Shane McCutcheon quotes from The L Word

Shane

I had this insane idea that you and I could be together. Because it felt real.

It was a delusion.

Shane

Then I'm delusional. Because, I swear you felt the same way about me.

Alice

Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.

Shane

I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.

Alice

Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane

Huh. [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

[to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana

You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane

Her hair.

Dana

Ah.

Shane

Oh, shit.

Alice

Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset.

Shane

What? What?

Alice

Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...

Alice

Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

Guys! You guys!

This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Jenny

Is that Carmen spinning?

Shane

Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.

Jenny

Aren't you going to go say hi?

Shane

[with a forced grin] I did. [at Jenny's look] What?

Jenny

I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.

Alice

[as she approaches Shane across the dance floor] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really not s'posed to tell you.

Shane

Fight the urge.

Alice

But I... But I can't!

Shane

Try.

Alice

But it's hard!

Shane

I know, but try!

Shane

[laughs] I like a girl with ambition.

Carmen

[also laughs] Fuck you!

Shane

Okay, if you want.

Carmen

Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces.

Shane

Sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty. Could you be more specific?

Carmen

It means: I want to lick you until you come in my mouth a thousand times.

Shane

Whoa.

Who does your hair?

Shane

I do it myself.

Well, some job you do to it. It's all tangled, stringy. When was the last time you washed it?

Here, I'll just pat it down. If you want me to make it a little more straight I'll...

Shane

[interrupting] NO! Do not... make it straight.

Carmen

[about flirting with guys in her DJ-booth] Are you jealous?

Shane

NO! I'm not fucking jealous... it just made me sad.

Carmen

Oh! You were so fucking sad that you go off and fuck Cherie Jaffe... SHANE! What kind of psychotic response is that?

Alice

Where's Carmen?

Shane

Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.

Alice

Why?

Shane

Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.

Alice

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.

Dana

Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.

Dana

But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

Carmen

It's like one minute you're my girlfriend, you're on my side, you love me and the next minute...

Shane

I don't wanna lose your family! Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and blamed me for this, which I'm so sure they already have.

Carmen

What do you know about family?

Shane

Helena hates me, doesn't she?

Alice

No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?

Shane

Really?

Alice

Yeah.

Shane

Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?

Alice

You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?

Shane

What?

Shane

[sitting on counter] Hey you want one?

Oh no I'm good thanks.

Shane

Hey listen they're not gay I promise.

Alice

Oh my God! What if they were gay? What if the brownies were gay?

Shane

[laughing] They're all fucking each other.

Alice

[in brownie voice] You're hot.

Alice

Fuck you, Denbo! AND your dumb lover. You're a ratfuck!

Shane

BYE CINDI!

Alice

Are you gonna dance in your black bra?

Shane

You know, I was thinking about it, but I just don't need one. Thank god.