[to Pete] You might not know this, because I haven't seen you training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.
It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So you didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to Jackie's?
I thought you brought her to gymnastics.
No. I brought her to gymnastics, and you were supposed to pick her up and drop...oh, my God.
[Kevin and Jenny rush out of the bar]
Parent fail.
I just ate a shit-ton at Sizzler. I have the strength of four Salisburies, three sirloins, and a gallon of root beer inside me. Let's notarize!
You can't just bring some rando girl just because you have a "plus one".
She's not a rando girl, okay? She likes me, she's super techie, very cool. You guys are going to love her.
Oh. The techie. Yeah, I get it.
What?
That explains all the tech gear.
No, I just like this stuff.
Come on. You're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.
Am not.
Yes, you are. You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has.
Not true.
Not true?
Not true.
Lest I bring up Hippie Girl. Anyone? Please chime in.
Absolutely.
All right, you know what? Starchild was wonderful, all right? I was hacky-sacking way before I ever met her.
Do me a favor and say, "happy anniversary."
I will when she says, "happy birthday."
No, you say it first.
[They exchanges hellos with Ruxin and Sofia]
You look lovely.
Thank you. This is the same dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.
Oh, the night before my birthday?
My wedding.
My birthday.
My wedding.
My birthday.
My wedding five years ago. Can you believe the dress still fits? Actually, I had to take in it just a little bit.
I am going to go get a drink.
SStacy (Andre's date)
It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?
Ruxin.
SStacy
Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry—on an archived Prodigy page—and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.
What is she talking about?
SStacy
It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?
I don't even know who you are.
SStacy
Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?
Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?
OThe others
No.
She's weird.
Totally weird.
What do you mean, she's weird? No.
She's strange, man.
Shit's natural, bitch.
Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.
No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.
No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.
It was a goof.
[on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."
Hernando's a man's name.
[on hearing the others ordering shots] It doesn't need to be top-shelf.
Oh, we're not driving. Taco got us all cars.
Your rando plus-one just Tweeted about my anniversary.
That's so great. Did she use the #greatevent?
All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one of her 831 followers on Twitter.
That's so cool.
No, because he wasn't invited because I don't want him here because he collects ferrets.
Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the Net.
You know, your life on the Net is even sadder than your life on Earth.
Can I have your attention, everyone? It has taken me five years, but I've finally completed Ruxin and Sofia's wedding gift—their wedding video.
But we already have a wedding video.
Yes, but I was shooting behind-the-scenes footage with my own camera without any of you knowing. I wanted to capture the wedding cinnamon very day style.
[In Taco's video]
I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.
That's the worst case scenario.
What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?
No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.
I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?
Because you like blowjobs.
I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.
Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.
What I felt tonight was...
Was "insert adjective here."
Taco has organized this whole night just to mess with me and beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it. He's a sly fox.
No, he's not a sly fox. He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.
Babe, I'm so sorry about today. I really screwed up.
Why? It's kind of the best birthday ever.
Really?
Are you kidding me? It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.
[after throwing an irate monkey out of the car] Oh, my God. I think we just killed him!
We didn't kill it, okay. Monkeys land on their feet. They're like masturbating cats.
WWitch
His spirit is very restless; there's a terrible noise.
Oh no, is it Savage Garden? Five for Fighting? Boyz II Men? Please tell me it's not Boyz II Men.
WWitch
He's covering his ears!
Is it Creed? Nickelback?!
[in court seeing Taco eating popcorn] Taco? I knew one day you'd get arrested. What did you do?
I'm here for the show.
What show?
My favorite show's Judge Joe Brown, and my cable's out, so I figure this will be the next best thing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.