TV show quotes
Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh? Does he teach it?
No, of course he doesn’t teach it, you fucking idiot. The Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.
Um, no, he isn’t. It’s his dad.
King Phillip?
No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you’re thinking of, but he’s not the king.
He fucks the Queen, though.
Oh.
Probably up the arse.
LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?
You’ve gotta be fucking joking. There’s no way I’m gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain.
Yeah, fuck it, I’m in.
Because you’re a paedo.
Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don’t, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.
He is right.
Well, then, he’s an OAPaedo.
Brilliant.
You’re desperate for a gum job.
Am I?
“Oh, hello, I’m Will. Pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this.”
(voiceover) Sometimes, you just have to dance with the devil. Or do voluntary work with a sex pest.
(voiceover) So while Simon was struggling to keep his mixed grill down, in his place I had Jay helping me out at the home. Lucky me.
(Noticing Will asleep in the common room) Here he is - Sleeping Ugly.
He’s asleep, I reckon.
That’s cos he was up all night shagging.
Yeah.
I bet he creep into her room at night, kisses them on the forehead and then slides right into their powdery, old fanny.
(to Simon) Good, cos I need you to do something for me.
Okay, what is it?
Have a look at my cock.
(nervously) Um…
Not in a gay way. It’s just that something’s gone wrong.
I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay.
Please, I’m serious. All my pubes have fallen out.
What?
I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream cos it was all sticky…
You spunked in the common room?
Yes, but listen! And I went home to clean up and all my pubes came off in the shower.
Sorry, you spunked your pants in the common room during the day, when there were people around?
(matter of factly) Yes.
And then your pubes fell out?
(exasperated) Yes!
I think this is way out of my league.
Just take a look at it. Normally, it wouldn’t matter, but I’ve got that date with Daisy in about 2 hours. What if she wants more than a snog?
Even a snog’s unlikely - no offence - but go on.
Well, if the miracle does happen and if she touches or, worse, sees the bald old fella, what’s she going to think?
That you’re a porn star?
Look at me. I don’t think she’s gonna think I’m a porn star, Simon.
Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.
(sarcastic) Oh, okay, good idea. And after that, maybe I’ll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!
Or what about wearing a wig down there?
(exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh, good idea(!) A cock wig!
Alright, Dad?
Alright there.
Dad, can I ask your advice about something?
What is it, Woman trouble?
Yeah, it is.
That little piece you were with the other day?
Chloe? Yeah. See, there’s this guy at school, right?
So she’s dumped you for this bloke? Well, that’s a lucky escape, I thought she was a facking pig.
No, she hasn’t dumped me, Dad. I think I love her.
So you’re back with the pig?
Dad, we didn’t split up, and please don’t call her a pig. It’s just that I’m just getting a bit jealous cos I think she might have seen a few more people than I have.
I’d say that’s a given, innit?! If she’s got off with more than one person, she’s beaten you hands down.
Look, mate. Women are like fairground rides. Fucking mental. Your only hope is that when she wants some, you do the best you can with your tiny equipment. Oh, and check where she is the whole time, that’s the only way you’ll be totally sure she’s not sucking off this other bloke.
Right. Thanks, Dad.
Although, let’s face it, she probably is. Fancy a beer?
Yeah. Shouldn’t you be revising as well?
Nah, I’m not allowed. Teachers say cos I’ve got a photographic memory, it wouldn’t be fair on the other kids.
Have you had a wank over Will’s mum?
No…not yet.
Please don’t have a wank over my mum!
I can’t promise that, I’m afraid.
(whispering) What is it now, McKenzie?
Will (also whispering) Sir, I need to go to the toilet.
Again?
Yes.
Well, you can’t.
(surprised) Sorry?
(whispering) That’ll be the 4th time in an hour. You’ll have to wait.
I’m pretty sure you can’t do that, sir.
If I have reason to believe you’re cheating, I can. And I do, so I have. Now get on with your paper. (He walks off in the direction of his desk.)
Oh, God, no. (Loudly, very high-pitched, despairingly after Mr. Gilbert) Phil!
(again) Phil!
Oh, no. (To Mr. Gilbert) Phil?
Oh, Jesus. (He walks over to Will. We hear other students groaning after realizing what’s happened.)
I thought it was a fart, sir. (Very high-pitched) I thought it was safe!
(voiceover, whilst this is happening) In a term of low-points, this was it. Literally, the bottom. And yet as I waddled to the toilet, I felt strangely optimistic. Things couldn’t get any worse. Painful as it may seem, in a way, I was free. Free to reinvent myself as whatever I wanted. Right after I changed my underpants.
(voiceover) My name is Will McKenzie and my first year in state education has been an unqualified success. And by unqualified, I mean I failed all my exams. That said, I have made three friends. Yep, three whole friends in one year. And they’re the sort of friends everyone should have - ones that are so tragic, they almost make someone like me… (Will: Feisty one, you are!) …look normal. But things were going to be different this year. For one, Jay could now drive, meaning we had a choice of which shit, embarrassing car we got a lift to school in. Simon’s was more yellow, but Jay’s was more dangerous.
Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?
Yes.
Isn’t that the ear you get pierced to say you’re gay?
Well, there’s a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear’s your Dad got pierced?
Neither, cos he’s not bent!
Of course not. Will, which ear’s the gay one?
Oh, I’m the last person to ask.
I thought you knew everything?
Well, I don’t know any boys who’ve had their ears pierced… because I went to a private school.
Riding around in Jay’s car made me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.
I’m still exercising my right to protest (about the fashion show)
Good. Just make sure it’s not a dirty protest, like the last one.
Is that David Beckham?
(who had been practicing catwalking in the conservatory) You spying on me?! Is that it?! Is that how you get your kicks?!
You look good.
Fuck off! I’m going out.
Your not going out now you’ve got school tomorrow.
Yeah, run away at the weekend when you’ve got your car back.
Well, I’m not spending another minute in this house with you UTTER TWATS!!!
Where you going, Paris or Milan?
FUCK OFF!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Inbetweeners pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
