WillOh, no…
(surprised) Is that your mum?!
Will
I told her not to come and pick me up.
Will
(hesitates) Thanks very much(!)
No, I would, though. Wouldn’t you?
Will
Hm! Well, if she’s my mum…no?
Will
She is, though, so…
But what he’s saying is, if she wasn’t your mum, would you fuck her?
Will
(sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?
Will
No!
Look, I just wanna know, if you get down between her knees, spread them…
Will
(cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother’s VAGINA?!
SShopkeeper
(to Will) Can I help at all?
Will
(with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper) Yes, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area and I’m having a house-warming party to which I’ll be inviting a lot of the local adults. (counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly) to…Hence the crisps.
Will
And I’ll also probably need some… (swallows nervously) …alcohol as well. As well as the crisps, et cetera.
SShopkeeper
Right. What sort of thing are you looking for?
Will
Some… (eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf) …Beefeater Gin?
SShopkeeper
OK. So, how about two bottles?
Will
(posh) Excellent.
SShopkeeper
Want some wine?
Will
Christ, no. We’re not made of money! And I’ll have some extra-strong mints.
Will
For those who are drink-driving.
SShopkeeper
Right. That comes to £29.50. Anything else?
Will
What’s on special?
SShopkeeper
(suddenly fierce) I’ll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you pay and are out of the shop in 5 seconds.
Will
Done. My good man. I shall invite you to the party.
Will
(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished.
What’s in all the bags, then?
Will
Just something to soak up the alcohol.
Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?
(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck’s this?
Will
Drambuie.
Will
It’s sort of whisky-based liqueur.
Well, why have we got that, then?
(teasing) Because we’re heading back to yours and it’s your dad’s favourite drink.
Right, let’s look at the evidence. One, your mum left him because he loves cock.
(to Will) That’s not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.
Will
(teasing) In bed with a bender.
(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.
Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.
And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that’s to play badminton!
(annoyed) Right! My dad’s not bent, because he’s got hundreds of porn mags at home and it’s all straight.
Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.
Well fine, come on, then.
Will
(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it’s 90% cock.
Will
Oh piss off!
SMr Sutherland
What? Don’t talk to me like that in my own house!
Will
Oh sorry, my manners(!) Piss off, PLEASE!!!
SMr Sutherland
I’ve had enough of your lip!
Will
Oh you’d like my lip wouldn’t you? Right round your bell end! If Mr Chippy doesn’t get there first! What’s he gonna knock up? A closet for you to hide in? You bumder!
CMr Cooper
Well, you’ve had quite a day off. You’ve lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil’s dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carli’s! Am I missing anything?
Will
We also hit a spastic (simmo) with a Erisbee.
RARide Attendant
Room for one more at the front.
Will
Sorry?
RARide Attendant
One more. At the front.
Will
How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?
RARide Attendant
Well there’s three people on the front, so there’s a spare seat there-
Will
Let’s just rewind a bit, shall we? Why are there now three people at the front?
RARide Attendant
Sir, if you could just get on-
Will
(getting more and more angry) They’ve pushed in! We’ve been queueing for over an hour specifically for the front, and they’ve pushed in?
Will
Get them off! Get them off and make them move! Fucking pushing in!
(Aware of the scene now being created) Will, it doesn’t matter. We’ll sit at the back.
RARide Attendant
Sir, if you could just-
Will
Are they so dumb they think it’s okay to push in? Make them move!
Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.
RARide Attendant
Sir, it’s the last ride of the day, please get on.
Will, honestly, it doesn’t matter, just get on.
Will
Fine, fucking fine! I’ll just…I’ll just get on. I’ll just get on, and sit at the front (he sits at the front and straps himself in) next to these inconsiderate arseholes.
Will
I’m the worst human being in the world.
Will
(voiceover) When I look back on my life, I’m pretty sure that ride will be a low point. But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn’t find out who I’d insulted…
They were on the front? Oh no, Will, no…
Will
Don’t!
(trying not to laugh) “Arseholes”
(killing himself laughing) This is the best.
Will
Please don’t.
Fucking hell, he’s leaving.
No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it.
Or Donovan killed them both silently.
She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.
She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her.
Because you’re freaking her out.
I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over?
No, I don’t need to pull. I’ve got a sure thing lined up.
No. I’ve centered that charity blind date thing at school.
Well, that’s where you’re wrong. Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date. So I don’t need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.
What if she’s feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?
She’s fit and she’s the year above. She’ll never go for you.
Look, Will… Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Anything could happen tonight. I’m going over.
CFCharlotte’s Friend
Go away.
Will
(voiceover) With Simon’s humiliation, the party was over, and some of us had done better than others.
Will
It was true. Simon was right, he did still have his old friends. (Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) And he was welcome to them.
(imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!
(also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!
Fuck the book with us, Simon!
The Inbetweeners · 149 quotes
