Nicholas Bell quotes from The Games

John Clarke

Would you like to sit down?

Nicholas Bell

No, I won’t, thank you. [Sits down]

John Clarke

We were just discussing who might attend the dinner with the delegate.

Nicholas Bell

He’s dead.

John Clarke

I beg your pardon?

Nicholas Bell

He was found dead in his hotel room at four o’clock this morning.

John Clarke

How dead?

Nicholas Bell

Well, completely dead.

Nicholas Bell

Look, they're coming from somewhere up in the sticks, they just want to present their proposal for the opening ceremony, alright?

Bryan Dawe

Nicholas, you've just finished telling me that the contract for the opening ceremony has been awarded to a German company.

Nicholas Bell

Yes, Einfahrt. [To camera] Nobody knows that yet, alright?

Bryan Dawe

Well, it's academic, isn't it? You've already awarded the contract!

Nicholas Bell

No, you will have to see them.

Bryan Dawe

But there's no possible reason for seeing them Nicholas, you've awarded the contract!

Nicholas Bell

That's precisely why you have to see them!

Bryan Dawe

Why, because you've awarded the contract to the Germans?

Nicholas Bell

Yes!

Bryan Dawe

I don't believe it.

Nicholas Bell

Well, things have got to be done fairly and kept above board. [Patronisingly] There's the chap.

Nicholas Bell

All I’m saying is that a problem that up until 30 seconds ago was the Minister’s problem is now your problem. [Walks off]

John Clarke

[Shouting after him] And the minister will be confronting this issue, will he, by his usual method of being photographed in a hard-hat pointing at a concrete mixer?

Nicholas Bell

Do you know who it was who made that call?

John Clarke

Yes, I do. Yes. And he did it on my specific instructions.

Nicholas Bell

It was a woman.

John Clarke

Ah well, that is serious. Oh yes, I can see the concern there. That’s actually dangerous. I’m surprised that’s allowed. A woman?

Nicholas Bell

Thank you. John, can I ask what work has been done up to this stage by your people on this question? You see, what I am thinking is there maybe a detailed study already undertaken on the Los Angeles public transport system and how it worked for them at the ’84 Games. That sort of thing would give us a lot of information. Is that available at all?

John Clarke

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

No.

Nicholas Bell

It hasn’t been done at all?

John Clarke

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

No.

Nicholas Bell

Is there a reason for that?

John Clarke

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

They don’t have a public transport system in Los Angeles.

Nicholas Bell

Have they got witchetydoodles?

John Clarke

Didgeridoos?

Nicholas Bell

Long thing. You blow through it.

John Clarke

Didgeridoos, Nicholas.

Nicholas Bell

Bloody marvellous. There you are, then.

Nicholas Bell

And here’s that brief for the press conference for the launch of Australia’s Games tomorrow. You’ve got a rehearsal first thing in the morning.

John Clarke

Rehearsal?

Nicholas Bell

The Channel Seven commentary team are going to be there dressed up as Shagger, Australia’s Gumnut Kangaroo.

John Clarke

All of them?

Nicholas Bell

I think so.

John Clarke

Wilko?

Nicholas Bell

Wilko’s its arse, I think.

John Clarke

Well, I can't go and answer a whole lot of questions about a subject I know nothing about.

Nicholas Bell

You know, it's actually easier. It's easier to answer questions on something that you don't know anything about.

John Clarke

I wouldn't even know how to begin to talk about art.

Nicholas Bell

Well, you'll be alright then.

Nicholas Bell

You've never been before an inquiry, have you, John?

John Clarke

No, Nicholas, and I've never been cleaning anything when it went off either.

Nicholas Bell

Well, I can't go. I've already fronted the ticketing inquiry.

John Clarke

And didn't you go well, Nicholas. I'm surprised they don't want you back. You couldn't remember either end of any conversation you ever had and you didn't turn out to have kept any notes about anything.

Nicholas Bell

Thank you, John. Yes, well, there's a way of doing these things, alright?

John Clarke

You got a round of applause at one stage for remembering your own name.

Nicholas Bell

Thank you John. I will tell the Minister that you will be in touch when you've spoken to the barrister.

John Clarke

It was like watching a zeppelin fall out of the sky.

Nicholas Bell

Did you actually see John in the courtesy car?

No.

Nicholas Bell

Good.

Why do you say that?

Nicholas Bell

Because I sold it this morning.

Nicholas Bell

We've had a review of all aspects of the office setup.

John Clarke

Could you perhaps be a tiny bit more specific?

Nicholas Bell

You do try to make this as difficult as possible, don't you?

John Clarke

No, I'm not trying to make it difficult Nicholas. And personally I think you're doing fairly well so far. But would you mind please defining "we", "review", "aspects", "office" and "setup".

Bryan Dawe

These are the latest figures on the sponsorship shortfall.

Nicholas Bell

Situation.

Bryan Dawe

Sponsorship shortfall situation.

Nicholas Bell

Sponsorship situation.

Bryan Dawe

Sponsorship situation.

Nicholas Bell

Thanks for coming over, John.

John Clarke

I think if you've ordered someone to do something you should probably resist the urge to thank them.

Gina Riley

Nicholas, what happened to the $12 million you were given to beef up the Customs service?

Nicholas Bell

It's been spent.

Gina Riley

On the Customs service?

Nicholas Bell

Presumably.