TV show quotes
[seeing a silhouette of Jenny unzipping Kevin's pants, caused by an explosion of cheap paint] That's so cool. I love it. Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper for zipper fairies, right?
[off Jenny's look, mortified] She didn't find any. I think they're dead.
It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.
Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Andre.
Andre?
Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.
Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."
You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.
I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.
Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?
Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.
I'm actually a district attorney.
Really?
Assistant district attorney.
[to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.
Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.
Hmm.
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.
I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.
That's why that mescal never tasted the same.
It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.
Who cares about the sorbet?
I care about the sorbet.
Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.
Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.
Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.
That would be amazing.
I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.
Oh. I got a seed.
That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.
I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.
I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.
Sticky.
I feel like I'm watching my own birth.
[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.
Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?
[Walking in on Rupert having sex with Heather]
[to Ruxin] I just saw your dad's vinegar strokes.
I saw into his soul. Not good.
[writing Ruxin's medical history] So, date of birth?
You've been at my birthday every year for the last twenty years.
Okay. Patient is being hostile. Are you a smoker?
No.
How many drinks would you say you have in a week?
I have, like, one drink a week.
Really? One drink a week?
One drink a week.
All right, do you engage in sexual activity?
Yep.
With multiple partners?
Only when your mom and sister are in town.
I'm not gonna write that down. Have you ever engaged in anal intercourse?
I refer you to my last answer.
Let me just give you a little brief recap here. You are a nonsmoker, light drinker who engages in anal intercourse with my mother and sister.
Look, Andre, just, please, I just need a couple of painkillers to get me through the week.
What do you think we're in, Tijuana here, you can just come in, tell me what you want, and I'll write you a prescription?
If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.
Not in a doctor's office.
[on Ruxin] He's barefoot in the bathroom at Senor Crab's.
I know, I just peed all over the floor in there.
Why would you pee on the floor?
Everybody does.
What are you doing?
I'm helping Ellie with her assignment. It's to draw her hero. And for some weird reason, she chose her father. And here's the picture.
What is this? Why am I naked?!
Ellie did not draw that.
No, no, no, I helped her with this one.
Taco, she can't bring this into a second grade classroom!
I'm sorry the crotchal region is not flattering, but it's accurate.
Taco, the fact that you drew an anatomically correct version of my husband is just wrong!
Well, it's not 100% anatomically correct.
I gave you an extra inch because it's about hero worship, right?
[to Ellie] Your daddy's your hero? You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.
An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.
Maybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.
Look at this! Look at this!
Holy shit. Interception. Two points.
Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.
He's got one guy to beat.
[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]
Oh, my God. You saved me.
Kevin, six more points! You won!
I didn't even see the play.
You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.
And I beat you. Suck it!
Oh, I love you, dick cream.
[They kiss and Kevin drops her]
I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!
[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?
Ellie's homework.
This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.
You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!
Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!
I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!
[Ruxin on the ground after having a stroke]
I think we're supposed to pee on him!
That's jellyfish, you idiot!
It might not help, but it can't hurt.
Having a near-death experience has really changed the way I see things.
Ruxin had the stroke, not you, Taco.
I was right next to him. I was near death.
[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.
Is it hot there?
Shh.
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...
Me?
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.
What?
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.
What?!
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.
To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.
100% agree.
Yeah.
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.
What?
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...
Andre, the shit just got really real.
Okay.
And you better not fuck this up.
No pressure, buddy.
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!
You know nothing about fantasy football.
Sure, I do. I just don't understand why you won't let me draft the players I want to play. It's fantasy football, so the Hulk should be able to be on the team.
Do you still have those butt plugs with Bert and Ernie's face on them?
Those are my daughter's tubby toys.
She should not play with those. Those should be burned.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
