Dana Fairbanks quotes from The L Word

[about Dana's Subaru ad] Oh, what did it say again, dear? It said, uh... what was... oh, "Get out and stay out!" [laughs]

Dana

[nervous] Yeah...

I'm not really sure what that means.

Dana

Uh... it means, uh... It's a marketing campaign for, uh, women. Who are like me. Who, uh... who are... out. Doorsy. Outside a lot.

Dana

[about her mom] It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it.

Alice

That's good. She's accepting it through denial.

Dana

She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!

Alice

At least it's not shock therapy.

You know, I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mother showed me your picture I was, like--

Dana

Was it a Subaru ad by any chance?

Oh, you did a Subaru ad?

Dana

Yeah. The slogan was "Get out and stay out."

Oh, is that like an outdoorsy kind of...

Dana

Gay thing? Yeah, look, um... That's me, okay? I'm... I'm a lesbian! [Andrew looks at her weirdly with lust] Don't look at me like that, okay? I don't wanna have sex with you and another woman, okay? I'd just... I would want to have sex with a woman, alright. I'm that gay.

Alice

What am I gonna do if I'm fucking pregnant?

Dana

Get an abortion, Al.

Shane

You could give the baby to Bette and Tina. [Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane] Well, we're already like a family, it'd be like the kid belongs to all of us.

Alice

So, instead of "Heather Has Two Mommies," Heather has six mommies.

Alice

There's not that, you know, bullshit of like... you know, I do you, you do me, and, you know... we check in, have we had equal time? And all that crap.

Dana

You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

Shane

Hey, look, now that you're out big time, let's give you a mullet.

Dana

What? No.

Shane

Yes, c'mon, hockey hair, it'll be hot.

Dana

No!

Alice

I don't think she's ready to be a bull dyke, Shane.

Dana

[to Alice] Thank you.

Shane

Mkay.

Dana

[about her arrest] Oh, god, I'm gonna die if my parents find out about this!

Alice

Well, look at the upside: now, being a dyke won't be a big deal.

Alice

Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.

Shane

I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.

Alice

Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane

Huh. [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

[to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana

You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane

Her hair.

Dana

Ah.

Dana

Don't laugh, OK?

Alice

[pause] Fuck... Who's laughing?

Alice

Where's Carmen?

Shane

Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.

Alice

Why?

Shane

Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.

Alice

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.

Dana

Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.

Dana

But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

[signing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.

Alice

Why thank you, Doctor Love.

I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.

Dana

Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.

Alice

Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

[Dana is hallucinating after having taken LSD with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?

Dana Fairbanks!

Dana

I am not!

Bette

What?

Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!