TV show quotes
Why'd you screw me? Okay, what happened to the new honest league?
You know what? If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you. I wanted to be the Patient Zero, for once! Let me be Patient Zero!
That is so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even respond.
You want to watch, like, MTV or something?
Oh, that'd be cool.
16 and Pregnant marathon.
Oh, my gosh, I love 16 and Pregnant! My friend was on that last week.
[whispering] I need you to teach me how to be a liar.
[whispering] You don't need to whisper. We're in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here. Look, I am not your guy for this. You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete. "No, I've never been married before." "Yeah, I definitely own my own home." "No, this isn't a cold sore." I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an Australian mining consortium.
Ruxin, you are the best worst person I know.
Thank you. I am very flattered and insulted by that.
Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire!
Baby Geoffrey, forever unclean!
So lots of people didn’t go to college! You don’t have to constantly throw it in my face!
He creepied up in bobbum van, filled with equipmonk for great grief for making out your underneath.
[as Bobbum Man, on Taco's tape recorder] Equipmonk sharp, equipmonk dirty, equipmonk make Kevin's bobbum hurty. Bobbum.
[on Taco's MyFace wall] How'd you get that picture of me in Godspell? That was on my vanity. That's my personal property.
Okay, hold on. Couple of questions real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity at, why do you have to call it a vanity?
I'm trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this woman's sex bruises but I'm not getting a thing.
Hey, can I check your computer real quick? I just want to mess with my lineup a little bit, make a few adjustments before the game starts.
Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.
Will do, Captain Hooker.
[as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?
Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.
It's the Chosen People's Court.
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...
Ugh.
...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.
This is bordering on sincerity.
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players—not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats—that he shall be kicked out of this league.
What?
[bangs gavel] I have spoken!
Taco is vital to our league.
He's our heart.
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.
Shadow government, all in.
[wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...
[hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!
I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.
[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]
What the...
Just be careful of the paint you use.
Why?
Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.
Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?
Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.
And morally, you're good with this?
There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.
What are you guys doing in my bedroom?
[covering as Kevin zips back up] Oh, hi, sweetie. Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies...
Yes.
...in Daddy's zipper.
What are zipper fairies?
Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.
Yeah.
Did you get all the zipper fairies out?
No. No, she did not, sadly.
[on Ruxin's topless photo of Sofia] But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?
For personal use.
Oh, no. You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.
Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.
What? I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.
That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
