A character in The Games
Played by John Clarke
The Games · 166 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Games: in 128 of its 166 quotes
Most scenes with: Gina Riley (36), Bryan Dawe (24), Nicholas Bell (11)
John ClarkeAre you serious? No-one is going to see the final of the 1500 metres? It's one of the most popular events we've got going! I mean, the only people not watching it, Gina, will be people who like watching synchonised drowning on channel six million and eight!
John ClarkeThat is the only place ON THE PLANET where it will be the middle of the night!
[Reading the paper with increasing anger]:
John ClarkeThat's not right. That's wrong. That's not that guy's position. He is not head of the Athletics Federation. Sorry, he isn't. That is completely wrong. Check your facts! He's not Portuguese, he's Polish ... and you, sir, are a bloody idiot.
John ClarkeThe Formula One Grand Prix is currently less interesting than the video game that's based on it. The cars go around in a circle, they get Murray Walker off the ceiling, the game itself is a procession. You can't get past - the car in front at the beginning wins the race. The whole thing is decided by who's going to have a pit-stop. They're the fastest cars on Earth and the key element here, Bryan, is not racing. It's parking!
John ClarkeI don't understand then, Mr Wilson, why in the construction of a 100-metre track you would want to depart too radically from the constraints laid down for us by the conventional calibration of distance.
John Clarke[Answering the telephone] Hello? "Dead Builder Proprietary Limited"?
John ClarkeI'm a humble man, Mr Copperfield, but I refuse to be remembered as he who ran the 100 metres at the Sydney Olympics over 94 metres.
John ClarkeLet the minutes show that at this point Mr Clarke left the meeting of the Australian Rationalists' Society looking tense but dignified.
John ClarkeOh I'm sorry. Did you want the slice of pizza without the staples?
John ClarkeDavid, if you could tell a man from a woman, how did a woman win the Men's World Championship?
John ClarkeDavid, do you want the shooting to be a very big success at the Sydney Olympics, or are you completely insane? Richo says you can only pick one.
John ClarkeThere I was thinking you were a bloody idiot and it turns out you're very smart.
John ClarkePlan B, Bryan, is basically Plan A with an element of panic.
John Clarke[Attempting vainly to imitate Gina's voice] Open up! Open computer up!
John ClarkeI don’t think there’s a serious problem with Sydney water. I mean, I drink it. Unless you mean the incident the other night when somebody emptied the Olympic pool by mistake and killed a couple of hundred species of fish up in the Ryde area but that’s a once-er, that’s not going to happen again.
John ClarkeI don’t know that this is what we do, is it? Sequester the dead?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Games pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
