This is your plane ticket, Taco.
Thank you for paying for it, brother. To pay you back, I will teach Ellie to ride a motorcycle.
That's not necessary. She's only six.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
By the way, the term "what happens in Vegas...", that should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused expressions along with "You go, girl" and "Show me the money."
I want to know: who didn't vote for me?
It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.
COChad Ochocinco
Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?
You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.
I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.
You can still be on my team if you want to be.
What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.
How are you going to do that?
Ruxin, do you want some help?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.
It's unfair.
Fortune favors the just!
[on the redone league trophy with a small statue of Andre] Why doesn't it have a penis?
Oh, because it's anatomically correct, Taco.
[on the various hot women in the club] My wife is hotter than her and her. My wife's hotter than her. My wife's hotter than her.
Okay, we get it. You out-kicked your coverage with Sofia.
[snaps four times] Racist lions don't like playing the game. Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.
President Andrew Jackson?
Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?
Rafi's coming by for a drink.
You invited him here? Why?
Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.
You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".
He's vile.
By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.
No, it does sound dirty.
[sounding dirty] El Cuñado.
El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?
You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.
It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.
Your brother stole my car.
He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.
If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.
Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.
I went down on a girl in that car.
That wasn't a girl.
Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.
[on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.
I thought these were all Yellow Pages.
Why would I keep Yellow Pages?
Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?
Because this is my own personal research library.
[perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.
Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.
Those things are high-pressure situations.
Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds—what is cryptography?
You know what, that came in a set.
Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?
I should've hid that one.
You're a lawyer, Kevin.
It's full of common sense legal advice.
Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?
Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.
I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.
Is he...black?
How'd you know?
Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."
"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."
I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?
It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."
Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.
"...firecracker."
Spark plug.
Spark plug in the clubhouse.
Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.
Which is code word for "white."
Always a white guy.
Ichiro Suzuki is...
Inscrutable.
You cannot be in a league with Russell
Why? He called the other day, they needed an extra person, we were talking, he asked me if I could do it.
Jenny, Russell is a sex addict.
There's no such thing as a sex addict. There's just guys.
Yes, guys who want to sleep with everything.
Yeah, guys.
This guy is perverted, all right? Who starts a league week three?
Whatever. I'll figure it out. We're going over there for the draft, and I'm excited.
Jenny, I don't want you to be in a league with Russell the sex machine. I want you to be in a league with me.
Really?
Really.
Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?
Enter initiate, please.
[entering with a plate] I made brownies...
No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!
No.
Stand.
No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.
Sit comfortably!
Thanks.
Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.
So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.
OGThe other guys
"Sweetheart"? No.
That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.
You want "dick cream" back?
No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?
Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.
GThe guys
No!
No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.
All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.
No, no, no, no dick cream.
But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.
GThe guys
Oh, yeah, he is.
What are you drinking?
Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.
SPUNK.
Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.
Yeah?
It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.
But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?
It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?
Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?
I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.
So where do you get this stuff?
I got a guy.
TTwyla
Look, I know you have been avoiding me, but I need a donation from you for Team Twyla for our marathon.
Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.
TTwyla
Excuse me?
See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.
TTwyla
What are charity terrorists?
Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to give money to things against my will. It's almost a jihad against my wallet. Let me ask you a question, Twyla. How much of that marathon did you run last year?
TTwyla
Well, I walked as much as I could, and then I ran a bit and then I walked some!
On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?
TTwyla
Yes.
Well, I also love The Country's Best Yogurt, but I don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off. But if you do want to lose some weight, you can start by not eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.
TTwyla
Okay, well, then, why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?
'kay, everybody calls me Ruxin, and I can't believe I work in an office full of hungry hungry hippos!
Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.
The word is notary.
No, no, that's the plural.
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