon

I'm in control of the situation.

Jane

Oh, really.

Jane

What do you mean, "you're in control of the situation"?

Lisbon

When the day comes when we find Red John, I'm gonna be there to stop you from doing anything foolish. We're gonna put him in front of a judge and a jury.

Jane

You really believe that?

Lisbon

Yes, I do.

Jane

Really? I just assumed you took that judge and jury stuff with a grain of salt.

Lisbon

Well, you assumed wrong. No salt.

Jane

You know the reality will be different. Red John is mine, and I will exact my revenge on him.

Lisbon

I think when the time comes, you'll see that violence is not the answer.

Jane

I had no idea your naïve idealism was so deeply felt.

Lisbon

[activates an automatic dancing toy Santa] I can't believe people buy this crap.

Jane

I sense a Christmas speech coming on.

Lisbon

No, I just think people can celebrate a holy day without lying to children about a magical fat guy with a sack full of toys.

Jane

So you took the whole Santa revelation badly, huh?

Lisbon

It crushed my heart like a cigarette.

Jane

That explains why you're still looking for magic in your life.

Lisbon

LaRoche is looking for you.

Jane

Well, tell him I wish him luck.

Any time anything cuts you off from experiencing your life, it's unhealthy. Right?

Jane

Wouldn't know.

Listen, ahh, I'd, ahh, I'd like to convey my gratitude--

Jane

Easy, cowboy. You just met her.

You don't wanna go back there.

Jane

[imitates Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi] These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Police, aren't you?

Jane

How'd you know?

Police and fine women always think they got a right to be wherever they're at. And you ain't no fine woman.

Lisbon

Mr. Lima, put your hands on your head where I can see 'em.

Jane

Mr. Mitchell left the ICU yesterday. But I'll be glad to pass on your best wishes.

Whatever. You got nothing. That notebook shorthand crap won't fly in court.

Jane

True enough. I happened to write that notebook shorthand crap myself.