TV show quotes
Now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.
Bath time.
That's bullcrap.
What did you say, young lady?
You heard me.
[turning to toy elf] Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on the Shelf? You're calling Santa right now?
Uh-oh, Santa's being phoned.
[walking away] All right. Stop busting my balls.
Where did she learn to talk like that? I knew we were going to have a dick kid, I knew it.
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.
And please make him stop stinking so much.
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.
[Inside the house]
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.
Eh.
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.
Do not jinx him.
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...
Post!
Post?
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]
SHIT!!!!!!
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.
Shit!
Did you lose?
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!
My eggs!
[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.
It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.
What if they're both?
What are you gonna do?
Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.
[offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.
Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.
Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.
Need I say more?
Well, Jenny, may the best man win this week.
Oh, Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.
I don't remember it that way.
Really?
Really. All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.
Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now? You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin. I cannot wait to obliterate you. And you are going to lose, you are going to go home, and you are going to savage your pud.
Very classy.
Thank you.
You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.
I am a great wife.
Oh yeah, because every wife completely emasculates her husband. For shame, Jenny.
Babe, are you ready to go?
Get back in the car, Kevin.
Yes, ma'am.
[pulling back the shower curtain revealing Kevin masturbating to a smartphone in a plastic bag] I have drAIDS.
Whoa!
Oh, ugh! Kevin, you have betrayed my trust.
Babe, it's just a little bit of porn. No one ever...
I don't care that you are yanking it in a shower. Savage yourself all you want; do not touch my lineup.
Babe, I was doing what I felt was right for the entire team, for the whole MacArthur team. I mean, this is the Shiva Bowl, babe.
Are those our sandwich bags?
Yeah. They work so good.
[replacing the curtain] My whole life is cursed.
Is it weird if I finish?
[singing to tune of Hava Nagila] Shivakamini Somakandarkram, Shiva - Suck it!
Let me just review the stats for a couple of days.
Okay, every African dictator ever, you lost the elections. Now give up power.
[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?
Did he win his league?
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.
[He holds up a revised plate]
It's already got your name on it.
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!
[Everyone looks in the sky]
Oh, my God.
Is that a solar eclipse?
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?
Not for months.
This league is doomed.
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!
Don't put it on!
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.
I'm a lawyer getting the Fortune 500 out of trouble
But now I'm here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
I'm the best and you're the worst
And if you need any proof, [holds up Shiva's senior picture] this was Kevin's first
Ruxin's number one, it's true, you can't stop him
Meet the rest of my team—Pete Top/Kevin Bottom
I'm MJD, Ruxin's first pick in the draft
He went with me, and we kicked all your ass
Brent Grimes here with the Falcons D
Keepin' Ruxin winning with my five INTs
I'm Sidney Rice, hip to the IR
Won Ruxin the Shiva with my late-season charge
We're Ruxin's team, winning every scuffle
And now we're here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
Ruxin's better than you, Pete, hate to burst your bubble
And that's why we're doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
Shivakamini Somakandarkram
Shivakamini Somakandarkram
He likes fine wine and risotto with truffles
And now he's doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
He's a league champion with George Clooney stubble
And we're all doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle!
What's my name? My name is Dirty Randy. What do I do? I do this. [Mimes running the camera...] And I do this [Mimes jerking off...], I do this [..."dotting the i's"...]. You know what I don't do? [... and cleaning up] That.
I am day drunk, get ready to see my dick.
Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so...
And she's killing it on the electric saw. Learned it in five minutes.
Ellie, just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, OK? Wash your hands, please.
No promises!
Look, I can't have the party at my house, 'cause people will Google Map it, they'll see the swastika, and they'll think I'm having some sort of suburban Kristallnacht.
And whose fault is that?
I would say Hitler, and really, the Poles. They were the worst of them all.
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
What is Taccot?
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
This is my home.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
A giant.
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
Nothing!
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
No!
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Huh.
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
I know you do.
Hey, what about me?
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
It's good.
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
It's still not fair.
Just wait. Hold on.
You just got a great kicker.
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
All in.
[on Jenny] So this is your wife?
No.
My wife...she...came down with something, so...
[under breath] Catholicism?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
