What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?
Why wouldn't I pick him up?
Are you trying to collude with me?
Shh. Don't put words in my mouth. There's no colluding. I'll say this. If this was to occur, I would give you some really good sex.
I would do that. I would try my best.
Do you not try your best now?
I will give you 100% for four minutes, and then, like, 60% for the five minutes after that. And then after that, you're on your own.
You naughty little commissioner.
You know what you can do are all of Ellie's thank-you notes.
Why doesn't Ellie do her own thank-you notes?
Because Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.
Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?
Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.
What are vinegar strokes?
It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.
[on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.
And he called me the Herdsman.
Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!
It was never even my nickname.
Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.
At least I got laid in high school.
Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.
Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.
[seeing a video of Taco having sex on his desk] I can't believe you did all of that on my desk!
I'm as upset as you are. I realize you can't capture your own vinegar strokes. That's why I need to watch you having sex.
No, you're not going to watch me have sex.
Yeah, yeah, when's your girlfriend comin' over? I'll hide in the corner, she won't see me. I'll just watch you.
First of all, I'm not dating anyone right now, and secondly, no!
You know, you're the only one here that can actually help me out. You know I have two balls. Just get the word out.
Why would I do that? I'm telling everyone that I did the reconstructive surgery. I have three new clients.
Well, I'm glad I could help. We're even now. Are we even?
Oh, oh yeah. This...this makes us even.
[to Pete] Stu didn't have sex in your mom's car. Kevin did.
[offering a high-five] Oh, yeah!
I'm sorry, how do you know this?
[taking it back] Oh, no. What? What?
Why don't they put these things in the reunion books?
Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.
I'm sorry, can I get some more details?
He was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name. "SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM!!!" It was funny actually.
So the first Shiva Blast was your vinegar strokes.
All right, Eskimo brother.
What's that thing on top?
That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.
Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?
No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.
You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.
GThe guys
[toasting] To The Sacko.
I love it. I hope I never win it.
JHJohn Hansen
[on Fantasy Sports Radio with Adam Kaplan] Back to the phone lines. We're going to K-Dog in Chicago. Yo, what's up, K-Dog?
You remember me? I'm the guy you screwed over. You told me to start Wallace. Meanwhile, I've got Meachem sitting on the bench, and he scores two touchdowns.
AKAdam Kaplan
It's one player. Come on, dude.
HHansen
We told you Meachem had upside potential.
But you ranked Wallace higher.
That's exactly what I am. I'm a slave to the rankings.
HHansen
Dude, you gotta be a man. Make your own decisions.
I haven't made a decision for myself since the day I got married. I have a car that has a little screen that tells me what's behind me. I don't even want to make the decision of turning my head to look what I running over. Tell me what to do! And Hansen, you even call yourself a guru. You've gurued nothing! Don't call yourself an expert and give me shitty advice.
HHansen
Dude, here's a prediction for you, my friend. You are banned from the show for life.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'll call in as other people. I'm going to be Mike from Seattle who's so upset Marshawn Lynch is having such a crappy year.
HHansen
Correction, my friend. You're Kevin McArthur from Winnetka, Illinois.
KKaplan
And I'm looking at your phone number right here, dude.
It's not blocked? [He gets disconnected] Can I take back what I just said?
[on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.
We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.
We have so much to be thankful for.
We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.
And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?
It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.
Never should've made that trade with Taco.
And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.
Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.
And you are going to kill Rodney.
So from the first family of fantasy football...
...to your family at home...
KJKevin and Jenny
Suck it!
