CCharlotte
(to Will) You’re a nasty little virgin. (throws drink in his face)
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh, she’d definitely get it. Right up the bum hole.
Lucky girl.
(about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I’d tried the “Sleeping Beauty.”
Oh, it’s good, that.
What, you know it?
Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead - ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.
How do you know these things?
Oh, everyone knows the “Sleeping Beauty.” That’s old.
Is it?
Yeah, my mate’s brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.
They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there’s nothing gay about that(!)
Yeah, well, he’s in the Air Force now, so how gay is that?
Still quite gay.
(about finding dates for Will’s birthday party) Maybe I’ll see what Carli’s up to.
Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she’s up to.
Oh, I’m sorry, Russell Brand(!) Who are you bringing again?
Don’t worry about me, mate. I’m up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I’ll bring my new fuck buddy along - that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
You pulled a barmaid? Nice.
Has she got any special dietary requirements? It’s just I’ve never cooked for an imaginary woman before.
Well, I know she’s not allergic to nuts. MY nuts.
Brilliant.
Or my cock.
She only eats small portions, then.
Well, I didn’t hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full at the time.
Yep. Good one(!)
(voiceover) So whilst I was making my final dinner preparations, including putting on shit music girls would like, Patrice had been busy too.
PPatrice
Uh, I just had a really nice, er…tug, thinking about your mother, (Will looks up, stunned) and I think some went on the floor. Sorry.
Great. Thanks, Patrice.
Have you really booked a stripper?
Yeah! She was only 150 quid!
How did you manage to pay for that?
We haven’t paid yet. We’ll just have a whip-round when she gets here.
A whip-round? We don’t have £30 each!
Nah, it’s…oh…
Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.
Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin…
Cock of what?!
You don’t help yourself, do you?
Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn’t it, Patrice?
PPatrice
Quoi?
Well, it does, and it doesn’t mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or…
…you got some cock in the back of a van…
Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! Okay, so there aren’t any girls here, but why don’t we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it’s a tall order, and I’m not expecting sparkling, but let’s give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?
Oh, for Christ’s sake!
No not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?
You are grim mate.
Why were sticking Lego up your bum?
Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What’ll happen next year?
You get AIDS?
I’d have to have sex for that to happen.
Or fuck a monkey?
Technically, that still counts as sex.
Or drink from the same cup as Neil’s dad.
Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!
Oh mate, your dad is so AIDS, he’s the one who gave it to the monkeys!
You take that back!
That’s what the monkeys said to him.
(voiceover) In case you’re interested, at my old school the day began with prayers, followed by hymns and then an inspirational reading. Here it began with Jay showing me a pornographic video.
Why are you wearing trainers, Si?
Because they look good.
I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs.
Everyone wears trainers.
Jay hasn’t got trainers on. I haven’t got trainers on.
You’ve got fucking flippers on. What size are they?
Size eight, my size.
Oh, yeah, Ronald McDonald called. He wants his shoes back.
There’s nothing wrong with these, they’re Italian.
(in Italian accent) Hey! Where are my-a flippers?
At least you’ll be all right if you fall in the Thames.
Yeah, very funny! Would it have killed you to wear shoes to be safe?
Whoa, check out Neil’s car.
Yeah! It’s shit-hot!
I’d say half-right. It’s shit.
Slow down a minute, Si.
(Leaning out the window) BUS WANKERS! (The boys all laugh as Jay gets back in and puts his seatbelt back on.)
Where did that come from? Bus wankers!
I dunno, it just felt right!
You could see their little faces drop as they thought, “We must be the bus wankers.”
(Leaning over Will to get to Simon) Pull over, Si. I need a piss.
AMAngry Man From Bus Stop
I’d rather be a bus wanker than drive that piece of yellow shit!
(Neil is in the toilet nursing his penis after cutting it earlier) What’s taking so fucking long?
Oh, mate, it’s not good. Get us some bog roll. It’s bleeding. Look!
Oh, Jesus, put it away, Neil!
I can’t. It stings when it rubs on my pants.
Well, take your pants off, then
Then it’ll rub on my jeans.
Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can’t walk around London with your knob hanging out.
(being chucked out of the club for wanking in the toilets, but in reality nursing his cut penis) No, wait! No! I wasn’t wanking!
Oh, great(!)
My cock’s cut. My cock is cut!
(voiceover) I was no strange to Mr. Gilbert’s office. I often popped by with a complaint or a suggestion on how I think the school could be better run. But today was different. He’d actually invited me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Inbetweeners pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.