The Fast Show quotes

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...aren't mams brilliant? They give birth to you, you know, they 'have' you, an' that. And then they look after you, for as long as you want. You don't have to pay 'em or nowt, fantastic. In fact, they pay you, pocket money and that, you know? Brilliant. And they've got this special magic way of puttin' your socks on, where they turn 'em 'alf inside out. I love mams, they're brilliant, and they're all different, which is brilliant, 'cause if they all looked the same you wouldn't know which 'ouse to go to for your tea. That'd be terrible wouldn't it, you might not be ready at the time you normally have it. Dads are all right but mams are better, mams are softer, and they smell better, and they do the cooking. 'Ave you seen them new cookers called 'microwaves, where everything takes just one minute to cook, one minute, your dinner, your snack, your tea even. Just one minute, or your breakfast if you want. One minute breakfast, fantastic. Microwaves, brilliant, but you can't put metal in 'em, I don't know why.

I fell over, brilliant.

You’d think they’d never seen a cloud before, oh we did laugh- they’re even selling T-shirts of the cloud; we brought one each myself and Roy, oh I said to Roy I don’t know if they will wash well, what did I say Roy?

I don’t know if they will wash well.

Next thing this film crew arrived, so I went up to this foreign man and said hello, we’re from England in the United Kingdom, I said could we be in your film we’ve seen loads of clouds- what did I say Roy?

We’ve seen loads of clouds.

Well I said we are experts myself and Roy, the foreign man said could you go away, we’re trying to film, what did they say Roy?

Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth

Stop showing off… Roy!

Another day. I don't hold out much 'ope. Usual mixture of bad luck and despair, misery and frustration, piles.

Unlucky Alf?

That's right.

You've won the pools.

Blimey!

Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.

Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.

Now what?

Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?

I'm sorry, I've run out.

That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...

No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...

...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.

'Ere we go...

That's more like it.

Not many pleasures remainin' in life for an old gent, 'part from poppin' in t' park for an hour or so to feed the geese. [to geese] Come on, come on me little friends, g-oooh!

Ooh, bugger! I didn't realise that were goin' t' happen. Ooh! Not that I've got much use for it anymore, I suppose.

We took seventy millilitres of ordinary tap-water, and put it in this beaker. Then we took seventy millilitres of rainwater from the laboratory roof, and put it in this beaker... don't ask me why. We just did.

Cairo!... [emits a high pitch squeak; rambles] ...very unstable, politically, pandimonium!... [rambles; then mimes pushing through tall grass and gestures above him] ...a poisonous monkey... [rambles] ...very small chaps, but immensely strong... [rambles] ...hah! like that. It was a completely wasted journey... [rambles] ...Snake! Snake! Aah! Brrr! Gin!... [rambles; mimes holding something] ...lift the thing up, I didn't know what to do... [rambles] ...I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did... [rambles] ...I freely admit, that I was very, very drunk.

We took this skull... from another laboratory! Heh, heh. Didn't we, Dave? Huh, huh.

It happens to every young man, I'm sure... [quietly rambles] ...she was quite beautiful... ...she had a very long neck... ...very intelligent... ...really piercing eyes... ...of course, the war came along... ...really beautiful song: la la la, I can't remember anymore... ...I was in absolute floods of tears... ...it was very, very cold, and... ...and I held her in my arms... [stares silently at the camera] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.

Excuse me, can you help me I've just come from the park. Someone just came up and took off with my dog.

Right, yes, hold on there a minute madam. (Turns to second copper) George - there's a lady here says she's looking for eternal salvation in our lord.

Another convert serge?

I didn't say that. I said someone came up and took off with my dog.

Right scratch that George, she's changed her mind. A dog you say madam, right what's its name.

It's a she. She is called Jess, Jess.

(writes down) So that's J-E-S-U-S.

No. She's called Jess and you've just written Jesus.

So I have, still it's a lovely word isn't it. Jesus.

Jesus. He died for all our sins you know madam.

Oh right, sorry madam so you say you were in the park when you lost little Jessie.

Would that be the park by the church madam?

No, the one by the lake.

Yeah, but you can see the church of our lady from there though can't you madam?

Can you? In that case madam would you have been able to hear the faithful singing from there something like this 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah'. Would you have been able to overhear anything like that madam.

I suppose so.

Hmm. And if you had heard it how loudly would they have been singing? Would it have been something like (sings softly) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah. kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah' or would it have been more sort of (both sing enthusiastically) 'Oh lord, kum ba yah'.

Right, umm look, if they had been singing, from where I was it would have been about as loud as something like (sings softly) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah, kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah'.

Could be Ted!

Now madam, this person that took your dog. Can you give us a description of the man who took your dog.

He was quite tall and had sort of long straggly hair with a sort of beard.

That's right George, it does sound a little bit like Jesus.

Look, are you two going to do anything to help me.

Yes.

And don't say 'Yes we're going to pray'.

No it's alright. Now did this man... (George gasps) Oh my goodness, I've just been overwhelmed by the love of our lord.

Wonderful when that happens it's it.

Look I don't wish to appear cynical but someone has stolen my dog and I want to know if you're going to do anything about it.

Well actually madam something here apparently we arrested a man earlier today that matches the description you just gave us.

Well that's marvelous news.

And even better news we forgave him and let him go.

[rambling]... I remember the time when there was a fireworks display, in the village... [rambles] ...it was quite frightening, bang, crash, wishoo, fizz... [rambles] ...how they actually do that, anyway... [rambles] ...hah!... [rambles] ...one girl was very badly burned... [rambles] ...and I was called upon, in my capacity as... [rambles] ...and I cracked my head very sharply, off a piece of furniture... [rambles] ..."ah" like that... [rambles] ...I'm afraid... that I was very, very drunk.

Just bought me lottery ticket, though knowing my luck I probbly won't win 'owt. Bloody hell!

It's you!

Oh, sorry, I mean you.

YEEEEEEEEESSSS!

[laughs] ...I remember, it was just outside Edinburgh!... [laughs; rambles] ...I said to her, "Get a man in" [laughs] She bloody did!... [laughs] ...a makeshift crutch!... [laughs] ...the whole bloody leg was completely septic!... ...didn't wake up for three days, three bloody days!... [laughs] ...I'm laughing now! I'm afraid I was very drunk!

Vast ice floes... [rambles] ...there he was, staring at me, six foot eight if he was an inch... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made out of matchsticks... [rambles] ...I laugh now... [rambles] ...image of a four star Nazi General, licking a lollipop... [rambles] ...I was feeling a little liverish... [rambles] ...he punched me right on the nose... [rambles] ...I didn't feel a thing, I'm afraid, I was very drunk.