Alice Pieszecki quotes from The L Word

Alice

[leaving a message for Shane] Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet and your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross! Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye!

Alice

[to Dana, who is moping in bed] Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C'mon.

Alice

This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Alice

I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fucking blind?

Alice

[whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.

Alice

I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to the chart on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight we are talking about the connection between love and the senses. [short pause] Your lover kisses you, and you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders, move your legs, move your arms... she's the one for you, she's the... girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because... the smell of her makes your head swim, because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. I mean she touches you here [puts hand on lower neck] and you feel it... here. [touches inner thigh] You touch her... anywhere, and you feel it... everywhere. And then... boom. It's six months later and she's... touching someone else. And you might say "Hey... all relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of... heartache and betrayal." For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous... former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but... We could also talk about Gabbi. Otherwise known as lesbian ex of point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including... Lara. Yes that same Lara, we love her... Lara the larcenist... Lara the liberator. Lara the, the new true love of... of Dana. [takes out and opens a bottle of pills] ...and, yeah, I mean Dana who told me she needed... she needed closure, closure with Lara. [pause] Well, it's six months later... and I'm still waiting for it to close.

Alice

[on her relationship with Angelica] I'm her Earth-mother. I guess I'd be her godmother, except I don't believe in God.

Alice

[to Bette about Phyllis] You know she's not my normal type. Not that I have a type.

Alice

Right, right. Oh, wait, he's talking to me! So weird. Huh?... What?... OK, I'll tell her. He said don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!

Alice

[to Dana's "ghost"] You really curse a lot more now!

Alice

[on national TV] Listen! Gay people are being bashed, harassed, and killed every day, and then you've got this guy who's gay himself, and he's saying this garbage? It's disgusting! I totally respect someone's choice to stay in the closet, I do. If that's what they want to do, I get it. But I don't think it's OK to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next! Especially if you're a public figure and you have people looking up to you. No, I don't feel bad. I do not feel bad about what I did.

Dana

When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice

Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana

[to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Shane

It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana

What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane

Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice

Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana

Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette

Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Dana

I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina

It has to do with her attitude.

Dana

I've got attitude!

Marina

It's because she's so withholding.

Tina

No, it's because she's so confident.

Dana

No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice

[firmly] Dana, she's your friend.

Tina

It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana

What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina

She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice

Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina

Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice

I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Alice

[seeing Tim] Do you guys think he knows?

Bette

Knows what?

Alice

[about Jenny] That his girlfriend is making the team with Marina.