(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished.
What’s in all the bags, then?
Just something to soak up the alcohol.
Crisps?
Where’s the beer?
Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?
You twat.
(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck’s this?
Drambuie.
What’s Drambuie?
It’s sort of whisky-based liqueur.
What’s a liqueur?
It’s what benders drink.
Well, why have we got that, then?
(teasing) Because we’re heading back to yours and it’s your dad’s favourite drink.
Well, my dad’s not bent.
He is a bit, though.
He’s fucking not.
Right, let’s look at the evidence. One, your mum left him because he loves cock.
(to Will) That’s not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.
(teasing) In bed with a bender.
(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.
Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.
And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that’s to play badminton!
(annoyed) Right! My dad’s not bent, because he’s got hundreds of porn mags at home and it’s all straight.
All straight?
Some lesbian.
Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.
Well fine, come on, then.
(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it’s 90% cock.
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