Daffy Duck quotes from The Looney Tunes Show

Did you just call me a "no rooster?"

What are you gonna do about it, huh, son? I say, what are you gonna do about it?

"Literacy" is the ability to read and write.

Ohhh! Then, count me in! "O-N" In!

What are you wearing?

Mall pants.

What kind of pants?

Mall pants, pants to wear the mall. It's a sign of respect.

Then why aren't you wearing a shirt?

Too much respect. It's a mall, not a church, also I can't afford a shirt.

Where do you get all your money?

I invented the carrot peeler.

You invented the carrot peeler?

Daffy, are you telling me you don't use toilet paper?

Mine was gonna be called "butt paper!"

[Deadpan] Can I help you?

Daffy Duck. I am here to pick up my business cards.

I really need to get a girlfriend.

Where'd you get that?

Why didn't you tell me I have a bump on my beak?!

I never noticed a bump.

Do not patronize me. If there's something wrong with me that I don't know about, then you owe it to me, as my best friend, to tell me.

All right. You're narcissist. You're a sociopath. You're probably a psychopath. You're a...

Those are just quirks. Endearing quirks. I'm talking about something important. My appearance. And if you won't be honest with me, then I'll find someone who will. (He gives the toilet to Bugs) Here. Take this home for me. It's a really good toilet. (They walk out of the carpark)

(after the credits, she opens the WB shield-shaped door) Is this the bathroom?

(offscreen) NO! GO HOME!!

I bet you're a terrible husband and father!

Strike 3!

(laughs)

...And he's out!

(talking to Marvin and Daffy) And you two make the pizza. Any questions?

How do you make pizza?

(referring to Pete being in his dream) You were in it, but when you talked, you had a woman's voice.

Ooooh, did I sound pretty?

What's the order?

I think pizza.

You know what they say: starve a cold, feed a head injury.

Like pizza dough, we'll rise to the occasion.

Turns out the secret to a successful restaurant: a mouse.

Speedy

Tell that to the health department.

(stuttering) This whole time I've been eating pepperoni, I've been eating me!

C'mon we're gonna be late for the movie!

(walks down the stairs dressed as a school girl)

What are you wearing?

I don't know about you, but I'm getting a student discount.

(picks up car keys)

You're driving? You always drive. Let me drive! (opens door to reveal a parade float with a giant Daffy on the roof)

I'm not going in that thing.

It's not a thing, it's a parade float.

Well, guess what? I'm a man too, and today this man is wearing the pants! (in high-pitched voice) Oops, almost forgot my purse! Come on, you big lug!

Can I see your driver's license?

My what?

Just give him your driver's license.

What's a driver's license?

You don't have a driver's license?

Sir, you're not allowed to operate a vehicle without a driver's license. Please step out of the car or I'm gonna have it towed.

Towed?! But, I'm just an innocent school girl and this is my baby brother. (looks toward Bugs) Put on the diaper!

(answering his phone) Hey Lola.

Lola

Hey Bugs! Whatcha doing?

Standing on the side of a road.

Lola

Fun! Oh my gosh, you're never gonna believe this, there is a guy standing on the side of the road who looks just like you. I'm about to hit him.

Lola

(rolling down her window) You look just like my boyfriend!

Lola

I can't go to jail! I'm too pretty! I won't last a day. No wait, I'll work out, I'll get really muscular. (lowers voice) My voice will get really deep. I'll run the place. (rolls down window) Hi, officer.

Can I see your drivers license?

Lola

Absolutely! Just one second. (grabs purse) Okay, let me see here. Ooh, here we go! Oh, wait, that's my credit card! (The officer clicks his pen) Here we go! Oops, no, that's a recipe for salmon balls. They're really good! Here it is, oh no that's my frozen yogurt frequent muncher card. Two more and I get a free waffle cone! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Oh, here it is! It was hiding! Oh no, wait, that's a picture of Bugs; isn't he cute? (Lola shows a picture of Bugs hiding behind a shower curtain, while Bugs slaps his forehead) Here it is. Wait, that's a basketball card. Manu Ginóbili. I love Manu Ginóbili! Oh, here it is, oops, fortune cookie fortune! (reads fortune cookie) You will receive an unexpected letter from a friend. How does the cookie know that? That's crazy. I'm sorry, what did you want?

