Daffy Duck quotes from The Looney Tunes Show

Hey, Speedy, Porky finally got a girlfriend.

Speedy

Ooh, good for you, Pinky. I thought you were gonna be one of those "always-leaves-alone" guys, who just gets more and more desperate until he alienates the few friends that he has, and then he's just alone. So, what a relief for you. Now when can we meet this new girlfriend?

Ugh. I don't have a girlfriend.

Speedy

Well, stay in the game, pinky. But, maybe you should think about growing a beard. You got so much…face.

That was your exciting news, because you don't have a girlfriend?

No. I got us playoff tickets.

What? How did you get tickets? They've been sold out for weeks!

My uncle works at the league office.

Porky, I can't believe we're going to the playoffs!

I'm picking up the tickets this afternoon.

My friendship with Porky is over!

What?

He ate my french fries!

What french fries?

The ones that came with my sandwich!

He probably thought they were for the table.

There were not for the table! They were my fries! They came with my sandwich! You want fries? Order fries! But you do not take someone else's fries! That is a garbage move! Porky is a piece... of... garbage!

Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?

I am not being dramatic! (puts on sunglasses and wraps a scarf around his neck and gets out of the car) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk myself home. That's right. Walk home through this unsavory neighborhood where I'll surely be sat upon by ruffians and miscreants, street hustlers and road monkeys. None of whom, by the by, come close to being the kind of garbage that is Porky Pig! Now good day, sir. (Bugs drives away; Daffy looks back, feeling alone) Bugs?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this for the table or it is just for you?

I'm not talking to you.

Well, I'm not talking to you!

Too late. You just talked to me.

Real mature, Daffy.

Daffy!

Stop copying me.

Stop copying me.

Daffy. Stop it.

Daffy. Stop it.

I'm serious.

I'm serious.

So, what do you want to see?

Lola

I don't know, aliens?

Isn't that an old movie?

Lola

It's a movie? (both awkwardly look at each other)

Lola

I am such a good girlfriend! Dropping by uninvited without calling first. Guys love that!

What's tonight's homework?

A perm.

A perm? What is this, 1984?

(as he nearly drowns in his bed sheets) I regret nothing! (Daffy rises back up) Except for not buying those life jackets. (he wakes up in the hospital after nearly drowning) It was a dream. It was all a dream. That explains why I was such a horrible person and did all those horrible things.

Ehh, not a dream. You are a horrible person and you did do those horrible things.

The butter is hard!

What?

I said the butter is hard because somebody failed to let it soften before serving dinner.

I'm sorry i just got so busy with the creme brulee--

But you're not too busy to make excuses!

Ow! That hurt!

I bet it hurts because it's hard!

Are those store-bough rolls?

Ow!

Of course you're saying "OW!" They're like rocks.

[entering the house] We won again! One more goal, and the bobcats are state champions!

Oh, that's great! We should have a party to celebrate. [sits up on the sofa, revealing to be fully weight gained; confused] What?

You look different. Did you get a haircut?

No. (I didn't.)

Are those new gloves?

[looks at his gloves] No. (They're not.)

What's with the sunglasses?

I'm keeping a low profile.

[knocks off Daffy's sunglasses with her wand; annoyed] You got some nerve!

What? Because of the email? Because I said you're scary witch? You're not!

Speedy

More iced tea?

Not too much ice. [Speedy annoyingly pours the tea on him] You're mad? Why are you mad? Because I said calling yourself speedy sounds braggy? It does. I don't call myself handsome.

Speedy

[annoyed] You know what people should call you? Jerk.

Why is everyone so mad at you?

I accidentally sent a mass email spelling out in great detail how I feel about people.

Ah, who else did you send it to?

Everybody. Everyone I've ever interacted with. Everyone who matters to me, who I have a relationship with. Anyone who makes any impression on me at all. So... everybody. Every single person in my life.

You didn't send it to me.

[amused at Daffy’s lobster pain] Relatively painless.

People need to chill out.

Bag-less, light weight, durable five-year warranty, free ship… Free shipping? Hello, mommy. I think someone just made her way to my cart. Do I wanna proceed to checkout or buy all my items with a simple quick click? Do you have to ask? Quick click. See you babies in three to five business days.

[offscreen] Daffy!

Yeah?

What is all this?

Stuff I bought on the Internet.

How did you pay for it?

You don't have to pay for it. You just press quick click.

You used my computer! The quick click is connected to my bank account!

Oh, that's why it always says, "Thank you for purchase, Mr. Bunny."

It's all going back.

But I need all this stuff!

I think you have a shopping problem.

I don't have a shopping problem.

Oh, really? A battery operated spaghetti fork?

It's the ultimate time saver. Says it right there on the package.

It's going back.

Video games? What are you, nine years old?

It's not just any video game, it's the best video game. "Gribbler's Quest 4: Elves VS. Fairies VS. Gribblers." You can play it as an elf or as a fairy. But you have to get to level 15 to be a gribbler.

[annoyingly swipes the game console out of his hands] I don't want one more package delivered to this house.

Fine. [shouting as Bugs goes inside the house] I would've let you use the toilet paper warmer!

[closes the front door, ignoring him and walks into the kitchen] "Elves VS. Fairies VS. Gribblers." [sets the game console down on the table and gets a soda can out from the fridge] What the heck is a gribbler, anyway?

I know in the past, we've talked a lot about my fear of commitment. Uh, I don't know if this qualifies as a breakthrough or not, uh, but this week, I've decided to try online dating.

What is this?

Yosemite Sam

It's a group therapy.

What? I don't need group therapy.

Yosemite Sam

Shh!

Sam, do you have anything you'd like to share?

Yosemite Sam

I had, uh, I had a setback this week. I shot my dry cleaner.

[shocked] Huh?!

Yosemite Sam

Oh, it's just a water pistol, but I-I just kept a-shootin'. I couldn't stop. I just felt so angry.

Why were you angry?

Yosemite Sam

They didn't get the stain out of my kerchief.

Do you think your anger might have been… misdirected?

Yosemite Sam

Oh, wow. I hadn't thought of that. Well, I wasn't mad at him at all.

How do you think you're actually angry with?

Yosemite Sam

It was those kids. I'm mad at all those kids who used to tease me on the playground! It's not my fault I had a mustache in 3rd grade. I just wanted to be like everybody else. [bursts into tears] No one gave me a chance!

Man, Bugs, you haven't changed a bit.

Eh, so how did you guys meet?

Summer camp.

Lame.

Camp Winninake.

Camp Winninake? I went to Camp Winninake!

Oh, really? I don't remember you there. What cabin were you in? We were Cabin Seven, the Sharks.

Oh, Cabin Three, the Tadpoles. None of us could swim, so we did a lot of inside activities.

Ooh, man, I remember the first day of camp. I didn't even want to get off the bus. But then I met Bugs, and we became best friends.