TV show quotes
Idiots.
AW NUTS. How did I fall for that!?
Please have a seat, Your Honor.
I already told you: I am NOT interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.
Okay. Here he is.
Ma'am.
You MADE me an OLYPHANT? [celebrates.]
I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.
[saunters up to Timothy Olyphant.] Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.
So, these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job.
To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay.
NO.
Okay, fine, bi.
Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be...people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship...
I think we just start with the gimmes. The very best people who ever lived, so...Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff...a genie so we can wish for infinity people.
Jason-
Sure, throw me in there, too, ALSO Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive! [sighs] Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone!
Now, when I press this lever, Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed that will test her ethical decision-making. Obviously, in the real test, the humans won't know they're being tested, but this should be a good practice run. Everyone ready?
Hors d'oeuvre?
Why, yes. Thank you.
CHAINSAW BEAR!
Okay, so, couple of things...we're not using chainsaw bears anymore, remember?
Right...okay, yeah. What else?
It was mainly that one thing. Why don't you try again? And remember: th-the challenges your test subject faces should smaller and-and more relatable.
Okay...
Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.
Is it farm-raised salmon? Because I prefer to support sustainable fishing.
Mondays, am I right? CHAINSAW!!
You said smaller and more relatable! The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays and love bacon! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Hey. Um...I'm sorry I said that before, man.
No...you were right. Janet and I ARE different. Maybe it can't last. Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.
How do you know that?
I read SOME books, man, jeez!
[sighs] All right, listen...maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.
Do you really believe that?
Of course I do.
SUCKER!
...Sorry?
I got you SO BAD! Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor!
...Against all odds, I know what you mean and I-I got to give it up. That was...that was good.
Yeah, it was! Chess...MATE.
That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.
Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over.
No...it's YOU guys.
...ffffor real?
The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!
I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.
Are you coming, too?
Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we?
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!
We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places!
I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.
Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet?
Well, I've never been to the Good Place before, but yes, I'm sure.
How?
Because it feels like I'm on my way home.
Flying puppy!
You're almost there! Just a little further!
Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood? These guys are GOOD.
Weird...
Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.
But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!
It was a classic moment, don't judge me!
I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-
A mish-mash of all four of us.
[sighs] It's PERFECT.
I’m so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place.
Great. Let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.
Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.
Just sign this scroll.
I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? Aah..."Doctor blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh wait, no..."Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron."
That way, I can put a little heart over the "I".
Perfect, and here is your official medal.
Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like!
And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place.
...I'm sorry, "in charge"?
Yep, you're the boss now, that was all legally binding and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now, don't try to find us, no take-backs, okay, bye-byeeeeee!
Hurry up, move, move, go, go!
Um, hi, are you, uh…are you-are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?
Yup, how's it hangin'?
[barely able to contain himself] IT'S HANGING REALLY WELL! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be...still, you know...Ancient Greek.
Oh! Well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently, um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, "Gangnam Style"...I feel like I get it.
It's really her. I-I can just tell, somehow, it's HYPATIA OF ALEXANDRIAAAAAA
I KNOW, BABE, yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?
Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh? Or in the Ancient Greek, "who-PUH-tee-uh?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.
You know what, just call me Patty.
Okay, WELL...PATTY. I'm a HUGE fan. I had a poster of you on my wall in high school, actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from "The Matrix," but that's how I imagined you would look because YOU'RE SO COOL!
Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?
She's ONE of 'em!
Wanna get a milkshake? I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense. Let's get a milkshake. Yeah. They make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust. It's pretty good.
Okay! YEAH! Getting milkshakes with Patty!
Yeah!
Um...but can I ask you a couple of questions first? Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality-
Wait, wait, wait, wait...are you...what's it called, umm...a think-book-man? No, umm...a think-READ-book-man.
A philosopher, yes!
Sorry! It's been SO long, my brain is foggy. Listen carefully before I forget how to say this: you gotta help us, we are SO SCREWED.
............we are?
Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.
I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.
So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.
You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.
What will happen when we go through it?
Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.
You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?
Seems like they're into it!
This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started re-watching "The Leftovers". Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity. Michael? Update?
Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in: Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas...
YES!!
Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller.
She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.
Ohhhh.
"Where's the beef?" lady got in, SO...that's fun. Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.
Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting. But pre-acting? Well...that's just being.
Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis. Shawn, what you got?
Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.
There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good and it's working. Come on, admit it.
I will never...ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever ever, ever...ever...EVER admit that.
I know, buddy. I know.
Hey there, Doug.
Hi.
Having fun?
I've had so much chicken!
It's probably good you chose your young body.
Yeah.
How are you doing?
I'm okay, Michael. How are you?
Well, I'm sad, and I know you're the most advanced being in the universe, but I feel like I need to tell you: it's okay if you're sad, too.
I know. And I am a little, but also, I know this is the right time for him to leave. I really am okay, I promise.
Will you come talk to me if you're not?
Always.
You can sit on that bench as long as you want. Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.
I love you, Janet.
I love you, too, Jason.
I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.
Mm.
I made you something. [fidgets through his pocket] AW DIP, I lost it!
It's okay!
No, it's not! I made you this cool thing so you remember me even when you're married to Aquaman, and I...lost it somewhere in this forest. Some magical squirrel probably ate it.
Jason, it's okay. I'm never gonna forget you. In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone. I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once.
I know what you mean. Once, I smoked salvia, and saw the past and the future at the same time...
Mm.
Then I tried to brush my teeth with my cat.
To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.
Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?
There was no bad stuff. It was all good.
I mean, they've gone through the system, so they'll be a little different, right?
One would hope. [groans] I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad. I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta.
I'm right here. We will get through this together.
Here we go. [clears throat] Mother. Father. Welcome to-
MY DARLINGS! My darlings, oh!
Oh, my little girls.
We love you both SO much.
SO very much, we have a million things to talk to you about, but first, we are sorry. We'll just be endlessly sorry forever and ever.
[whispers] ...Holy crap.
[whispers] I know, right?
I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
[sighs] ...Picture a wave...in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore...and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a a different way for the water to be...for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean...where it came from...and where it's supposed to be.
Not bad, Buddhists.
Not bad.
None of this is bad.
I need you to do me one last favor.
Mm-hmm?
Say good-bye to me now...and leave before I wake up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