Your driver's license.

Lola

O-o-o-h, yeah, I don't have one of those.

[while aiming a pen on Porky's face] I JUST WANT MY SPARGLE!!!!!!

[draws out the stapler] Put down the pen!

Put down the stapler or I'll write over the pig's face!!!

Why does everyone want to write over my face?

[hysterically] Just give me my Spargle!

Put down the pen!!!

That's permanent ink!!!

[more hysterically] I said give me my Spargle!!

PUT IT DOWN!!!

P--Permanent!!!

I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MY SPARGLE!!!

I SAID "PUT IT DOWN!!!"

I--It won't come off!

Yosemite Sam

[whistles that stops the commotion] This is a place of business. This are hardworking people who simply want to sell a quality product. What in tarnation is illegal about that?

You're all under arrest.

Yosemite Sam

What's going on here?

This whole operation's a scam. These things were filled with dangerous highly addictive chemicals.

But what about the spargler berries!? [starts crying]

Somebody get that guy to a doctor.

Yosemite Sam

Am I under arrest? I'm just an innocent sales representative.

Well, that all depends. Did you know you were selling a dangerous product?

Thanks for helping out, I'll take it from here.

Who are you?

Steve St. James, Off Duty Cop.

Arrest this one too.

What did I do?

You've been impersonating a cop and handcuffing people all over town.

What about him? He's been impersonating a chauffeur.

That's not illegal. It's pathetic, but it's not illegal. Get this guy outta my face. [The FBI Agent walks away with Daffy] I'm putting you down as a witness, so I'm gonna need your name too.

B--Brandon Steel.

I'm just gonna put "chauffeur".

Daffy Sheldon Duck. Education: None. References: None. Skills: None. Work Experience: Let's not go there. Are you a complete nitwit?

No, I'm a dunderhead. At least according to this Internet IQ Test.

Daffy, for the past 3 months, I've been pulling you a weight because I thought you're looking for a job.

Why do I look for a job when you pull my weight?

So what you're saying is; I'm enabling you.

You're not enabling me. You're simply shielding me from the consequences of my own self-destructive behavior.

I think you're right. And I'm not gonna do it anymore.

Daffy, for your own good. I'm kicking you out.

What?! (Bugs pushes him out of the house) Well, guess what? You can't kick me out because I am leaving.

Good.

Great. I'm going to get my stuff.

Okay.

I packed my suitcase and I'm going.

That's my suitcase.

Well, I just take my stuff.

That's my stuff.

I don't need your stuff. I don't need you. I can make it on my own just fine. So I'm going. I'll see you around. I am going, right now. I'm gone. G-O-N. Gone.

Arrivederci!

Pfft. I don't need a friend telling me to pull my weight. I don't need a job. I don't even need that jive. I'm Daffy Duck. You hear that, world? (He walks back to Bugs' house.) I can take care of myself. (He knocks on the door as Bugs open the door.) Please take care of me! (starts sobbing)

When I say... When I took over Enormocorp 10 years ago, I vowed... I say, I vowed to make Enormocorp a world leading industry.

(Imitating Foghorn Leghorn) I say, I say. I'm a big fat rooster and I run the company. Look at me with my big, fat finger around like I'm the boss of you. I run the fifth...

What? I say, what is going on here?

(Continues imitating) I say, I say. (Continues laughing, then stops)

Get in here. (Daffy points to himself) Yes, you.

(to Foghorn) Just go with your gut! You've got a big enough one.

(after turning off the TV) Ugh. If I knew all that was going to happen, I would have kept enabling you.

At least I learned a big lesson.

What's that?

When I pull my own weight, I pull a lot of stuff down with it.

(after tripping) Call Dr. Weisberg!