The Drew Carey Show quotes

I know what this is, Carey! This is part of your plan to get me fired, but it's not going to work!

Drew

I'm gonna get fired too!

I didn't say it was a good plan, you Yankee clipper!

Oswald

Well, maybe looks don't really matter when you love your pet. (turning to Lewis) Remember that dog you had? he was ugly!

Lewis

That wasn't a dog.

Oswald

Then what was I feeding?

Lewis

That was Chester, the DrugCo cat! By the way, he's a bear now.

I make good money but I can't touch a penny of it! I have a passion for the ponies.

Oswald

A passion for ponies?! That's disgusting!

I BET on them, you moron!

Lewis

What if one of us has surprisingly red hair?

My captain still wears his cap to dinner.

Lewis

I can't do the Baby Elephant Walk. It just wouldn't be right.

Larry

I hear you're down a man, Carey.

Drew

Larry, what are you doing here?

Drew

Why should we let you join?

Larry

Wanna see what I bring to the party? (gestures to the bar) Step into my office... (They go behind the bar. Larry unzips his pants, and acts as if he's taking out something heavy. Drew stares at it dumbfoundedly for a second, then he rapidly downs a shot and looks at it again.)

Drew

You're in. (Larry nods and puts it back in his pants.) Geez, you think you'd be more popular.

How do you guys keep those packages up?

We've got Velcro.

Larry

You guys have Velcro?

Mimi

I'm ready for you. (She takes out a magnifying glass.)

Drew

You know, Mimi, I might get excited and have to do a little lap dance... (He demonstrates. Mimi holds out a $50 bill.)

Mimi

Here's my fifty bucks. Keep your punching bag outta my face.

Drew

Come on, guys. I gotta leave in 15 minutes, I still haven't found anything nice to say about Mr. Louder.

Lewis

Oh, I got something. It says here he invented the word "sweatshop."

Drew

[incredulously] Really? Mr. Louder was a crusader for workers' rights.

Lewis

No, not exactly. He's quoted as saying, "I want to see my workers sweat so much in my shops, I can call them sweatshops, or maybe stink boxes. Oh hell, I don't care. I hate workers. Hey, where's my hat? I think I'm gonna be sick." Oh, he was a drinker, too.

Drew

Kate, you got anything about him?

Kate

Well, kind of. Did you know he invented the cubicle?

Drew

No way!

Kate

Yeah. Originally, it was a cage, but he experimented and found out you only need three walls and people are trapped in their minds.

Drew

Oh, my God, I can just walk out!

[on Drew's answering machine] Drew, this is Mrs. Louder. I just want you to know that Anderson got up there after you left, totally drunk, offending every ethnic group, age, and sex in the room, exposed himself, and still beat you handily.

Drew

First, I have to ask a base question. Mimi Bobeck, did you invent the automobile?

Mimi

Yes, I did.

Give her something more difficult, something impossible for her to say yes to. It'll set this thing off like a pinball machine.

Drew

Alright. Hey Mimi, how'd you like to get out the butter and massage oil and do a little slip 'n slide with me later on?

Mimi

Sounds great. [Once again, the polygraph doesn't move] I am a god! Yes, yes, yes!

This, Carey, is a replica of the mall. If you refuse to sell your house, we'll build the whole thing right around you, and your house will be surrounded by a Baskin-Robbins, a cineplex, and a Victoria's Secret... Who the hell built this model?! We might as well put a rocket up his bum and shoot him into Heaven!

Lewis

Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?

Oswald

Champagne flutes?

Lewis

You read my mind.